Single Blessings

So, it's a topic I try to not talk about a lot. For many different reasons. Mainly because it really does no good to talk about the things we don't have. Every now and then though I feel a tug on my heart and it reminds me.

I'm talking about being single. About being allowed the opportunity to accomplish things I could never accomplish for God if I had a spouse. But also the heartache that sometimes tries to penetrate from being alone.

If you are going to offer scripture or words that will remind me how blessed I am to be single, I appreciate it. I have heard it already. And I know you mean well, but no thanks. At the same time, I also don't need to hear about how God has someone special for me in the future and if you were single or a male you would have already asked me out. I think that is sweet and creepy at the same time and is just not necessary. I know all these things.

I'm simply sharing my thoughts. Because that is what a blog is created to be used for. Yes, I ended my sentence with 'for'.

Our school received some unsettling news today concerning one of our students. She decided to leave the school and a place of safety and love. Sometimes the burden of carrying that heartache is too great. And it is in these moments that I feel really alone.

I know most girls (myself included) over-fantasize what a relationship will look like. What her husband will be in the relationship and how fights will never happen and birds sing as soon as the alarm goes off. Dinner is never burned and the husband is always satisfied. This is not reality and I know that. I also have been able to be a witness to several couples who have shown a Godly relationship in their marriage. It is these examples that I cherish and cannot wait for in my marriage. One of these things is simply conversation.

I felt alone today because I wanted to share my heartache with my husband. It was an emptiness I cannot explain. I cannot explain how the ache was specifically for him either. It just was. It was not enough to tell a friend or a co-worker. It was a burden that I wanted to release to my husband just as I wanted hear about his day as well.

Some of you may think I am crazy. Maybe I am. All I know is that in those moments when I want to turn and talk to my spouse (who doesn't exist) I have learned to talk to God. At first I didn't understand it myself. I just started talking to God and let Him know that for some reason I was feeling this loneliness and ache. I asked Him if I could just talk to Him until His peace overcame me. From then on its been kind of our thing. I feel the ache, I give it to Him. Not only do I feel strongly connected to God, but I also know He is shaping me to be ready for the time that I might have an earthly husband.

It's really refreshing. Still hard. Still aches. But refreshing. In October I promised a year to God without seeking a relationship. It's already been interesting and harder than I thought in ways I didn't think about. But God is stretching me, teaching me and giving me true peace.