RENEWED

There is something to say about new beginnings. You know those moments where you have a fresh start? Where it is as if the slate is clean? Funny thing about those moments. I usually just pretend that the slate is clean. I tell myself that since I am in a new environment, a new moment, a new surrounding, that I can just be something new that I create myself. I can put on this great front and say that I have truly forgiven myself. I can say that I am stronger. I can say that I wasn't hurt or damaged for the long run. I can say that I am good, and right, and ok with the world and I have everything under control.

Except I am not honest with myself.

See, the thing that is wrong with that passage is that there are a lot of "I"s in there. A lot of me. Not a lot of Christ. And that has been my ploy for many years. It's not that I didn't believe. But I believed under my conditions. I believed to the extent that I thought I was capable. Look, there I go with the "I" thing again.

The Bible says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His perfect and pleasing will." Romans 12:2

I never noticed the word "pattern" before. The scripture doesn't just say to not be like the world, but do not be like the "pattern" of this world.

It's that sick cycle. That generational curse. That feeling of "everybody is doing it". The thought process of "I'm just having a bad day. I will be better tomorrow."

God's will for me is to be like Him. God's will for me is for there to be no "I". So that when I step into a new situation I can truly believe and say that God has truly forgiven, He has made stronger, He has healed the broken and damaged, God is good and right and has everything under control.

Second New Year...

Who is this gal??

She is confident in her Lord Jesus.

She believes in second chances (and sometimes thirds and fourths...)

She knows that she knows that she knows that God loves her.

She knows she is a masterpiece in a working progress.

She is on her way to Africa.

She is called to serve.

She is created in His image.

She is exhausted but truly filled with His joy.

She hasn't felt this alive since two years ago.

She is addicted to steamed edamame.

She has amazing friends.

She herself hasn't always been the amazing friend.

She is working on that.

She is getting her life and finances in order ONLY by the grace of God.

She is a child of God.

She is going back to working out in the mornings.

She is a Daniel, and a Sarah, and a Ruth but also a Naomi.

She is free.

50 First Dates

So this is totally random and weird and just cliche, but I am about to use a movie as an example for God's love for us.

I know everyone has marketed that area of Godly teaching. I realize there are tons of references to God through t-shirts with logos that look suspiciously like Mountain Dew, Twilight, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that there are movies and books galore with plot lines that model the plight of our world and how Jesus saves (which He does, by the way). I just look at this as my little symbolic gesture of understanding Jesus through modern pop culture... and I just thought it was cool when I was thinking about it.

I was watching 50 First Dates. It is a really good movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. As soon as it was over I did what any person without a life or a family does on a Wednesday night during the holidays: I got on facebook to let the world know how much I loved this movie. ( I have to update my life at least twice daily through facebook or it doesn't count and I will disappear from this reality... I also get mad props for using text language like "lol" in my posts...)

Anyway, the movie is about this girl that has memory issues. She was in an accident and can only remember up to a certain day and basically keeps reliving that day over and over thanks to her brother and father who keep perpetuating the illusion. The guy, Adam Sandler, basically tries to get her to fall in love with him all over every day. The reason it is such a great movie is because it appeals to both sexes. It is funny and endearing, but honestly, what girl doesn't want a guy to spend his day every day reminding her why they are in love? And what guy for that matter wouldn't jump at the opportunity to do or say stupid things knowing the girl is going to forget all the bad stuff the next morning? It is like a fresh start.

I mulled over this and then my relationship with God kind of popped in my head. So here is the big God symbolism. Although it is different in the respect that God is the man AND the woman in this plot. See, God desires me daily. Daily He is telling me that He wants me to choose Him. Yet at the same time He is able to look at me through the blood of Jesus Christ and see me new and clean, spotless. Day after day He is capable of that.

Now I know that God is amazing. That He is all-powerful. But it is still a little daunting to think that after years of abuse, neglect and indifference I show Him, that He would bother to call me His child. That He would bat an eye in my direction. That He is capable of not only healing me physically, but of healing the sin within me. That is some powerful stuff there.

So there is my quick analogy. My far-out reach with a Godly connection to raunchy comedy mixed in with a love story. In fact the Greatest Love Story ever known.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Amen

Wait For It... Wait For It...

Well hello blog world. I know it has been a few but...

Oh life. It is a lot of things. Lately it has felt very rushed, drained, pushed, shoved and basically limited in all aspects. Never is there a moment just to be still. To breathe. Until this Thanksgiving break.

The funny thing is that I create all of that. Sometimes I am fascinated by my brain. Because

1. It acts like it is on SPEED

2. It moves at a faster pace than my soul

3. It is super creative in the fact that it knows how to keep me active/busy 24/7

4. It can really only be shut down with music

You know that you need a break or something is seriously wrong with you when your body starts to have a mini-panic attack at the BEGINNING of a break or weekend because it is already counting down the hours you have left instead of enjoying the hours to come.

That is me pretty much. I go ALL THE TIME. I do ALL THE TIME. I act ALL THE TIME. I am the person that listens to the songs that talk about being still in God's presence and I cry because I desperately want that yet I start to calculate and fit a time for God into my schedule. I am the person that wakes up early to spend time with God in His Word and I try to guesstimate the time it will take to spend with God so I can get my hair dry, coffee made and stuff packed before I leave for work so I won't be later than I want to be. I am the person that sits quietly in God's presence trying to wait patiently in silence because I owe Him more than that, and five minutes in I am asking God "Are we there yet?" "I have to go to the bathroom."

Why? Am I secretly ADD? Not really. It is because this world is fast-paced. Everything is go, go, go. As an individual I create things to keep me busy. As a pleaser I constantly seek opportunities to be acknowledged. It is a sick obsession and confession but there it is.

Patience? I don't truly know the meaning of that word yet. And I sure know that you should never pray for it. Because then God would of course help you learn it. Hopefully there is a lesson on tape. So I can do something else while I am half-listening. Or maybe some cliff-notes so I can get the gist and move on...

I do love how God constantly reminds me that He wants me to slow down. He uses friends, music and most of all His Living Word. I was reading in Exodus today about the escape across the Red Sea. So fascinating. I was forcing myself to read with purpose because OF COURSE I had read this account tons of times. However, this morning I read something I never noticed before. In chapter 14 verse 14 God speaks to Moses. Everyone is freaking out because they ASSUME God has led them to their deaths. God speaks to them and says (ARE YOU READY??? CUZ THIS IS SOOO COOL!!!!), "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. wow. Now of course it doesn't mean you sit around waiting for things to happen. The very next verse God is telling Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on!" Which I find extremely funny and uplifting because although I am going constantly in my life, I tend to gravitate and GO back to the same thing before. I love that God yells at me from heaven, "Hey Jenn! Why are you stuck on that same mess? MOVE ON! GO! Don't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself!" Which I totally need like EVERY OTHER SECOND of my day.

But still I keep coming back to verse 14. How amazing. I just feel Him saying, "Jenn. I love you. I am going to do amazing things to show my glory. Believing in Me is going to be rough. Have faith. I have your back. You need only to be still. You need only to know that I am Lord. You need only to stay firm in your grounding that I have covered every inch of your sinful nature with My blood so that you could have this moment to proclaim My Name and be in My courts. You need only to trust Me because I am Your Father, Creator, Ordainer, Counselor, Protector and Redeemer."

Thanks. Thank You God. Thank You for Your living Word. Thank You for the cross. Thanks for lessons in how to "be still" and know that You are God.

I Wish I Were the Rain...

I love the rain. There is just something soothing about the sound as it falls outside. I have been one of those crazy people that go out in the rain just to soak it up. I don't mind when it rains and I am on a hike. I don't mind (or at least I can laugh about it) if it rains while I am camping. I don't get bothered by the drops as I go from place to car or car to place. I have never been one to rush to an overhang or other type of shelter. I stroll through the wet beaded curtains. Rain is glorious. It is calming. It is steady even if the pace shifts. It washes away dirt. It cools heated sidewalks. It nourishes dry fields. I am so thankful for rain. Thank you God for rain. There is a song by Shedaisy that just adequately describes the effects that rain can have:

Don't you wish that you could live outside the insane

Don't you ever wish, for a free reign

Cuz it can fall as hard as it wants to

gingerly drip down a lover's face

cry for hours and weeks on end and never

feel a bit, out of place

It can feed a field, put out a fire, and never feel the pain

I wish I were the rain...

Thank you God for rain. :)

When God Speaks, I Want To Be Waiting...

I have shared this with a lot of people already. Pretty much anyone that will listen. I will read scripture sometimes and just thrust it in other people's faces as if to say, "DO YOU GET WHAT I AM GETTING???" It is because I am so excited over what I have read. Maybe I am reading it for the first time or maybe the one hundredth time and I get a new meaning from God's living and breathing Word. I know I get kind of psycho animated and speedtalk when I try to share what I have just read. I go into this frenzy where you just HAVE to understand what I see because it is so eye-opening for me that I just can't keep it to myself and far be it from me to hold it back from you if it could do the same for you. Anyway, I want to share.

Lately I have been struggling. It's an underwater struggle. You know the kind. Where you think you have this great hold on something that is difficult and you do a pretty good job of keeping the surface calm. The exterior looks stretched sometimes, but not too shabby. It's only every once in a while when you believe the calm that you are relaxed enough to really let the struggle start to win. And a struggle underwater is hard! First of all, you can't breathe. Second of all, it is in an environment that you are not normally in so you don't have the upperhand. Not a good situation.

So my underwater struggle is starting to get the upperhand. I am fighting like crazy, but I'm also panicking because I am running out of air. At the same time I hear in the back of my mind: you're uncomfortable, that's good; you're unfinished, I'm not done with you yet; you're undone, fall into My arms where there is rest and healing.

I am also still reading in Genesis and I read the account of when God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. WOW. This is where it gets good! (It's God's WORD. How can it NOT be good?)

22:1 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.” 2 He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” (ESV)

Look at that. WOW. God speaks (SPEAKS) to Abraham and he is totally there. Like he was waiting by the phone. I love it. I want to do that. Then God says for Abraham to take his son. But He says it 4 times in 4 different ways. There is the generic, "take your son" which is general. Then He adds, "your ONLY son" implying that God knows this is personal. God knows that this son is the promised son. The one that Abraham spent years praying and waiting for to come. He then calls his son by name. God points out that He intimately knows Isaac as well. He has been there through every scraped knee, every birthday cake that was smashed in the face, every bedtime story. He knows. Then he says, "whom. you. love." WOW! Really? GOD KNOWS. God knows the depth of my feelings. He loves as well. More than I ever could. He cares.

Now this is not a new concept. I have known that God cares for most of my life. Nothing new. But it IS NEW. I can't explain it. IT MATTERS. I am in awe that an almighty and powerful God cares for me enough to know my heart. That He cares enough for the ones I love to know their hearts. That He cares enough for the people I can't stand to know their hearts as well.

I don't need to keep my surface calm. Because God knows my pain.
I don't need to struggle underwater. Because God knows my fear and weakness.
I don't need to worry about the future. Because God knows my heart's desires.
I don't need to mourn over my losses alone. Because God knows the depth of my heart.
I don't need to be afraid of the unknown. Because God knows what I do not.
I don't need to be concerned with my loves. Because God loves them more than I do.

It's not always pretty. It's not always what I think is best. It's not always the way I would have done it. But God KNOWS. Not only that but HE CARES. Enough to call me by name. I pray for full obedience to a knowing and loving God.

One Year RADICAL Experiment

I just finished reading this awesome book. It's called "Radical" by David Platt. Pretty amazing. He makes amazing points and backs it up with scripture. In the book he talks about many things (most are hard to swallow and own up to) and then at the end he gives out a challenge to commit to a year of living radically. So for year I have committed to the following things:

1) Pray for the entire world
I know this sounds cliche. I mean, of course we pray for and think about the whole world, but do we really? I don't. I want to. I plan to. But I never DO. In Matthew 9 Jesus tells his disciples to pray for people to be sent to spread the Word. I don't want to randomly send up words for world peace and think I have done my duty. I want to fervently pray for specific needs all over the country and globe and I want pressing needs to be placed on my heart for people (maybe myself) that will be mobilized to venture out across the waters to places that are not safe and not yet reached.

2) Read through the entire word
This is something I have never done. Frankly, I have never ever been a fan of the "read the Bible in a year" fan club. I always thought it was ridiculous and not heart-felt at all. It seemed like another mundane task instead of soaking up God's Word. But you can't pick and choose Words of Life that are God-breathed. You can't say, "Oh, I can tell you what God said about loving others and being kind to each other, but I thought the whole 'Fear Me' thing was a bit redundant in the Old Testament, so I can't recall a lot." I want to search and discover what God designed from the start of life, not just the warm, fuzzy pieces that I choose. I have really been thinking about this one since January when one of my friends decided to read the Bible in a Year. I wasn't in agreement, but it made me start to rethink my judgement. In 2 Timothy it tells us that the Word is able to equip, protect and a whole bunch of stuff. I think I should give His Words a little more thought.

3) Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose
Whew. This is a tough one. I feel, like most true Americans, that I never have enough. Even when I know I am totally blessed. Never have I made a sacrifice that is monetary and completely on faith. But isn't all that I have ever received a gift from God? Something that has never belonged to me? A lot of roadblock I build up in this area is the ridicule and 'she's out of her mind' looks and lectures that have come from past experiences of talk or action of "reckless giving". One should look after themselves first right? Make sure that they have a good savings to fall on. Money for retirement. All of that. I hear it constantly. And it isn't that I don't understand. Or even agree on some comfort level. But I know I was not designed to build up worldly treasures for myself or my loved ones. So despite my fears I want to step out radically in this department. I have so much. I not only have to sacrifice the things of comfort and safety that I want or feel I need, but I also have to lay my finances in God's capable hands. I have debt that I need to take care of so I can give MORE. Sadly this will probably be one of the hardest of the five tasks this year. I pray that God will guide my decisions and that I won't be led astray by the scoffers or worriers. In Matthew 6 it says that where my treasure is, there my heart will also be.

4) Spend my time in another context
The great send-off, great go-getter, great "get your butt up and movin" speech in Matthew says to go into alll corners of the world. So for one week I am going to spend my time out of my comfort zone. I am going to use my talent in a foreign land. This could lead to a life committment, a yearly venture or open doors to other opportunities. I have no idea. I just know that I need to go. That I need to see. That I need to be there in person to let someone across the globe know that God loves them and I want to tell them in person because it matters so much that they hear. It's not only a pull of my heart for some time, but a command ( NOT OPTION) that God gives me so that all the world will hear.

5) Commit my life to a multiplying community
This might be the second hardest. I need to look around me and realize that the place I live is full of need. The community I drive around in daily needs to know that God loves them and there is a Savior just as much as the African tribe in the jungle or the orphanage in Russia. The children I teach need to know that there is someone that is stable, commanding, loving, everlasting, who keeps His promises over and over, who is firm, who forgives and who saves. I have sadly WASTED two years in a place where I could have been proclaiming His name and instead was loving mediocrity between this world and what I have been created for. I have been lukewarm. I have been half alive. What an insult to the One who desperately loves me and gave His life for me.

So I want to be radical. I want to be different. I'm not sure the details of what that looks like. But I know I am promised persecution. I know I am promised mockery and hatred and rejection. I know I am also promised life in abundance and a reward that is far greater than I can imagine.

In the Bible there is a verse that says, "Do not be afraid of those that can kill the body but not the soul. Rather be afraid of the One that can destroy both body and soul." Matthew 10:28

The worst the world can do is kill me.