It's just You and me.

I have been on an incredible David Crowder Band kick lately. My friend Chris was OBSESSED with the band a couple years back and got me hooked, but the cds were replaced by newer bands and different music and so forth. I was looking through my old cds the other day and ran across my DCB collection. Such amazing lyrics and worship. I seem to have a certain song that kind of moves my day and I just stick it on repeat.
There's been a heaviness that has been pressing on me lately. It's not exactly bad. I feel better than I have felt in quite a while. I've laughed harder than I have ever laughed since last summer. God has been phenomenal in showing how He is all I need. Not only that, but learning all over again how to just be with Him has been humbling and exciting! But there is this extreme weight. To lift burdens off of others. To pray 24/7 that the Holy Spirit will intercede with words I cannot find to alleviate the pain, illness, sorrow, depression, emptiness and much more that seems to lay heavy in the hearts of those that I love and cherish.
I turn to music. It's my outlet and my personal way that I feel closest to God. My way of praising Him, praying to Him, begging Him, surrendering to Him, laying myself before Him. Today I was driving home from a meeting and the sky was unbelievably brilliant. It was foggy clouds with breaking sun and patches of rainbow. "What a glorious day, today! How great Your love for us, how great!" - DCB
I was listening to "Only You" by DCB and I hit the repeat button for half an hour. I closed my eyes (split second!) and raised my hands in complete worship for Him.
You see we are so worried, or at least I am, about the steps that we are taking and if they are leading to the right direction. We look into the future and say today is the day that will set the course for tomorrow. And while there may be truth in that, there is something so precious we look over. TODAY!!! I am so guilty of it. I feel like I need to read extra long in my Bible because I had a negative attitude instead of simply adoring His words to me. I say that this year God is preparing me so that I can be at a different place next year. What trash! Not that He is not preparing you, but what if yesterday was preparation for today and we are so worried about getting tomorrow right that we skip it? Mind boggling I know, but nonetheless.
I was driving and listening to this song and God placed so much peace on me. I lifted up prayers for loved ones and knew that God answered them in His perfect, loving way. I want every moment to be Only You Lord. I want it to be just You and me.
"Take my fret, take my fear, all I have, I'm leaving here.
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams, be all my delights, my everything.
And I will, worship, You Lord, only You Lord.
And I will, bow down, before You, only You Lord.
And it's just You and me."
- DCB

Praise Him under open skies...

It seems that lately everyone is carrying around a heavy burden. This weight that is pressed on their hearts. Some of them don't even know it, myself included. I woke up in great spirits on Monday. I was determined to change my perspective on life, the cards I had been dealt, and the way I viewed my circumstances. I walked into a fellow teacher's room to wish her good morning and she stopped me before I could say anything. She looked at me and sighed heavy. I asked her what was wrong.
"I don't know, you tell me Gray."
She said she could see this weight in my eyes and she just wanted to take it away.

I am so grateful for that kind of friendship. I am so humbled that I have people that care about me. I feel a pressing need to find ways to lift burdens off of people. I see it there in their eyes. I hear it in their sighs. I feel it in their silence. It is so heavy. So thick with emotions and built up walls. People are slowly closing themselves off like they have a safety valve switch. It's as if the world is not enough of an answer anymore and the end of the rope was miles back. So people decide to wrap up the pressing burden that they carry. They may complain and make it known, but the depth of it that weighs heavy on their hearts is hidden. Masked behind sarcasm, a smile, lies, activities, or ignorance.
We've forgotten the power of God. We know He has power. We understand that He is mighty to save. We pray for deliverance. But we've minimized God's potential. His amazing ability to feed thousands, heal lepers and make the blind see. His promise to come back, to give us peace, to overcome a world filled with trials and sorrows (John 16:33).

"You are not just a person living your life by human power. The Spirit of God is in you; that is why Jesus said it was better for Him to go and the Spirit to come. Don't walk away from this." - Francis Chan "Forgotten God"

How long are we going to walk around as empty vessels? How long are we going to try to reach out to God when His spirit already dwells in us if we believe? How long?
God I pray that you continue to break me. Don't let me be settled in a life, in a world, that is not my home. Help me see past broken technology, mindless meetings and a fallen world. Don't let it consume me until I am so weighted that I can't lift my hands and praise You.

Praise Him under open skies, everything breathing, praising God,
In the company of all who love the King, I will dance, I will sing,
It could be heavenly, turn the music loud, lift my voice and shout,
From where I am, from where I've been, He's been there with me,
He's built a monument. So let His people, His very people, SING SING SING!!!!
- David Crowder Band

Rediscovering Scripture

Have you ever read something and you understand what you have read? Or maybe you read something and you know what it is that you have read but you take it for granted that it was even readable? I know that sounds a little silly, but I do that a lot with scripture. I will get up in the morning and "ho-hum" my way to a passage. Maybe it is a random selection just so I can say I read part of the bible today. Maybe I read Hezekiah because I like the sound of it that day over John. (I'm just KIDDING!!!)
For whatever reason, I pick up my bible and I read. God is big and so my shortcomings of choosing a passage do not get in the way of Him showing me powerful things in His Word. It is even more impressive though when "rediscover scripture"!
The times where I read a passage and it was not so random I just sit back amazed at what God has shown me. For instance, I went to Boone recently to visit some great friends and my old church. The sermon was on resolutions. The scripture was in Colossians. Now I am going to be perfectly honest. I have read Colossians about two times. I think of the phrase G.od E.ats P.op C.orn when looking it up in the New Testament. I consider it less interesting than the other three. (we do notice that I am making the reading of God's Word TOTALLY about me right now, right?) Before this sermon I couldn't tell you what it was really about.
The sermon was based out of Chapter 3. Chapter 3 basically has a list of things to stay away from and is talking about setting what you think about and how you live your life to that of God and not of worldly things. Sorry it that is a crude summary. It also talks about the things you should uphold (the fruits of the Spirit) and talks some about wives, children and husbands. Oh yes, and slaves. I was listening to the sermon and a part of that chapter really stuck a note with me.

"When Christ, who IS (emphasis mine) your life appears,
then you also will appear with Him in glory." - Colossians 3:4

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!!! I literally just read that over and over for several days. God just didn't want me to let go of that verse. I realized how true that is and the impact that God has on the life HE HAS GIVEN ME. It was like I had another piece to this crazy puzzle called life.

"I am not mine own, I've been carried by You, all my life. Everything rides on hope now. Everything rides on faith, somehow. So when the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free!" - Addison Road

God has consistently been trying to make me realize the truth and honesty of really dying to yourself. The implications. The sacrifices. The complete death that is required of my selfish desires, wants and needs. Because my life was not created to do ANYTHING but glorify a Holy and Worthy God. My life does not belong to me because CHRIST IS MY LIFE. Every paycheck, every mood swing, every greeting or grumbling, every lesson plan, every thought, every song played, EVERYTHING belongs to Him. To His glory.
Do I do this consistently? No. Do I refuse to choose Him over me? A lot. Does it stop the fact that even when adversity strikes or my selfish will takes over, that He still deserves and expects greater from me? No.
Lord forgive me when I falter. Forgive me when I fall down and I choose my weakness to serve myself. Show me daily Your ways and open up scripture to me as a guide to serve You and others in all that I do.

The second part of resolutions

So the first part of the resolution process is conviction. Are you convicted enough? Do you realize the importance of changing your behavior, plan, aspect of your life to actually resolve to change it? Either we can admit we are too selfish to change or sacrifice our comfort for a new commitment to change. I for one have been entirely way too selfish in my ways to change several aspects of my very comfortable life. Although I felt conviction and knew change was necessary, I have used countless excuses and blamed others for my lack of gumption. But after conviction, after taking steps to really solve a problem and know that it will be for the better, comes the second part that plays a vital role in making the resolution real.

Commitment. Whew. That is a scary word. People throw this word around all the time with no concept of the gravity it holds. Let's go to the definition shall we?

Commitment: the trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of a purpose

Someone has a goal in mind. A purpose. Let's look at marriage since we are all aware that the word "commitment" is heavily used in that area. A guy and girl decide they have feelings for each other and eventually assume or feel that they have fallen in love. The guy ask the girl to marry him. To commit to him. They agree together before God and other witnesses to commit to each other and a life where decisions will now be proposed, debated, collaborated, and carried out as a team. Where you are no longer working through life as an individual, but as a pair to display God's love and glory, not only through your own actions, but as a created unit. It is one of the most priviledged responsibilities. However, in America this act of commitment is all too often not taken sincerely and with a steadfast fixity of purpose. People get married for the wrong reasons; they get married based on "feeling of the moment", fear of loneliness, fear of "this is as good as it is going to get", feeling pressured, filling a void that should be filled and sustained by God. All these different reasons, and then when push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, it is over. The commitment was acknowledged, but not taken seriously. In fact there is a WEBSITE dedicated to divorce rate in America. How sad is that? I realize that truly I cannot report clearly on marriage or divorce being as I have never experienced either one. However, this is a common issue in our lives. A classic case of failed commitment.

This being said, once we realize we are truly convicted of our problematic areas and want to resolve them, we make the resolution which is in essence, a commitment to fix them. So why are we not steadfast in our fixity of this purpose?

Well I know that I personally start a lot of the things I commit with my own personal gain in mind. When I do this, it is a lot easier to break the commitment once I no longer am interested in my personal gain. Or my personal gain shifts to something else. For example, I really know and acknowledge that having personal time set aside for God every day is not only going to strengthen my relationship with Him but change my outlook on life for everyday occurances. I know this. I make the commitment with my ultimate goal not getting to know God better or glorifying Him, but so that my days will feel easier and I can feel good about myself. The commitment fails the day that everything else is going on and I feel tired and my goal of making my day feel easier now includes dropping that intimate time with God to free up time. I made the commitment, but for the wrong reasons. For selfish reasons.

So to really make the commitment I need to find the right reason for the commitment. Where my feelings or my own selfish desires won't hinder my steadfast resolution.

1Corinthians 10:31 says that whatever we do, we should do it for the glory of God. Our commitment, our resolution should be with the intent or purpose of glorifying God. Our resolve to change should be so that when people look at our actions, when they view how we live our lives, they can see an example of how to glorify God. ( Matthew 5:16)

I pray that God places a brokeness in my life that I depend on Him fully. That I make commitments to people and to myself that will depend on His strength and will glorify His name.

A New Year and Fresh Start

It has been quite a while for posting, I know. With this coming New Year comes resolutions. There are several definitions for resolution.
Resolution: a) a solution
b) finding a solution to a problem
c) a settlement, something settled or resolved, the outcome
d) analysis into clear cut components

I take all these definitions to mean that one of the first steps to finding a resolution is to actually acknowledge that there is a problem. Almost like AA. If you are like me, then you are aware of many areas of your life that you would consider problematic. Areas that upon closer inspection really could use some tweaking if not complete renovation. Two issues come up when we start this analysis of problematic areas in our life.

Conviction: Do we really want to change those mediocre grey areas? I know for a fact that I have issues with several things including not following through, being consistently late, and no concept on how to control my financial spending. I am constantly stressed out by all three and the thought in the back of my mind that life would be a little easier where I to fix these three things. But everytime I have thought that I would give effort to these areas I look back now and realize that I did it half heartedly. Obviously life hasn't been unbearable with these minor flaws and I have survived, so why really try to commit to change in these areas? A very sad realization. The fact that I would settle (resolve) to stay below my potential is not very attractive. What does it take to really look back and realize that these little things that I assume just add simple stress are really parts of a bigger whole that reflect my relationship with an Almighty God?
God has been trying desperately to reveal the answer to that question. I just have tried just as desperately to ignore it. Scripture says that I am a child of the Father. That I am to show Him to all of the world. When I don't follow through on something, I am saying that the promise or agreement I originally made has lost its importance. God is not wishy-washy. For lack of a better term. He keeps His promises and stays with His original thought. So how am I showing who Christ is when I break my promise or don't follow through? When I am consistently late I am showing a lack of concern for the event or person I am late for. I am telling them with my actions that they are not important to me. I can't recall any passage in the bible where Jesus showed he did not care for another human being or issue. Jesus was always taking time out of His schedule to stop and pray, heal or simply talk to complete strangers. I can't even plan accordingly so that I will be ready for people I love! My finances also reflect on my relationship with God. All that I have belongs to Him. When I don't give back in Thanksgiving or spend it as if it were mine to do with what I want, it shows a complete lack of disrespect for God and the blessings He allows in my life. It also hinders me from being able to bless others. God has given me a salary not to fulfill my needs but to glorify Him further! What a crazy responsibility that I throw away more often than not.

The long and short of it is that even the little things matter. So my conviction should be stronger even in the least of these areas. I pray that the Holy Spirit convicts me to realize the ramifications of my actions. To allow me to know that even these things display my love for Christ and for people. No more time for posting today. I have promises I have to keep!

psalm 71

This is one of my favorite psalms. I have read countless times and it never gets old and I always learn new things from it everytime I read it. It's pretty long but the part that really speaks to me today is this:
¹⁹ Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

²¹ You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

I love this. I love how the psalmist uses the word "again". I look back on my life and I can see a lot of valleys and a lot of mountain tops. I remember at the time I was in the valley I wasn't sure exactly how I got there and how I was going to get back out. Looking back now I see that God restored me. He brought me up again. and again. and again. I am so undeserving.

Recently I have been through my biggest valley yet. It is like nothing I have gone through before. I feel like I am scrambling up the sides and just falling back down. But for the first time I am able to see how I will get out. It's like a light at the end of the tunnel. It's awesome. God has shown so much in different ways. My heart is still hurt but God is restoring once again.

The Music in Me

This is a song by Jimmy Needham. He is an amazing artist. I really love the lyrics because it is kind of how I feel right now in my life. Lord I want to do the things that will please You. But so often I don't. Whatever lies ahead, whether it is something I have waited for or something I had no idea was in store, You are my first love. You are the creator of my soul and my being. Keep me close to You and to Your promise that You know best. Life is not supposed to please me and make me happy but is given so that Your name can be praised and so that You can be glorified. I tend to forget that when life doesn't go the way I want it to or I feel like I am wandering around confused. Thank You for amazing family and friends that show the example of Your love everyday.


Lyrics to Lost At Sea :
How could you see what you see and not totally
Want to discontinue me for all eternity and then some
It bothers me so that I could be so
Completely unaffected when connected to the holy one
And so I sit here and stare at this page and wonder
At what age it will become clear to me
So for now I am clueless to how you do this
And how you move this spirit in me

I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea

How could your favor be the flavor I savor
When the fruits of my labor are so unfavorable
And old pages are setting the stages for something outrageous
A man who can save all our souls
And you know and you know

I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea

Ride the wave, wave goodbye, by the way did I mention today
That I don't know the way home
So could you take me by the hand and lead me to the dryer land
So I can finally breathe again instead of sinking like a stone
And now I will diligently and not religiously but affectionately come
Before the throne of your grace in this place and seek your face
For all eternity and then some
[ Lost At Sea Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]