Single Blessings

So, it's a topic I try to not talk about a lot. For many different reasons. Mainly because it really does no good to talk about the things we don't have. Every now and then though I feel a tug on my heart and it reminds me.

I'm talking about being single. About being allowed the opportunity to accomplish things I could never accomplish for God if I had a spouse. But also the heartache that sometimes tries to penetrate from being alone.

If you are going to offer scripture or words that will remind me how blessed I am to be single, I appreciate it. I have heard it already. And I know you mean well, but no thanks. At the same time, I also don't need to hear about how God has someone special for me in the future and if you were single or a male you would have already asked me out. I think that is sweet and creepy at the same time and is just not necessary. I know all these things.

I'm simply sharing my thoughts. Because that is what a blog is created to be used for. Yes, I ended my sentence with 'for'.

Our school received some unsettling news today concerning one of our students. She decided to leave the school and a place of safety and love. Sometimes the burden of carrying that heartache is too great. And it is in these moments that I feel really alone.

I know most girls (myself included) over-fantasize what a relationship will look like. What her husband will be in the relationship and how fights will never happen and birds sing as soon as the alarm goes off. Dinner is never burned and the husband is always satisfied. This is not reality and I know that. I also have been able to be a witness to several couples who have shown a Godly relationship in their marriage. It is these examples that I cherish and cannot wait for in my marriage. One of these things is simply conversation.

I felt alone today because I wanted to share my heartache with my husband. It was an emptiness I cannot explain. I cannot explain how the ache was specifically for him either. It just was. It was not enough to tell a friend or a co-worker. It was a burden that I wanted to release to my husband just as I wanted hear about his day as well.

Some of you may think I am crazy. Maybe I am. All I know is that in those moments when I want to turn and talk to my spouse (who doesn't exist) I have learned to talk to God. At first I didn't understand it myself. I just started talking to God and let Him know that for some reason I was feeling this loneliness and ache. I asked Him if I could just talk to Him until His peace overcame me. From then on its been kind of our thing. I feel the ache, I give it to Him. Not only do I feel strongly connected to God, but I also know He is shaping me to be ready for the time that I might have an earthly husband.

It's really refreshing. Still hard. Still aches. But refreshing. In October I promised a year to God without seeking a relationship. It's already been interesting and harder than I thought in ways I didn't think about. But God is stretching me, teaching me and giving me true peace.

New Every Morning

His mercies are new every morning. Seriously. They really are. Kind of crazy when we take that for granted. I know I do. A lot. In my profession I really can't afford to keep taking it for granted. I need (desperately) His mercies to be new every morning. In fact, I often believe the verse should read that His mercies are new every second. Not that I am trying to change the Holy Bible...

Being a teacher can be exhausting. There are a lot of demands, a lot of hopes, a lot of idealistic expectations, a lot of people looking up to you to lead. I come home a lot of days with mixed feelings of frustration, hope, redemption and shock when it comes to my students. I used to always think, "Whew! Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning for THEM!"

However, I am starting to realize a few things. As I look back over my day I note some things that I am ashamed as a teacher that I committed.
1) I decided sleep was more important than time with God this morning.
2) I told a student to wait to talk to me while I finished an activity I didn't need until Friday.
3) I rolled my eyes at a student's comment.
4) The amount of unending smart comments that rolled through my head all day were ridiculous.
5) I told a student we would look at a video he wanted to show me at another time knowing that I was hoping he would forget.
6) I handled classroom management without prayer or petition most of the time and took matters into my own hands. (this NEVER works out right)
7) I got frustrated with a house parent and took it out on my students.

These might seem minor to you. But they are the building blocks of something bigger. Some days my list is shorter. Some days my list is longer. It is not my goal to keep up with the length of the list. It is my goal to ask for forgiveness. To ask for a way to be more like Christ. To ask for guidance and strength. I strive to remember that He gives new mercies every day. And I am soooo thankful for that.

Much Needed Rest.

Trying to keep my life together involves a lot of planning for rest. Especially as I sit here coughing up my annual lung. I absolutely love the fall and winter time but it also brings on the deep chest cold coupled with the headache cough. It was so easy when I was younger. I woke up sick and my parents would let me stay home so that I could rest. It was fabulous. I remember lying on the couch and watching t.v. all day. My dad would check in on me throughout the day and while I was in and out of sleep I felt my mom's hand on my forehead checking for fever. Sure I downed the dreaded syrup and pills, but the best thing was really the rest.
It's funny how I have gotten older and feel like rest is the last thing I can sacrifice. There are so many things to do! I don't want to be an incovenience by asking for a substitute. I don't want to be rude by refusing time or cancelling plans with a friend. I don't want to miss out on a conversation or opportunity. I don't want to put off simple tasks like dishes, grading papers, or vacuuming (even though I am not on top of those things under normal circumstances).
But lately I have been reminded ever so gently that rest is necessary. That it is not rude to tell someone I need to cancel so I can rest. That sometimes that day of rest and doing nothing will help me out more than I know. I cannot afford to sacrifice rest. Everything else will eventually start to suffer if I am running on partial fuel or not at my best. The best example I cannot get out of my mind is a story that a speaker told at a convention I recently attended.
Professor: What day of the week do you take off for rest?
Young Pastor: Well, I used to take off Saturdays, but I needed to use that day to prepare.
Professor: So not Saturday or Sunday. When?
Young Pastor: Well, then I was going to take off Mondays, but everyone really needs me and asks for my help after service.
Professor: Ok. So not Mondays either. When?
Young Pastor: Well, you know, the devil never rests.
Professor: Oh. I see. I didn't know he was your example to live by.
(taken from lead speaker at ACSI conference; Phil Tuttle)

I sometimes act like the devil is my example to live by. If that is the case, I am failing my students, my friends, and myself. I want to live as Christ lives. And even Jesus got away from everyone now and then. God gives us an example of rest. And how it is necessary.

RENEWED

There is something to say about new beginnings. You know those moments where you have a fresh start? Where it is as if the slate is clean? Funny thing about those moments. I usually just pretend that the slate is clean. I tell myself that since I am in a new environment, a new moment, a new surrounding, that I can just be something new that I create myself. I can put on this great front and say that I have truly forgiven myself. I can say that I am stronger. I can say that I wasn't hurt or damaged for the long run. I can say that I am good, and right, and ok with the world and I have everything under control.

Except I am not honest with myself.

See, the thing that is wrong with that passage is that there are a lot of "I"s in there. A lot of me. Not a lot of Christ. And that has been my ploy for many years. It's not that I didn't believe. But I believed under my conditions. I believed to the extent that I thought I was capable. Look, there I go with the "I" thing again.

The Bible says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His perfect and pleasing will." Romans 12:2

I never noticed the word "pattern" before. The scripture doesn't just say to not be like the world, but do not be like the "pattern" of this world.

It's that sick cycle. That generational curse. That feeling of "everybody is doing it". The thought process of "I'm just having a bad day. I will be better tomorrow."

God's will for me is to be like Him. God's will for me is for there to be no "I". So that when I step into a new situation I can truly believe and say that God has truly forgiven, He has made stronger, He has healed the broken and damaged, God is good and right and has everything under control.

Second New Year...

Who is this gal??

She is confident in her Lord Jesus.

She believes in second chances (and sometimes thirds and fourths...)

She knows that she knows that she knows that God loves her.

She knows she is a masterpiece in a working progress.

She is on her way to Africa.

She is called to serve.

She is created in His image.

She is exhausted but truly filled with His joy.

She hasn't felt this alive since two years ago.

She is addicted to steamed edamame.

She has amazing friends.

She herself hasn't always been the amazing friend.

She is working on that.

She is getting her life and finances in order ONLY by the grace of God.

She is a child of God.

She is going back to working out in the mornings.

She is a Daniel, and a Sarah, and a Ruth but also a Naomi.

She is free.

50 First Dates

So this is totally random and weird and just cliche, but I am about to use a movie as an example for God's love for us.

I know everyone has marketed that area of Godly teaching. I realize there are tons of references to God through t-shirts with logos that look suspiciously like Mountain Dew, Twilight, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that there are movies and books galore with plot lines that model the plight of our world and how Jesus saves (which He does, by the way). I just look at this as my little symbolic gesture of understanding Jesus through modern pop culture... and I just thought it was cool when I was thinking about it.

I was watching 50 First Dates. It is a really good movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. As soon as it was over I did what any person without a life or a family does on a Wednesday night during the holidays: I got on facebook to let the world know how much I loved this movie. ( I have to update my life at least twice daily through facebook or it doesn't count and I will disappear from this reality... I also get mad props for using text language like "lol" in my posts...)

Anyway, the movie is about this girl that has memory issues. She was in an accident and can only remember up to a certain day and basically keeps reliving that day over and over thanks to her brother and father who keep perpetuating the illusion. The guy, Adam Sandler, basically tries to get her to fall in love with him all over every day. The reason it is such a great movie is because it appeals to both sexes. It is funny and endearing, but honestly, what girl doesn't want a guy to spend his day every day reminding her why they are in love? And what guy for that matter wouldn't jump at the opportunity to do or say stupid things knowing the girl is going to forget all the bad stuff the next morning? It is like a fresh start.

I mulled over this and then my relationship with God kind of popped in my head. So here is the big God symbolism. Although it is different in the respect that God is the man AND the woman in this plot. See, God desires me daily. Daily He is telling me that He wants me to choose Him. Yet at the same time He is able to look at me through the blood of Jesus Christ and see me new and clean, spotless. Day after day He is capable of that.

Now I know that God is amazing. That He is all-powerful. But it is still a little daunting to think that after years of abuse, neglect and indifference I show Him, that He would bother to call me His child. That He would bat an eye in my direction. That He is capable of not only healing me physically, but of healing the sin within me. That is some powerful stuff there.

So there is my quick analogy. My far-out reach with a Godly connection to raunchy comedy mixed in with a love story. In fact the Greatest Love Story ever known.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Amen

Wait For It... Wait For It...

Well hello blog world. I know it has been a few but...

Oh life. It is a lot of things. Lately it has felt very rushed, drained, pushed, shoved and basically limited in all aspects. Never is there a moment just to be still. To breathe. Until this Thanksgiving break.

The funny thing is that I create all of that. Sometimes I am fascinated by my brain. Because

1. It acts like it is on SPEED

2. It moves at a faster pace than my soul

3. It is super creative in the fact that it knows how to keep me active/busy 24/7

4. It can really only be shut down with music

You know that you need a break or something is seriously wrong with you when your body starts to have a mini-panic attack at the BEGINNING of a break or weekend because it is already counting down the hours you have left instead of enjoying the hours to come.

That is me pretty much. I go ALL THE TIME. I do ALL THE TIME. I act ALL THE TIME. I am the person that listens to the songs that talk about being still in God's presence and I cry because I desperately want that yet I start to calculate and fit a time for God into my schedule. I am the person that wakes up early to spend time with God in His Word and I try to guesstimate the time it will take to spend with God so I can get my hair dry, coffee made and stuff packed before I leave for work so I won't be later than I want to be. I am the person that sits quietly in God's presence trying to wait patiently in silence because I owe Him more than that, and five minutes in I am asking God "Are we there yet?" "I have to go to the bathroom."

Why? Am I secretly ADD? Not really. It is because this world is fast-paced. Everything is go, go, go. As an individual I create things to keep me busy. As a pleaser I constantly seek opportunities to be acknowledged. It is a sick obsession and confession but there it is.

Patience? I don't truly know the meaning of that word yet. And I sure know that you should never pray for it. Because then God would of course help you learn it. Hopefully there is a lesson on tape. So I can do something else while I am half-listening. Or maybe some cliff-notes so I can get the gist and move on...

I do love how God constantly reminds me that He wants me to slow down. He uses friends, music and most of all His Living Word. I was reading in Exodus today about the escape across the Red Sea. So fascinating. I was forcing myself to read with purpose because OF COURSE I had read this account tons of times. However, this morning I read something I never noticed before. In chapter 14 verse 14 God speaks to Moses. Everyone is freaking out because they ASSUME God has led them to their deaths. God speaks to them and says (ARE YOU READY??? CUZ THIS IS SOOO COOL!!!!), "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. wow. Now of course it doesn't mean you sit around waiting for things to happen. The very next verse God is telling Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on!" Which I find extremely funny and uplifting because although I am going constantly in my life, I tend to gravitate and GO back to the same thing before. I love that God yells at me from heaven, "Hey Jenn! Why are you stuck on that same mess? MOVE ON! GO! Don't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself!" Which I totally need like EVERY OTHER SECOND of my day.

But still I keep coming back to verse 14. How amazing. I just feel Him saying, "Jenn. I love you. I am going to do amazing things to show my glory. Believing in Me is going to be rough. Have faith. I have your back. You need only to be still. You need only to know that I am Lord. You need only to stay firm in your grounding that I have covered every inch of your sinful nature with My blood so that you could have this moment to proclaim My Name and be in My courts. You need only to trust Me because I am Your Father, Creator, Ordainer, Counselor, Protector and Redeemer."

Thanks. Thank You God. Thank You for Your living Word. Thank You for the cross. Thanks for lessons in how to "be still" and know that You are God.