Wait For It... Wait For It...

Well hello blog world. I know it has been a few but...

Oh life. It is a lot of things. Lately it has felt very rushed, drained, pushed, shoved and basically limited in all aspects. Never is there a moment just to be still. To breathe. Until this Thanksgiving break.

The funny thing is that I create all of that. Sometimes I am fascinated by my brain. Because

1. It acts like it is on SPEED

2. It moves at a faster pace than my soul

3. It is super creative in the fact that it knows how to keep me active/busy 24/7

4. It can really only be shut down with music

You know that you need a break or something is seriously wrong with you when your body starts to have a mini-panic attack at the BEGINNING of a break or weekend because it is already counting down the hours you have left instead of enjoying the hours to come.

That is me pretty much. I go ALL THE TIME. I do ALL THE TIME. I act ALL THE TIME. I am the person that listens to the songs that talk about being still in God's presence and I cry because I desperately want that yet I start to calculate and fit a time for God into my schedule. I am the person that wakes up early to spend time with God in His Word and I try to guesstimate the time it will take to spend with God so I can get my hair dry, coffee made and stuff packed before I leave for work so I won't be later than I want to be. I am the person that sits quietly in God's presence trying to wait patiently in silence because I owe Him more than that, and five minutes in I am asking God "Are we there yet?" "I have to go to the bathroom."

Why? Am I secretly ADD? Not really. It is because this world is fast-paced. Everything is go, go, go. As an individual I create things to keep me busy. As a pleaser I constantly seek opportunities to be acknowledged. It is a sick obsession and confession but there it is.

Patience? I don't truly know the meaning of that word yet. And I sure know that you should never pray for it. Because then God would of course help you learn it. Hopefully there is a lesson on tape. So I can do something else while I am half-listening. Or maybe some cliff-notes so I can get the gist and move on...

I do love how God constantly reminds me that He wants me to slow down. He uses friends, music and most of all His Living Word. I was reading in Exodus today about the escape across the Red Sea. So fascinating. I was forcing myself to read with purpose because OF COURSE I had read this account tons of times. However, this morning I read something I never noticed before. In chapter 14 verse 14 God speaks to Moses. Everyone is freaking out because they ASSUME God has led them to their deaths. God speaks to them and says (ARE YOU READY??? CUZ THIS IS SOOO COOL!!!!), "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. wow. Now of course it doesn't mean you sit around waiting for things to happen. The very next verse God is telling Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on!" Which I find extremely funny and uplifting because although I am going constantly in my life, I tend to gravitate and GO back to the same thing before. I love that God yells at me from heaven, "Hey Jenn! Why are you stuck on that same mess? MOVE ON! GO! Don't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself!" Which I totally need like EVERY OTHER SECOND of my day.

But still I keep coming back to verse 14. How amazing. I just feel Him saying, "Jenn. I love you. I am going to do amazing things to show my glory. Believing in Me is going to be rough. Have faith. I have your back. You need only to be still. You need only to know that I am Lord. You need only to stay firm in your grounding that I have covered every inch of your sinful nature with My blood so that you could have this moment to proclaim My Name and be in My courts. You need only to trust Me because I am Your Father, Creator, Ordainer, Counselor, Protector and Redeemer."

Thanks. Thank You God. Thank You for Your living Word. Thank You for the cross. Thanks for lessons in how to "be still" and know that You are God.

I Wish I Were the Rain...

I love the rain. There is just something soothing about the sound as it falls outside. I have been one of those crazy people that go out in the rain just to soak it up. I don't mind when it rains and I am on a hike. I don't mind (or at least I can laugh about it) if it rains while I am camping. I don't get bothered by the drops as I go from place to car or car to place. I have never been one to rush to an overhang or other type of shelter. I stroll through the wet beaded curtains. Rain is glorious. It is calming. It is steady even if the pace shifts. It washes away dirt. It cools heated sidewalks. It nourishes dry fields. I am so thankful for rain. Thank you God for rain. There is a song by Shedaisy that just adequately describes the effects that rain can have:

Don't you wish that you could live outside the insane

Don't you ever wish, for a free reign

Cuz it can fall as hard as it wants to

gingerly drip down a lover's face

cry for hours and weeks on end and never

feel a bit, out of place

It can feed a field, put out a fire, and never feel the pain

I wish I were the rain...

Thank you God for rain. :)

When God Speaks, I Want To Be Waiting...

I have shared this with a lot of people already. Pretty much anyone that will listen. I will read scripture sometimes and just thrust it in other people's faces as if to say, "DO YOU GET WHAT I AM GETTING???" It is because I am so excited over what I have read. Maybe I am reading it for the first time or maybe the one hundredth time and I get a new meaning from God's living and breathing Word. I know I get kind of psycho animated and speedtalk when I try to share what I have just read. I go into this frenzy where you just HAVE to understand what I see because it is so eye-opening for me that I just can't keep it to myself and far be it from me to hold it back from you if it could do the same for you. Anyway, I want to share.

Lately I have been struggling. It's an underwater struggle. You know the kind. Where you think you have this great hold on something that is difficult and you do a pretty good job of keeping the surface calm. The exterior looks stretched sometimes, but not too shabby. It's only every once in a while when you believe the calm that you are relaxed enough to really let the struggle start to win. And a struggle underwater is hard! First of all, you can't breathe. Second of all, it is in an environment that you are not normally in so you don't have the upperhand. Not a good situation.

So my underwater struggle is starting to get the upperhand. I am fighting like crazy, but I'm also panicking because I am running out of air. At the same time I hear in the back of my mind: you're uncomfortable, that's good; you're unfinished, I'm not done with you yet; you're undone, fall into My arms where there is rest and healing.

I am also still reading in Genesis and I read the account of when God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. WOW. This is where it gets good! (It's God's WORD. How can it NOT be good?)

22:1 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.” 2 He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” (ESV)

Look at that. WOW. God speaks (SPEAKS) to Abraham and he is totally there. Like he was waiting by the phone. I love it. I want to do that. Then God says for Abraham to take his son. But He says it 4 times in 4 different ways. There is the generic, "take your son" which is general. Then He adds, "your ONLY son" implying that God knows this is personal. God knows that this son is the promised son. The one that Abraham spent years praying and waiting for to come. He then calls his son by name. God points out that He intimately knows Isaac as well. He has been there through every scraped knee, every birthday cake that was smashed in the face, every bedtime story. He knows. Then he says, "whom. you. love." WOW! Really? GOD KNOWS. God knows the depth of my feelings. He loves as well. More than I ever could. He cares.

Now this is not a new concept. I have known that God cares for most of my life. Nothing new. But it IS NEW. I can't explain it. IT MATTERS. I am in awe that an almighty and powerful God cares for me enough to know my heart. That He cares enough for the ones I love to know their hearts. That He cares enough for the people I can't stand to know their hearts as well.

I don't need to keep my surface calm. Because God knows my pain.
I don't need to struggle underwater. Because God knows my fear and weakness.
I don't need to worry about the future. Because God knows my heart's desires.
I don't need to mourn over my losses alone. Because God knows the depth of my heart.
I don't need to be afraid of the unknown. Because God knows what I do not.
I don't need to be concerned with my loves. Because God loves them more than I do.

It's not always pretty. It's not always what I think is best. It's not always the way I would have done it. But God KNOWS. Not only that but HE CARES. Enough to call me by name. I pray for full obedience to a knowing and loving God.

One Year RADICAL Experiment

I just finished reading this awesome book. It's called "Radical" by David Platt. Pretty amazing. He makes amazing points and backs it up with scripture. In the book he talks about many things (most are hard to swallow and own up to) and then at the end he gives out a challenge to commit to a year of living radically. So for year I have committed to the following things:

1) Pray for the entire world
I know this sounds cliche. I mean, of course we pray for and think about the whole world, but do we really? I don't. I want to. I plan to. But I never DO. In Matthew 9 Jesus tells his disciples to pray for people to be sent to spread the Word. I don't want to randomly send up words for world peace and think I have done my duty. I want to fervently pray for specific needs all over the country and globe and I want pressing needs to be placed on my heart for people (maybe myself) that will be mobilized to venture out across the waters to places that are not safe and not yet reached.

2) Read through the entire word
This is something I have never done. Frankly, I have never ever been a fan of the "read the Bible in a year" fan club. I always thought it was ridiculous and not heart-felt at all. It seemed like another mundane task instead of soaking up God's Word. But you can't pick and choose Words of Life that are God-breathed. You can't say, "Oh, I can tell you what God said about loving others and being kind to each other, but I thought the whole 'Fear Me' thing was a bit redundant in the Old Testament, so I can't recall a lot." I want to search and discover what God designed from the start of life, not just the warm, fuzzy pieces that I choose. I have really been thinking about this one since January when one of my friends decided to read the Bible in a Year. I wasn't in agreement, but it made me start to rethink my judgement. In 2 Timothy it tells us that the Word is able to equip, protect and a whole bunch of stuff. I think I should give His Words a little more thought.

3) Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose
Whew. This is a tough one. I feel, like most true Americans, that I never have enough. Even when I know I am totally blessed. Never have I made a sacrifice that is monetary and completely on faith. But isn't all that I have ever received a gift from God? Something that has never belonged to me? A lot of roadblock I build up in this area is the ridicule and 'she's out of her mind' looks and lectures that have come from past experiences of talk or action of "reckless giving". One should look after themselves first right? Make sure that they have a good savings to fall on. Money for retirement. All of that. I hear it constantly. And it isn't that I don't understand. Or even agree on some comfort level. But I know I was not designed to build up worldly treasures for myself or my loved ones. So despite my fears I want to step out radically in this department. I have so much. I not only have to sacrifice the things of comfort and safety that I want or feel I need, but I also have to lay my finances in God's capable hands. I have debt that I need to take care of so I can give MORE. Sadly this will probably be one of the hardest of the five tasks this year. I pray that God will guide my decisions and that I won't be led astray by the scoffers or worriers. In Matthew 6 it says that where my treasure is, there my heart will also be.

4) Spend my time in another context
The great send-off, great go-getter, great "get your butt up and movin" speech in Matthew says to go into alll corners of the world. So for one week I am going to spend my time out of my comfort zone. I am going to use my talent in a foreign land. This could lead to a life committment, a yearly venture or open doors to other opportunities. I have no idea. I just know that I need to go. That I need to see. That I need to be there in person to let someone across the globe know that God loves them and I want to tell them in person because it matters so much that they hear. It's not only a pull of my heart for some time, but a command ( NOT OPTION) that God gives me so that all the world will hear.

5) Commit my life to a multiplying community
This might be the second hardest. I need to look around me and realize that the place I live is full of need. The community I drive around in daily needs to know that God loves them and there is a Savior just as much as the African tribe in the jungle or the orphanage in Russia. The children I teach need to know that there is someone that is stable, commanding, loving, everlasting, who keeps His promises over and over, who is firm, who forgives and who saves. I have sadly WASTED two years in a place where I could have been proclaiming His name and instead was loving mediocrity between this world and what I have been created for. I have been lukewarm. I have been half alive. What an insult to the One who desperately loves me and gave His life for me.

So I want to be radical. I want to be different. I'm not sure the details of what that looks like. But I know I am promised persecution. I know I am promised mockery and hatred and rejection. I know I am also promised life in abundance and a reward that is far greater than I can imagine.

In the Bible there is a verse that says, "Do not be afraid of those that can kill the body but not the soul. Rather be afraid of the One that can destroy both body and soul." Matthew 10:28

The worst the world can do is kill me.

At Just the Right Time...

So I am a planner of sorts. Some of you laugh because you have seen my plans and heard my plans and then witness what I don't accomplish with those plans. Some of you laugh because you know of my list of plans and my various plans according to season, holiday or other. Regardless of my plans, I am a planner. In fact, while I was wasting time sitting in my college classes (second to back, near the wall) I would plan my life out. Partly because I am a girl and partly because I am a girly-girl, I would sit in the back while organizational psychology droned on, and I would plan my life. Sadly, I would get out a sheet of paper and start with my age and label down the page important events that would take place at the appropriate interval. Unlike most girls I had planned to marry later and have kids later, but it all pretty much looked the same. I would meet my husband after college, we would date for a year, we would have a short (SHORT) engagement and we wouldn't have kids for another two of three years after we were married. Then the kids would come, sometimes I planned two years like clockwork, occasionally I would plan 3 or 4 years in between. If class was super long I would look at my planned life according to my grandkids. It really passed the time...

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on my mood), life has not lived up to my mediocre, monotonous planned parenting/family/paper life. I used to be sad about this. It still kind of grates as I watch more and more of my loved ones get married and pregnant. But through a lot of my reading and time with God lately, He is showing me fantastic things. Things I can't even define or put my finger on yet, but have given me an uncontrollable excitement about my life in His hands.

For instance, just today I was reading in this book (Radical by David Platt AMAZING!!!) and I was reading Romans. For what felt like the first time. I mean, REALLY reading it. And there are these verses that are just soooooo amazing. Journey with me!

In Romans 4:17 Paul talks about Abraham and his amazing faith. And the verse goes on to say "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were."

What a strange verse! I mean, I understand what he is talking about with the life to the dead part, but the second part really got me and I wanted to know more. The side reference called for 1Corinthians 1:28, so I ventured there. "He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."

What an awesome insight into how Christ has designed us to live! Not this planned out version on paper, but a life where all of us is given up for His glory so that we are nothing so His glory can be the only thing that is seen. I can't even think of the right combination of letters on this keyboard to express what I am feeling. Only that I am excited! I am excited for a life that is more than a flat piece of paper. I am excited for a life that shows God is God and I am not as I continue to rely on His holiness to lead the way instead of my meager attempts of scheduling. I am excited about seeing God's grace for an unsaved lost world as I venture past the house, the car, the husband, the kids that my heart desires to new possibilities of what God desires for my heart to yearn for as I disciple and learn. I AM EXCITED!! With that, I leave you with an awesome verse that shows God's ultimate love and His perfect timing!

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." - Romans 5:6

New Things, New Ideas

So I don't really like change. Most of you who know me, know this. In fact most of you who know me know that that statement is an understatement. That when change happens, no matter how much I am prepared for it, I become very stressed, very anxious and very agitated. I do it now like second nature. Unless I make the change happen or cause it on purpose in some way, I freak out. It's all part of my mild OCD. Those of you who know me know about that understatement as well. However, it has become my goal to NOT be opposed to change. Slowly things have come to mind that have made me realize that to fully rely on God, to be in His hands on purpose with a commitment to Him in mind, I should be open to change. Especially change that is not initiated by me.

I also realize it is time to start focusing more on what God has been trying to tell me instead of my own selfish desires.

I know this my be one of my shortest posts and probably one of my most vague. Strangely I am not really ready to delve into all that God is revealing to me. It is a very tender place for me. One that I want to be willing to jump head first into, but one that I am very much uncomfortable in treading. I feel like for the first time I am actually going to places I am not sure of and therefore, really don't know what to say except that God has amazing plans.

I want to be bold. I want to love God and people like crazy. I want to want all of Him even when I don't feel like doing it. I want to be seen as weird and not right and not of this world. I can't have it all in my viewpoint, but I can have all I need in His hands. God keep me focused on that.

prayer requests:
a friend who is hurting
Real Life Church
our growing youth
my school, the teachers, and the students
a friend who is troubled
YEAH!!! my mom got the job! my family needs prayer for their new life style adjustment.

Do I WANT to Believe the Truth???

Here are some great little snippets from Galatians 5:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - 5:1

"For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." - 5:6

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you." - 5:7

I love that last one. Maybe because it deals with a race, and currently I am trying to make it my summer goal to run a 10k. Or maybe because sometimes I feel like this verse. I feel like I am on the "right" path. That I am making good choices, I have a great attitude, I haven't sinned in 4.5 days, I have taken all my vitamins and then BAM! Something happens and I feel the bitterness, the injustice, the unfairness, the unequality of life seep into my soul and I start to resent, to doubt, to scramble around for a filler for the emptiness.

I was running a good race! I was feeling great! My time was awesome and the day was sunny but cooling. Who in the WORLD cut in on me??? Who just sped up, dropped right in front of me and started a slow crawl?? The audacity. Now I have to circle around. Now I have to work extra hard. Now I have to find a different path. NOT COMFORTABLE! NOT OK!

Or maybe I was running this great race and the water stand not only had water, but had other goodies as well. And the helper that was passing them out was very convincing that I should just not finish this race. There would be other races. There would be another opportunity. There would be another moment where I could shine. Why rush NOW? Why not just do it halfway like I have done in the past? Why not just take a break from the race? I can pick it back up later right? That kind of persuasion did not come from the ONE who had set me on the course in the first place. That kind of persuasion is a lie. That kind of persuasion is not the truth.

I know those last two statements are not necessary. Clearly if something is a lie then it is not the truth. But do we really know that? Do we really see that for what it is? Sometimes I don't. Slowly I am starting to understand that there is a difference and I am starting to make sure I am aware of it. I start to run the race and I feel good and then I get persuaded that I should stop and make other things my priority. But it is a LIE. Who cut in on me? Sometimes it is work, sometimes a friend, sometimes the overriding desire to be in a relationship, sometimes it is me. I want to start surrounding myself with TRUTH.

Lie: I need someone to be with because I am alone.
Truth: My God will never leave me nor forsake me. He knows the desires of my heart.

Lie: I can't accomplish anything.
Truth: When I am weak, His strength is shown. He will give me what I need to accomplish His will.

Lie: I need things in this world and people's approval.
Truth: My God is sufficient. He supplies all my needs.

The list goes on. Time and time again something or someone tries to persuade me. And time and time again God reminds me of His truth. I just have to believe it. And I do.

Prayer Requests:
my mom searching for a job
Real Life Church
Darrell and Robyn selling the house
my summer plans
Josh in Cambodia
Overhills Middle staff and students