God is my teacher

Repetition is supposed to be a good thing.  All my life I have heard this.  In my math class alone, my big case for nightly homework is that the repetition of the problems will advance you.  You will become more skilled. You will be able to be faster at math solving.  There are countless other examples where repetition is needed to succeed or become better at something. 

And yet we still gripe.  Even after we have mastered the two step inequality with our eyes closed. Even when it comes with an ease and we get excited because we know how. And maybe gripe isn't the right word. But I have heard my students say countless times, "This again?! We have already learned this, what is the purpose?"

But they haven't learned it. It looks familiar.  It looks like the same thing.  Positive and negative integers. Done that.  Oh on a number line? No problem. In an inequality? Ms. Gray, please, this is boring. Wait, why is there an extra number? Which inverse operation do I do now? Why is this not a simple one-step inequality??? WHAT IS GOING ON????

And I teach them. I refresh their memory of what we have just learned. I tell them they are ready for the two step problems.  I walk them through it.  We go slow at first.  I step back and let them answer soon enough.  It isn't always the right answer at first.  I might even get frustrated. In my head sometimes I think, "It's right there. I laid it all out for you. It's so simple. Just do it, come on, you can. Find the numbers, see the process."  But I don't. I go over it again. Some get it quickly. They are able to work independently. Some still can't see. Some need different methods of getting the information down pat.  I give all of them repetitive practice for homework.

God is so much more patient with me.  He is so much more endearing.  He is so much more powerful.  I become comfortable. He nudges me. He reminds me of His goodness. He tells me that I am ready to handle more.  He is not done with me. He provides His holy Word to walk me through it. It is painstaking at first.  Almost like a foreign language.  I don't understand completely, but some phrases sound familiar.  He clears room to let me go with my choices.  I don't always choose wisely.  I hold onto bitterness. I show jealousy.  I show contempt.  He loves me and sometimes corrects me back.  Sometimes I get it quickly.  Sometimes, I will be forever surrendering.  Sometimes I try new things.  Sometimes those things are scary.  Sometimes they are humbling.  They are always rewarding. 

God, thank you for being an amazing teacher. Guide me in all that You do.

You Are Worth It

Crazy the the ups and downs we experience.  I look back over the last two weeks and I have been just ridiculous in my annoying smiling and laughter.  Some times are just good like that.  I mean, who wouldn't be on cloud nine after a first time perfect experience of a Valentine who God designed for you? Or a surprise proposal that ended in tender whispers in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant? How about a phenomenal trip with the love of your life? A week where the students seem to be on a good pace of learning and just plain enjoyment? A Friday night that includes crazy videos, hilarious skits, too much pizza, just enough ice cream, and an amazing chat about who God is and how He loves with your very much beloved middle school girls? A time to sit and talk with a missed friend, roomate, sister? Worship one on one with a Father that created me to have a relationship with not only Him, but His children?  This has been my high.  My up.  I am beyond blessed and so amazed at the hand of God.

God doesn't always promise the ups though.  In fact, as my principal pointed out in devotion this morning, He asks us to endure hardship.  There are fights to be fought.  Races to be run.  Strength to draw from, meaning there are times of weakness. 

So as I am sitting here drained on a rainy Monday afternoon, I am not so shocked by the lows, but in a sense of complete brokeness in the face of the only God who can restore.  Starting last night I have felt the burden just a little heavier.  Pain for my students, hurt for my friends, a heaviness for the ones who just don't know the love of Christ.  It is almost unbearable.  It is almost a sense of hopelessness.  The thoughts are relentless of all the injustice, all of the misconceptions, all of the misguidance.  The end seems so far and out of reach.  The desperate need for the saturation of the Holy Spirit is overwhelming. 

There is nothing else to do. Nothing but to fall on my face. Not as an act or show. Not as a ritual or timed maneuver.  But as a pure desperate act of faith and trust. It was what I was created for.  To fall at my Father's feet and surrender the fears and pain so that He can take over and be the strength in my weakness. So that His glory can be shown and given full credit.  Because He is worth it.
This song by rita Springer is AMAZING.  And so right.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVmR0jV52A

I'm ENGAGED!!!

Well, the title pretty much sums it up.  I'M ENGAGED!!! I don't think I could really put enough exlamation points behind that to justly explain how I feel. I am on cloud infinity. I am over the moon and then again.  Basically, I am trying to tell you that I am HAPPY.  You know that contagious sickness that you see people with and try to avoid? You know the type.  You can sense this sweet, sticky sunshine before you even turn around. Then as you slowly turn your head, there is a brilliance of light that is radiating from the person's aura.  It is blinding.  Whatever mouth situation they have going on, it doesn't matter because the joy that sings out of their skin diverts any scary dental nightmare.  Their eyes are like deep whirlpools of candylands, waterparks and any favorite summer delight you treasured and thought was lost as a kid.  It is mesmerizing.  The happiness that oozes from them is intriguing. You want to, but you don't. You want to, but something holds you back.  Maybe it is the sensible side of you that realizes if you entertain this person, their story -o- happiness will be on replay as you stuff your pillow over your face that night.  The air is lighter around them.  If you don't blink, you will see a recreation of Snow White's enchanted living complete with singing birds that do dishes.  They gush about their newfound love.  Whether it be person, job, house, child, etc. And then whatever they are happy about, they insist you find it too.  All the rest of us know to let this person calm down. 

PS- I am this person.  And I am not calming down.

There Will Be Days Like This...

The song that is running around in my mind right now is that old song that goes, "Momma said there would be days like this, there'd be days like this my momma said."  I have already cried, lost my temper, and thought of many different things I would rather be doing than being lashed out at by a student.  I don't like this feeling of losing control. It's been a little crazy today.  And somedays are like that. 
In this moment of detachment to restore a sense of self,  I hold in a very clingy, fetal fashion to my God.  Mainly because He is the only One who is going to restore me to sanity for another day.  He is the only One who can tell me that it is not based on my feelings that I took this job or love these kids.  It is the calling that He has placed on my life to be at this opportunity at this time to carry out His works and pass down His love and promises to children who don't know. 
I just wanted to take a break to type that out.  To remind myself when the next day comes.  Right now I need to meet individually with the students God has given me to care for in a loving way.  I need to see what I can do to be better at what I do.  I need to reorganize my thoughts.  I need to give them a plan so they don't feel so threatened by chaos.  I also need to tell some of them to get over themselves.  Much like I was told when I thought everyone was out to get me.
I love these kids.  I love these kids.  I truly love these kids.  Even on the days like this.   

Do You Like Green Eggs and Ham?

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Come my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord." Psalm 34:8-11

I never used to be the one who would jump at the chance to try new types of food.  Once I found something I liked, I stuck to it.  Name a restaurant.  I can tell exactly ONE food from there because I always get the same thing.  My mom used to complain because I refused to eat foods with certain items in them.  Nothing could have peppers, onions, brussel sprouts, anything looking funny or discolored. 

For some reason college opened up my adventure sense in the food department.  I started to like and try EVERYTHING.  Except for brussel sprouts.  It is unnatural.  And you are wrong if you like them.  End of story.  I got to the point where I enjoyed trying new things.  It wasn't a big deal if I didn't like it.  It was simply the adventure of seeing if it was worth it or not.  If college didn't push my boundaries, my trip to Hong Kong definitely did.  I can't even name some of the things we tried.  I do have pictures though...

Everytime I found something good or delicious I had to share it.  I got almost everyone addicted to warm little egg custard pastries at the Hong Kong market and it is a personal pledge to have my loved ones share my love for sushi before I die.  "Here, try it.  It is delicious.  It will change your life for real.  You will never eat the same.  Amazing right?"

Sadly, sometimes I am more interested in my family digging my version of Shrimp Pesto Pasta than of sharing my enthusiastic (or I guess NON-enthusiastic) relationship with Christ.  Because shouldn't I be pushing Christ like the best thing ever???? BECAUSE ISN'T HE????!!!!! Of course He is.  I love this Psalm because it reminds me to be humble before my King.  It reminds me to be reverant and fearful before the Lord Almighty.  But it also reminds me to seek after Him and show Him off with passion.  To run down hallways, streets and any other possible avenue screaming at the top of my lungs: "TASTE AND SEE!!!! He is sooooo good! Just try Him.  Just trust Him!  He will change your life. PROMISE!!!"

Lady of Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

I am still learning to be a Lady of Faith.  In all areas of my life I am learning to understand what it means to wait patiently.  To be still.  To be silent.  It has been a long road but the reapings of sitting in the silence of God are starting to show.

It has definately been a lot of give and take.  What I mean by that is that I have on numerous occasions given myself, my time, my hopes, my dreams to God and have told Him to do as He would see fit.  And then in a couple hours I took them all back.  Not much of a partnership.  Not much of a surrender.  Not much faith required.

When it comes to being single I have been a very jaded "Indian giver".  Excuse my lack of political correctness.  Since it is a personal blog you can let it slide.  I posted in October how I had made the promise to God to not seek out a relationship.  It was a pretty big commitment.  It was truly heartfelt.  It was a surrender I had been trying to dedicate for many years.  No more Indian giving for me.  I gave and for the first time, didn't try to get it back.  I praise God for loving me to be able to do that.  For healing me to be able to do that.  For teaching me to be able to do that.  For placing Godly men and women in my life to demonstrate how to do that.

It is three months later and God has given me a man after His own heart.  What is really neat is that we did not seek each other out.  It is not an accident encounter or an orchestrated, manipulated, desparate attempt at a feeble relationship.  It is the work of an Amazing God.  His hand is upon our relationship.  Guiding it.  Molding it.  Surrounding it.  What seems like just three weeks feels like years.  What felt awkward and one sided from previous relationships feels even, fitted and home with us. 

Still in my head sometimes are scars from past relationships.  Still are whispers of deceit and beckonings of brokeness.  For just a moment I allow the failure of my Indian giving concepts to overtake me and fear to grip me.  But part of being a Lady of Faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for and CERTAIN of what we DO NOT SEE.  It may take a minute to be still to hear God's whisper of love and promise.  But it is strong and true.  And TRUTH will always win.  So I take a deep breath. I surround myself with scripture, prayer, and yes, the texts of my love that assure me that he gets me and is praying as well.  I stand firm in the truth that God is the head of this relationship.  That my love follows Christ and is honest in his commitments.  That I don't need to steer or direct something that God is capable of orchestrating by Himself.  That the lies are simply that: lies.  That my love is my love and I am his.  And we are God's.  That I am human and that is all the more reason to practice my faith and study God's word.

Be Prepared

Ahhhh! I cannot contain my joy for God.  It is ridiculous.  I just wanted to share what God has shown me this morning.  Have you ever just sought out God in scripture???? I mean, hopefully you have.  If you haven't you need to try it.  I know that in my own personal walk I am ashamed that I have read scripture just because it was the motion that was necessary to say I had a "devotion".  I would wake up and read the next section of a book of the Bible and close the Bible and think, 'Good job Jenn.  You read some of God's Word.  Check it off, and go live your day for random purposes.'

Crazy way to read the Bible, I know.  The times I have gone through the motions of religion instead of seeking out a relationship with Jesus is embarassing and shameful.  The times I have justified my Christianity with a check off list of reading scripture and sending up a formula prayer breaks my heart.  That confession alone is so sad to me. 

Thank you Jesus that You continue to call after me until I get little moments of "Yes, Lord, I desperately seek after You because I desperately need You! This is real.  YOU ARE REAL."

Anyway, this morning I was reading in Jeremiah where God answers Jeremiah's plea for knowing when the desolation will end.  Basically God says, "If you can't handle yourself in this little storm, what will you do when the hurricane hits?"  It really struck me.  I felt the need to be really prepared. To really seek out what God says about being prepared.  I don't want to try to hold my head above water in the murky times and then be at a total lost when the crashing waves start to toss me around.  I want to know who my God is with certainty and security.  I want to be prepared.

So God led me to some amazing truth in 2 Timothy.  A book that until now has just been that little thin one with a bunch of other thin ones toward the end of the New Testament.  Oh God you are soooo good.

"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction." - 2 Timothy 4:2

Lord I want to constantly be in preparation for You.  So that when life gets tougher than I can imagine You are the Rock I cling to with hope and security.  I want to be prepared so that I can shout out Your goodness and love to anyone who will hear.  I want to be prepared so I can show Your traits with courage and strength. 

I love You Lord.  So much.

I Have Found All That I Want

Spirit, fall fresh on me, Spirit fall fresh on me,
Hear my cry, fill my life, I won't need anything but You

I found all that I want, all that I longed for in You
I found all that I want, all that I longed for in You
Wasted time is when I'm far from Your truth
I've found all that I want, all that I long for in You

Spirit come be my joy, Spirit come be my joy
Be my song, fill my lungs, I won't need anything but you - Switchfoot

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again. God is good. He is soooooo good. GOD IS GOOD!  Lately I have been thinking about His goodness. In my pain, He is good.  In my struggles, he is good.  In my weakness, He is good.  In my doubt, He is good.  In my joy, He is good.  In my faith, He is good.  In my blessings, He is good.  He really is good all the time.  So of course... all the time... He is good.

That's pretty much it.  Lol.  That's right. I just lol-ed this blog.  Because I really am laughing out loud at how good God is.  It's just that simple.  I can cry, throw a fit, be dramatic, blow things out of proportion and whine.  Or I can tell about how good God is and continues to be. 

GOD IS GOOD.

Be Near Oh God

A lie is a lie is a lie is a lie. And just the same: a truth is a truth is a truth is a... well, you get the picture.  I am finding more and more how important scripture is to memorize and store in your heart.  Not only because actual scripture tells us to do so (Psalm 119:11), but because it draws me closer to God.  I have realized lately that I desperately need God.  I desire to be closer to Him.  I want to find out what He desires of me (Micah 6:8) and do it well.  I love this journey.  It has been amazing.  I did something today that I didn't realize was so heavy. I forgave myself for some past decisions.  I was sitting in my classroom just soaking up some good worship time with God and just broke for the things I have been holding on to inside of me.  I guess I have been storing them up so I can take out the guilt and the bitterness and the brokeness for future pity parties.  It was so freeing.  To submit to God.  To surrender.  So tonight when lies from the past started to creep up on me I decided to go to scripture. 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4: 7-8

The part that really stuck with me is to come near to God.  I just sat in silence and whispered over and over again lyrics from a Shane and Shane song. "Be near, oh God, be near, oh God of us, Your nearness is to us our good."  That promise that if I come to God, pray to God, worship God, seek out God, ask God, spend time with God, then He will draw near to me.  That is truth.  And likewise, if I resist the devil, the promise is that he will flee from me.  How do I resist the devil? I acknowledge his lies for what they are, lies.  Then I submit to God fully and just simply draw near to Him with scripture, worship, prayer. 

The freeing is amazing.  I am telling the truth when I say that as I was seeking out God I felt His presence.  My chest got lighter. There was a deep calming.  A unbelievable peace that truly passes understanding.  You see when truth is revealed and believed there is a serenity.  There is a joy.  There is a release.  There is truth, plain and simple.  Only God can do that. 

Submission at its Best

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:19-21

Oh sweet submission. Everyone loves the opportunity.  I was reading this passage this morning and I really like several things:

One: I love verse 19 because it really gives me an excuse to burst into random song whenever I feel like.  Life really can be a musical.  And now I have my backing.  So the next time you ask me what I am doing and I burst into song to answer you, don't give me that look. It is in the Bible.  What is really interesting is that it says to speak with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs.  All lyrics and words that seek after God, praise God, turn to God, lift up God's name, burden God and trust Him.  Pretty cool that we should be speaking to another in such a way.  Also the "sing and make music in your heart to the Lord" part is pretty awesome.  If there is always a song or constant beginnings of one in my heart that is specifically for God, where would there be room for lies, doubts, and fear???  Because God is not a God of any of those.  Kind of ties in with Proverbs 4:23.  I definately want my wellspring to be more life-giving.

Two: If I am speaking to others with everything that seeks, praises, turns to God and I am also beginning and continuing music in my heart that belongs to God then naturally I can always thank God. For something. Anything. Everything.  Even in those times where things seem horrible and cold.  I can still be thankful.  I know that practicing verse 19 daily allows me to commit to a Savior and thank Him daily as well.  It's not like everyday someone dies for your sins.  It happened once and the power of His blood should not go unnoticed.

Three: If I follow God's Word (His Word that is Living and Active to this very day) and make it a purpose (instead of a feeling because those are fleeting) to carry out 19 and 20 of Ephesians 5, then what more can I casually and freely do but surrender? To submit? To put someone else's needs above my own?  And not for something in return.  But because I have a desire to follow in my Master's footsteps and bring life and love to the people around me.

So Blessed

Just a quick post to say that I am blessed. Right now I have three crazy girls 8,11, and 11 that are searching downstairs for junk food to finish our movie/girl night.  We have danced to music, played in the dark outside, painted nails, played games and laughed. A lot.  The night is not over.  I still have to plan surprise antics to do when they are asleep (think shaving cream on the nose). I still have great talk time left with my former roomie Brit who is helping me with this girls night.  But right now I need to go downstairs and surprise scare the girls that are unsuspecting in the kitchen.  Again, I am so blessed! There is a God.  The One and Only God.  Thank You God for Your many blessings.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas...

I love Christmas music. All kinds. But my favorite is the rat pack with Judy Garland and Ella Fitzgerald thrown in for good measure. There is something about their voices combined with amazing piano and trumpet skills that sets the mood for Christmas for me.

In fact right now I am listening to some old soul sing "Its Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" and I nod absentmindedly as I am wrapping presents. I realize that I have fallen into the trap of what Christmas should look like. It's that time of year when more people than you would think possible put God in a box. But this time it is colorfully wrapped and has an obnoxious (useless) shiny bow.

I am not saying that I am not guilty of the thought process. I am simply pondering in my delirious state of post-psycho shopping mind. Should we not be making a conscious effort 365 days of the year to remember the birth of our Savior? Should we not constantly be dropping in extra donations and blessings and sacrificing gifts for those less fortunate? Should we not constantly be holding hushed and reverent worship sessions where we take silent time out for a God that took the form of a man and walked this Earth, only to go through a gruesome sacrifice blamelessly and rise from the dead? Should we not be celebrating and treating everyday as if it were Christmas?

Sadly, we don't really put the two together anymore. It is more segregated into Christmas the holiday and the day Jesus was born. And the reaction I see in myself is humbling and shaming in itself. I don't need to pull from my rightgeous anger at ungrateful attitudes. I simply need to CONSTANTLY seek out the Lord with all my hearrt and soul and mind. I need to constantly find areas of my life I need to surrender so that I can be less and He can be more.

Single Blessings

So, it's a topic I try to not talk about a lot. For many different reasons. Mainly because it really does no good to talk about the things we don't have. Every now and then though I feel a tug on my heart and it reminds me.

I'm talking about being single. About being allowed the opportunity to accomplish things I could never accomplish for God if I had a spouse. But also the heartache that sometimes tries to penetrate from being alone.

If you are going to offer scripture or words that will remind me how blessed I am to be single, I appreciate it. I have heard it already. And I know you mean well, but no thanks. At the same time, I also don't need to hear about how God has someone special for me in the future and if you were single or a male you would have already asked me out. I think that is sweet and creepy at the same time and is just not necessary. I know all these things.

I'm simply sharing my thoughts. Because that is what a blog is created to be used for. Yes, I ended my sentence with 'for'.

Our school received some unsettling news today concerning one of our students. She decided to leave the school and a place of safety and love. Sometimes the burden of carrying that heartache is too great. And it is in these moments that I feel really alone.

I know most girls (myself included) over-fantasize what a relationship will look like. What her husband will be in the relationship and how fights will never happen and birds sing as soon as the alarm goes off. Dinner is never burned and the husband is always satisfied. This is not reality and I know that. I also have been able to be a witness to several couples who have shown a Godly relationship in their marriage. It is these examples that I cherish and cannot wait for in my marriage. One of these things is simply conversation.

I felt alone today because I wanted to share my heartache with my husband. It was an emptiness I cannot explain. I cannot explain how the ache was specifically for him either. It just was. It was not enough to tell a friend or a co-worker. It was a burden that I wanted to release to my husband just as I wanted hear about his day as well.

Some of you may think I am crazy. Maybe I am. All I know is that in those moments when I want to turn and talk to my spouse (who doesn't exist) I have learned to talk to God. At first I didn't understand it myself. I just started talking to God and let Him know that for some reason I was feeling this loneliness and ache. I asked Him if I could just talk to Him until His peace overcame me. From then on its been kind of our thing. I feel the ache, I give it to Him. Not only do I feel strongly connected to God, but I also know He is shaping me to be ready for the time that I might have an earthly husband.

It's really refreshing. Still hard. Still aches. But refreshing. In October I promised a year to God without seeking a relationship. It's already been interesting and harder than I thought in ways I didn't think about. But God is stretching me, teaching me and giving me true peace.

New Every Morning

His mercies are new every morning. Seriously. They really are. Kind of crazy when we take that for granted. I know I do. A lot. In my profession I really can't afford to keep taking it for granted. I need (desperately) His mercies to be new every morning. In fact, I often believe the verse should read that His mercies are new every second. Not that I am trying to change the Holy Bible...

Being a teacher can be exhausting. There are a lot of demands, a lot of hopes, a lot of idealistic expectations, a lot of people looking up to you to lead. I come home a lot of days with mixed feelings of frustration, hope, redemption and shock when it comes to my students. I used to always think, "Whew! Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning for THEM!"

However, I am starting to realize a few things. As I look back over my day I note some things that I am ashamed as a teacher that I committed.
1) I decided sleep was more important than time with God this morning.
2) I told a student to wait to talk to me while I finished an activity I didn't need until Friday.
3) I rolled my eyes at a student's comment.
4) The amount of unending smart comments that rolled through my head all day were ridiculous.
5) I told a student we would look at a video he wanted to show me at another time knowing that I was hoping he would forget.
6) I handled classroom management without prayer or petition most of the time and took matters into my own hands. (this NEVER works out right)
7) I got frustrated with a house parent and took it out on my students.

These might seem minor to you. But they are the building blocks of something bigger. Some days my list is shorter. Some days my list is longer. It is not my goal to keep up with the length of the list. It is my goal to ask for forgiveness. To ask for a way to be more like Christ. To ask for guidance and strength. I strive to remember that He gives new mercies every day. And I am soooo thankful for that.

Much Needed Rest.

Trying to keep my life together involves a lot of planning for rest. Especially as I sit here coughing up my annual lung. I absolutely love the fall and winter time but it also brings on the deep chest cold coupled with the headache cough. It was so easy when I was younger. I woke up sick and my parents would let me stay home so that I could rest. It was fabulous. I remember lying on the couch and watching t.v. all day. My dad would check in on me throughout the day and while I was in and out of sleep I felt my mom's hand on my forehead checking for fever. Sure I downed the dreaded syrup and pills, but the best thing was really the rest.
It's funny how I have gotten older and feel like rest is the last thing I can sacrifice. There are so many things to do! I don't want to be an incovenience by asking for a substitute. I don't want to be rude by refusing time or cancelling plans with a friend. I don't want to miss out on a conversation or opportunity. I don't want to put off simple tasks like dishes, grading papers, or vacuuming (even though I am not on top of those things under normal circumstances).
But lately I have been reminded ever so gently that rest is necessary. That it is not rude to tell someone I need to cancel so I can rest. That sometimes that day of rest and doing nothing will help me out more than I know. I cannot afford to sacrifice rest. Everything else will eventually start to suffer if I am running on partial fuel or not at my best. The best example I cannot get out of my mind is a story that a speaker told at a convention I recently attended.
Professor: What day of the week do you take off for rest?
Young Pastor: Well, I used to take off Saturdays, but I needed to use that day to prepare.
Professor: So not Saturday or Sunday. When?
Young Pastor: Well, then I was going to take off Mondays, but everyone really needs me and asks for my help after service.
Professor: Ok. So not Mondays either. When?
Young Pastor: Well, you know, the devil never rests.
Professor: Oh. I see. I didn't know he was your example to live by.
(taken from lead speaker at ACSI conference; Phil Tuttle)

I sometimes act like the devil is my example to live by. If that is the case, I am failing my students, my friends, and myself. I want to live as Christ lives. And even Jesus got away from everyone now and then. God gives us an example of rest. And how it is necessary.

RENEWED

There is something to say about new beginnings. You know those moments where you have a fresh start? Where it is as if the slate is clean? Funny thing about those moments. I usually just pretend that the slate is clean. I tell myself that since I am in a new environment, a new moment, a new surrounding, that I can just be something new that I create myself. I can put on this great front and say that I have truly forgiven myself. I can say that I am stronger. I can say that I wasn't hurt or damaged for the long run. I can say that I am good, and right, and ok with the world and I have everything under control.

Except I am not honest with myself.

See, the thing that is wrong with that passage is that there are a lot of "I"s in there. A lot of me. Not a lot of Christ. And that has been my ploy for many years. It's not that I didn't believe. But I believed under my conditions. I believed to the extent that I thought I was capable. Look, there I go with the "I" thing again.

The Bible says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His perfect and pleasing will." Romans 12:2

I never noticed the word "pattern" before. The scripture doesn't just say to not be like the world, but do not be like the "pattern" of this world.

It's that sick cycle. That generational curse. That feeling of "everybody is doing it". The thought process of "I'm just having a bad day. I will be better tomorrow."

God's will for me is to be like Him. God's will for me is for there to be no "I". So that when I step into a new situation I can truly believe and say that God has truly forgiven, He has made stronger, He has healed the broken and damaged, God is good and right and has everything under control.

Second New Year...

Who is this gal??

She is confident in her Lord Jesus.

She believes in second chances (and sometimes thirds and fourths...)

She knows that she knows that she knows that God loves her.

She knows she is a masterpiece in a working progress.

She is on her way to Africa.

She is called to serve.

She is created in His image.

She is exhausted but truly filled with His joy.

She hasn't felt this alive since two years ago.

She is addicted to steamed edamame.

She has amazing friends.

She herself hasn't always been the amazing friend.

She is working on that.

She is getting her life and finances in order ONLY by the grace of God.

She is a child of God.

She is going back to working out in the mornings.

She is a Daniel, and a Sarah, and a Ruth but also a Naomi.

She is free.

50 First Dates

So this is totally random and weird and just cliche, but I am about to use a movie as an example for God's love for us.

I know everyone has marketed that area of Godly teaching. I realize there are tons of references to God through t-shirts with logos that look suspiciously like Mountain Dew, Twilight, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that there are movies and books galore with plot lines that model the plight of our world and how Jesus saves (which He does, by the way). I just look at this as my little symbolic gesture of understanding Jesus through modern pop culture... and I just thought it was cool when I was thinking about it.

I was watching 50 First Dates. It is a really good movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. As soon as it was over I did what any person without a life or a family does on a Wednesday night during the holidays: I got on facebook to let the world know how much I loved this movie. ( I have to update my life at least twice daily through facebook or it doesn't count and I will disappear from this reality... I also get mad props for using text language like "lol" in my posts...)

Anyway, the movie is about this girl that has memory issues. She was in an accident and can only remember up to a certain day and basically keeps reliving that day over and over thanks to her brother and father who keep perpetuating the illusion. The guy, Adam Sandler, basically tries to get her to fall in love with him all over every day. The reason it is such a great movie is because it appeals to both sexes. It is funny and endearing, but honestly, what girl doesn't want a guy to spend his day every day reminding her why they are in love? And what guy for that matter wouldn't jump at the opportunity to do or say stupid things knowing the girl is going to forget all the bad stuff the next morning? It is like a fresh start.

I mulled over this and then my relationship with God kind of popped in my head. So here is the big God symbolism. Although it is different in the respect that God is the man AND the woman in this plot. See, God desires me daily. Daily He is telling me that He wants me to choose Him. Yet at the same time He is able to look at me through the blood of Jesus Christ and see me new and clean, spotless. Day after day He is capable of that.

Now I know that God is amazing. That He is all-powerful. But it is still a little daunting to think that after years of abuse, neglect and indifference I show Him, that He would bother to call me His child. That He would bat an eye in my direction. That He is capable of not only healing me physically, but of healing the sin within me. That is some powerful stuff there.

So there is my quick analogy. My far-out reach with a Godly connection to raunchy comedy mixed in with a love story. In fact the Greatest Love Story ever known.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Amen

Wait For It... Wait For It...

Well hello blog world. I know it has been a few but...

Oh life. It is a lot of things. Lately it has felt very rushed, drained, pushed, shoved and basically limited in all aspects. Never is there a moment just to be still. To breathe. Until this Thanksgiving break.

The funny thing is that I create all of that. Sometimes I am fascinated by my brain. Because

1. It acts like it is on SPEED

2. It moves at a faster pace than my soul

3. It is super creative in the fact that it knows how to keep me active/busy 24/7

4. It can really only be shut down with music

You know that you need a break or something is seriously wrong with you when your body starts to have a mini-panic attack at the BEGINNING of a break or weekend because it is already counting down the hours you have left instead of enjoying the hours to come.

That is me pretty much. I go ALL THE TIME. I do ALL THE TIME. I act ALL THE TIME. I am the person that listens to the songs that talk about being still in God's presence and I cry because I desperately want that yet I start to calculate and fit a time for God into my schedule. I am the person that wakes up early to spend time with God in His Word and I try to guesstimate the time it will take to spend with God so I can get my hair dry, coffee made and stuff packed before I leave for work so I won't be later than I want to be. I am the person that sits quietly in God's presence trying to wait patiently in silence because I owe Him more than that, and five minutes in I am asking God "Are we there yet?" "I have to go to the bathroom."

Why? Am I secretly ADD? Not really. It is because this world is fast-paced. Everything is go, go, go. As an individual I create things to keep me busy. As a pleaser I constantly seek opportunities to be acknowledged. It is a sick obsession and confession but there it is.

Patience? I don't truly know the meaning of that word yet. And I sure know that you should never pray for it. Because then God would of course help you learn it. Hopefully there is a lesson on tape. So I can do something else while I am half-listening. Or maybe some cliff-notes so I can get the gist and move on...

I do love how God constantly reminds me that He wants me to slow down. He uses friends, music and most of all His Living Word. I was reading in Exodus today about the escape across the Red Sea. So fascinating. I was forcing myself to read with purpose because OF COURSE I had read this account tons of times. However, this morning I read something I never noticed before. In chapter 14 verse 14 God speaks to Moses. Everyone is freaking out because they ASSUME God has led them to their deaths. God speaks to them and says (ARE YOU READY??? CUZ THIS IS SOOO COOL!!!!), "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. wow. Now of course it doesn't mean you sit around waiting for things to happen. The very next verse God is telling Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on!" Which I find extremely funny and uplifting because although I am going constantly in my life, I tend to gravitate and GO back to the same thing before. I love that God yells at me from heaven, "Hey Jenn! Why are you stuck on that same mess? MOVE ON! GO! Don't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself!" Which I totally need like EVERY OTHER SECOND of my day.

But still I keep coming back to verse 14. How amazing. I just feel Him saying, "Jenn. I love you. I am going to do amazing things to show my glory. Believing in Me is going to be rough. Have faith. I have your back. You need only to be still. You need only to know that I am Lord. You need only to stay firm in your grounding that I have covered every inch of your sinful nature with My blood so that you could have this moment to proclaim My Name and be in My courts. You need only to trust Me because I am Your Father, Creator, Ordainer, Counselor, Protector and Redeemer."

Thanks. Thank You God. Thank You for Your living Word. Thank You for the cross. Thanks for lessons in how to "be still" and know that You are God.

I Wish I Were the Rain...

I love the rain. There is just something soothing about the sound as it falls outside. I have been one of those crazy people that go out in the rain just to soak it up. I don't mind when it rains and I am on a hike. I don't mind (or at least I can laugh about it) if it rains while I am camping. I don't get bothered by the drops as I go from place to car or car to place. I have never been one to rush to an overhang or other type of shelter. I stroll through the wet beaded curtains. Rain is glorious. It is calming. It is steady even if the pace shifts. It washes away dirt. It cools heated sidewalks. It nourishes dry fields. I am so thankful for rain. Thank you God for rain. There is a song by Shedaisy that just adequately describes the effects that rain can have:

Don't you wish that you could live outside the insane

Don't you ever wish, for a free reign

Cuz it can fall as hard as it wants to

gingerly drip down a lover's face

cry for hours and weeks on end and never

feel a bit, out of place

It can feed a field, put out a fire, and never feel the pain

I wish I were the rain...

Thank you God for rain. :)