God is my teacher

Repetition is supposed to be a good thing.  All my life I have heard this.  In my math class alone, my big case for nightly homework is that the repetition of the problems will advance you.  You will become more skilled. You will be able to be faster at math solving.  There are countless other examples where repetition is needed to succeed or become better at something. 

And yet we still gripe.  Even after we have mastered the two step inequality with our eyes closed. Even when it comes with an ease and we get excited because we know how. And maybe gripe isn't the right word. But I have heard my students say countless times, "This again?! We have already learned this, what is the purpose?"

But they haven't learned it. It looks familiar.  It looks like the same thing.  Positive and negative integers. Done that.  Oh on a number line? No problem. In an inequality? Ms. Gray, please, this is boring. Wait, why is there an extra number? Which inverse operation do I do now? Why is this not a simple one-step inequality??? WHAT IS GOING ON????

And I teach them. I refresh their memory of what we have just learned. I tell them they are ready for the two step problems.  I walk them through it.  We go slow at first.  I step back and let them answer soon enough.  It isn't always the right answer at first.  I might even get frustrated. In my head sometimes I think, "It's right there. I laid it all out for you. It's so simple. Just do it, come on, you can. Find the numbers, see the process."  But I don't. I go over it again. Some get it quickly. They are able to work independently. Some still can't see. Some need different methods of getting the information down pat.  I give all of them repetitive practice for homework.

God is so much more patient with me.  He is so much more endearing.  He is so much more powerful.  I become comfortable. He nudges me. He reminds me of His goodness. He tells me that I am ready to handle more.  He is not done with me. He provides His holy Word to walk me through it. It is painstaking at first.  Almost like a foreign language.  I don't understand completely, but some phrases sound familiar.  He clears room to let me go with my choices.  I don't always choose wisely.  I hold onto bitterness. I show jealousy.  I show contempt.  He loves me and sometimes corrects me back.  Sometimes I get it quickly.  Sometimes, I will be forever surrendering.  Sometimes I try new things.  Sometimes those things are scary.  Sometimes they are humbling.  They are always rewarding. 

God, thank you for being an amazing teacher. Guide me in all that You do.

You Are Worth It

Crazy the the ups and downs we experience.  I look back over the last two weeks and I have been just ridiculous in my annoying smiling and laughter.  Some times are just good like that.  I mean, who wouldn't be on cloud nine after a first time perfect experience of a Valentine who God designed for you? Or a surprise proposal that ended in tender whispers in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant? How about a phenomenal trip with the love of your life? A week where the students seem to be on a good pace of learning and just plain enjoyment? A Friday night that includes crazy videos, hilarious skits, too much pizza, just enough ice cream, and an amazing chat about who God is and how He loves with your very much beloved middle school girls? A time to sit and talk with a missed friend, roomate, sister? Worship one on one with a Father that created me to have a relationship with not only Him, but His children?  This has been my high.  My up.  I am beyond blessed and so amazed at the hand of God.

God doesn't always promise the ups though.  In fact, as my principal pointed out in devotion this morning, He asks us to endure hardship.  There are fights to be fought.  Races to be run.  Strength to draw from, meaning there are times of weakness. 

So as I am sitting here drained on a rainy Monday afternoon, I am not so shocked by the lows, but in a sense of complete brokeness in the face of the only God who can restore.  Starting last night I have felt the burden just a little heavier.  Pain for my students, hurt for my friends, a heaviness for the ones who just don't know the love of Christ.  It is almost unbearable.  It is almost a sense of hopelessness.  The thoughts are relentless of all the injustice, all of the misconceptions, all of the misguidance.  The end seems so far and out of reach.  The desperate need for the saturation of the Holy Spirit is overwhelming. 

There is nothing else to do. Nothing but to fall on my face. Not as an act or show. Not as a ritual or timed maneuver.  But as a pure desperate act of faith and trust. It was what I was created for.  To fall at my Father's feet and surrender the fears and pain so that He can take over and be the strength in my weakness. So that His glory can be shown and given full credit.  Because He is worth it.
This song by rita Springer is AMAZING.  And so right.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVmR0jV52A

I'm ENGAGED!!!

Well, the title pretty much sums it up.  I'M ENGAGED!!! I don't think I could really put enough exlamation points behind that to justly explain how I feel. I am on cloud infinity. I am over the moon and then again.  Basically, I am trying to tell you that I am HAPPY.  You know that contagious sickness that you see people with and try to avoid? You know the type.  You can sense this sweet, sticky sunshine before you even turn around. Then as you slowly turn your head, there is a brilliance of light that is radiating from the person's aura.  It is blinding.  Whatever mouth situation they have going on, it doesn't matter because the joy that sings out of their skin diverts any scary dental nightmare.  Their eyes are like deep whirlpools of candylands, waterparks and any favorite summer delight you treasured and thought was lost as a kid.  It is mesmerizing.  The happiness that oozes from them is intriguing. You want to, but you don't. You want to, but something holds you back.  Maybe it is the sensible side of you that realizes if you entertain this person, their story -o- happiness will be on replay as you stuff your pillow over your face that night.  The air is lighter around them.  If you don't blink, you will see a recreation of Snow White's enchanted living complete with singing birds that do dishes.  They gush about their newfound love.  Whether it be person, job, house, child, etc. And then whatever they are happy about, they insist you find it too.  All the rest of us know to let this person calm down. 

PS- I am this person.  And I am not calming down.

There Will Be Days Like This...

The song that is running around in my mind right now is that old song that goes, "Momma said there would be days like this, there'd be days like this my momma said."  I have already cried, lost my temper, and thought of many different things I would rather be doing than being lashed out at by a student.  I don't like this feeling of losing control. It's been a little crazy today.  And somedays are like that. 
In this moment of detachment to restore a sense of self,  I hold in a very clingy, fetal fashion to my God.  Mainly because He is the only One who is going to restore me to sanity for another day.  He is the only One who can tell me that it is not based on my feelings that I took this job or love these kids.  It is the calling that He has placed on my life to be at this opportunity at this time to carry out His works and pass down His love and promises to children who don't know. 
I just wanted to take a break to type that out.  To remind myself when the next day comes.  Right now I need to meet individually with the students God has given me to care for in a loving way.  I need to see what I can do to be better at what I do.  I need to reorganize my thoughts.  I need to give them a plan so they don't feel so threatened by chaos.  I also need to tell some of them to get over themselves.  Much like I was told when I thought everyone was out to get me.
I love these kids.  I love these kids.  I truly love these kids.  Even on the days like this.   

Do You Like Green Eggs and Ham?

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Come my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord." Psalm 34:8-11

I never used to be the one who would jump at the chance to try new types of food.  Once I found something I liked, I stuck to it.  Name a restaurant.  I can tell exactly ONE food from there because I always get the same thing.  My mom used to complain because I refused to eat foods with certain items in them.  Nothing could have peppers, onions, brussel sprouts, anything looking funny or discolored. 

For some reason college opened up my adventure sense in the food department.  I started to like and try EVERYTHING.  Except for brussel sprouts.  It is unnatural.  And you are wrong if you like them.  End of story.  I got to the point where I enjoyed trying new things.  It wasn't a big deal if I didn't like it.  It was simply the adventure of seeing if it was worth it or not.  If college didn't push my boundaries, my trip to Hong Kong definitely did.  I can't even name some of the things we tried.  I do have pictures though...

Everytime I found something good or delicious I had to share it.  I got almost everyone addicted to warm little egg custard pastries at the Hong Kong market and it is a personal pledge to have my loved ones share my love for sushi before I die.  "Here, try it.  It is delicious.  It will change your life for real.  You will never eat the same.  Amazing right?"

Sadly, sometimes I am more interested in my family digging my version of Shrimp Pesto Pasta than of sharing my enthusiastic (or I guess NON-enthusiastic) relationship with Christ.  Because shouldn't I be pushing Christ like the best thing ever???? BECAUSE ISN'T HE????!!!!! Of course He is.  I love this Psalm because it reminds me to be humble before my King.  It reminds me to be reverant and fearful before the Lord Almighty.  But it also reminds me to seek after Him and show Him off with passion.  To run down hallways, streets and any other possible avenue screaming at the top of my lungs: "TASTE AND SEE!!!! He is sooooo good! Just try Him.  Just trust Him!  He will change your life. PROMISE!!!"

Lady of Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

I am still learning to be a Lady of Faith.  In all areas of my life I am learning to understand what it means to wait patiently.  To be still.  To be silent.  It has been a long road but the reapings of sitting in the silence of God are starting to show.

It has definately been a lot of give and take.  What I mean by that is that I have on numerous occasions given myself, my time, my hopes, my dreams to God and have told Him to do as He would see fit.  And then in a couple hours I took them all back.  Not much of a partnership.  Not much of a surrender.  Not much faith required.

When it comes to being single I have been a very jaded "Indian giver".  Excuse my lack of political correctness.  Since it is a personal blog you can let it slide.  I posted in October how I had made the promise to God to not seek out a relationship.  It was a pretty big commitment.  It was truly heartfelt.  It was a surrender I had been trying to dedicate for many years.  No more Indian giving for me.  I gave and for the first time, didn't try to get it back.  I praise God for loving me to be able to do that.  For healing me to be able to do that.  For teaching me to be able to do that.  For placing Godly men and women in my life to demonstrate how to do that.

It is three months later and God has given me a man after His own heart.  What is really neat is that we did not seek each other out.  It is not an accident encounter or an orchestrated, manipulated, desparate attempt at a feeble relationship.  It is the work of an Amazing God.  His hand is upon our relationship.  Guiding it.  Molding it.  Surrounding it.  What seems like just three weeks feels like years.  What felt awkward and one sided from previous relationships feels even, fitted and home with us. 

Still in my head sometimes are scars from past relationships.  Still are whispers of deceit and beckonings of brokeness.  For just a moment I allow the failure of my Indian giving concepts to overtake me and fear to grip me.  But part of being a Lady of Faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for and CERTAIN of what we DO NOT SEE.  It may take a minute to be still to hear God's whisper of love and promise.  But it is strong and true.  And TRUTH will always win.  So I take a deep breath. I surround myself with scripture, prayer, and yes, the texts of my love that assure me that he gets me and is praying as well.  I stand firm in the truth that God is the head of this relationship.  That my love follows Christ and is honest in his commitments.  That I don't need to steer or direct something that God is capable of orchestrating by Himself.  That the lies are simply that: lies.  That my love is my love and I am his.  And we are God's.  That I am human and that is all the more reason to practice my faith and study God's word.

Be Prepared

Ahhhh! I cannot contain my joy for God.  It is ridiculous.  I just wanted to share what God has shown me this morning.  Have you ever just sought out God in scripture???? I mean, hopefully you have.  If you haven't you need to try it.  I know that in my own personal walk I am ashamed that I have read scripture just because it was the motion that was necessary to say I had a "devotion".  I would wake up and read the next section of a book of the Bible and close the Bible and think, 'Good job Jenn.  You read some of God's Word.  Check it off, and go live your day for random purposes.'

Crazy way to read the Bible, I know.  The times I have gone through the motions of religion instead of seeking out a relationship with Jesus is embarassing and shameful.  The times I have justified my Christianity with a check off list of reading scripture and sending up a formula prayer breaks my heart.  That confession alone is so sad to me. 

Thank you Jesus that You continue to call after me until I get little moments of "Yes, Lord, I desperately seek after You because I desperately need You! This is real.  YOU ARE REAL."

Anyway, this morning I was reading in Jeremiah where God answers Jeremiah's plea for knowing when the desolation will end.  Basically God says, "If you can't handle yourself in this little storm, what will you do when the hurricane hits?"  It really struck me.  I felt the need to be really prepared. To really seek out what God says about being prepared.  I don't want to try to hold my head above water in the murky times and then be at a total lost when the crashing waves start to toss me around.  I want to know who my God is with certainty and security.  I want to be prepared.

So God led me to some amazing truth in 2 Timothy.  A book that until now has just been that little thin one with a bunch of other thin ones toward the end of the New Testament.  Oh God you are soooo good.

"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction." - 2 Timothy 4:2

Lord I want to constantly be in preparation for You.  So that when life gets tougher than I can imagine You are the Rock I cling to with hope and security.  I want to be prepared so that I can shout out Your goodness and love to anyone who will hear.  I want to be prepared so I can show Your traits with courage and strength. 

I love You Lord.  So much.