So Blessed

Just a quick post to say that I am blessed. Right now I have three crazy girls 8,11, and 11 that are searching downstairs for junk food to finish our movie/girl night.  We have danced to music, played in the dark outside, painted nails, played games and laughed. A lot.  The night is not over.  I still have to plan surprise antics to do when they are asleep (think shaving cream on the nose). I still have great talk time left with my former roomie Brit who is helping me with this girls night.  But right now I need to go downstairs and surprise scare the girls that are unsuspecting in the kitchen.  Again, I am so blessed! There is a God.  The One and Only God.  Thank You God for Your many blessings.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas...

I love Christmas music. All kinds. But my favorite is the rat pack with Judy Garland and Ella Fitzgerald thrown in for good measure. There is something about their voices combined with amazing piano and trumpet skills that sets the mood for Christmas for me.

In fact right now I am listening to some old soul sing "Its Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" and I nod absentmindedly as I am wrapping presents. I realize that I have fallen into the trap of what Christmas should look like. It's that time of year when more people than you would think possible put God in a box. But this time it is colorfully wrapped and has an obnoxious (useless) shiny bow.

I am not saying that I am not guilty of the thought process. I am simply pondering in my delirious state of post-psycho shopping mind. Should we not be making a conscious effort 365 days of the year to remember the birth of our Savior? Should we not constantly be dropping in extra donations and blessings and sacrificing gifts for those less fortunate? Should we not constantly be holding hushed and reverent worship sessions where we take silent time out for a God that took the form of a man and walked this Earth, only to go through a gruesome sacrifice blamelessly and rise from the dead? Should we not be celebrating and treating everyday as if it were Christmas?

Sadly, we don't really put the two together anymore. It is more segregated into Christmas the holiday and the day Jesus was born. And the reaction I see in myself is humbling and shaming in itself. I don't need to pull from my rightgeous anger at ungrateful attitudes. I simply need to CONSTANTLY seek out the Lord with all my hearrt and soul and mind. I need to constantly find areas of my life I need to surrender so that I can be less and He can be more.

Single Blessings

So, it's a topic I try to not talk about a lot. For many different reasons. Mainly because it really does no good to talk about the things we don't have. Every now and then though I feel a tug on my heart and it reminds me.

I'm talking about being single. About being allowed the opportunity to accomplish things I could never accomplish for God if I had a spouse. But also the heartache that sometimes tries to penetrate from being alone.

If you are going to offer scripture or words that will remind me how blessed I am to be single, I appreciate it. I have heard it already. And I know you mean well, but no thanks. At the same time, I also don't need to hear about how God has someone special for me in the future and if you were single or a male you would have already asked me out. I think that is sweet and creepy at the same time and is just not necessary. I know all these things.

I'm simply sharing my thoughts. Because that is what a blog is created to be used for. Yes, I ended my sentence with 'for'.

Our school received some unsettling news today concerning one of our students. She decided to leave the school and a place of safety and love. Sometimes the burden of carrying that heartache is too great. And it is in these moments that I feel really alone.

I know most girls (myself included) over-fantasize what a relationship will look like. What her husband will be in the relationship and how fights will never happen and birds sing as soon as the alarm goes off. Dinner is never burned and the husband is always satisfied. This is not reality and I know that. I also have been able to be a witness to several couples who have shown a Godly relationship in their marriage. It is these examples that I cherish and cannot wait for in my marriage. One of these things is simply conversation.

I felt alone today because I wanted to share my heartache with my husband. It was an emptiness I cannot explain. I cannot explain how the ache was specifically for him either. It just was. It was not enough to tell a friend or a co-worker. It was a burden that I wanted to release to my husband just as I wanted hear about his day as well.

Some of you may think I am crazy. Maybe I am. All I know is that in those moments when I want to turn and talk to my spouse (who doesn't exist) I have learned to talk to God. At first I didn't understand it myself. I just started talking to God and let Him know that for some reason I was feeling this loneliness and ache. I asked Him if I could just talk to Him until His peace overcame me. From then on its been kind of our thing. I feel the ache, I give it to Him. Not only do I feel strongly connected to God, but I also know He is shaping me to be ready for the time that I might have an earthly husband.

It's really refreshing. Still hard. Still aches. But refreshing. In October I promised a year to God without seeking a relationship. It's already been interesting and harder than I thought in ways I didn't think about. But God is stretching me, teaching me and giving me true peace.

New Every Morning

His mercies are new every morning. Seriously. They really are. Kind of crazy when we take that for granted. I know I do. A lot. In my profession I really can't afford to keep taking it for granted. I need (desperately) His mercies to be new every morning. In fact, I often believe the verse should read that His mercies are new every second. Not that I am trying to change the Holy Bible...

Being a teacher can be exhausting. There are a lot of demands, a lot of hopes, a lot of idealistic expectations, a lot of people looking up to you to lead. I come home a lot of days with mixed feelings of frustration, hope, redemption and shock when it comes to my students. I used to always think, "Whew! Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning for THEM!"

However, I am starting to realize a few things. As I look back over my day I note some things that I am ashamed as a teacher that I committed.
1) I decided sleep was more important than time with God this morning.
2) I told a student to wait to talk to me while I finished an activity I didn't need until Friday.
3) I rolled my eyes at a student's comment.
4) The amount of unending smart comments that rolled through my head all day were ridiculous.
5) I told a student we would look at a video he wanted to show me at another time knowing that I was hoping he would forget.
6) I handled classroom management without prayer or petition most of the time and took matters into my own hands. (this NEVER works out right)
7) I got frustrated with a house parent and took it out on my students.

These might seem minor to you. But they are the building blocks of something bigger. Some days my list is shorter. Some days my list is longer. It is not my goal to keep up with the length of the list. It is my goal to ask for forgiveness. To ask for a way to be more like Christ. To ask for guidance and strength. I strive to remember that He gives new mercies every day. And I am soooo thankful for that.

Much Needed Rest.

Trying to keep my life together involves a lot of planning for rest. Especially as I sit here coughing up my annual lung. I absolutely love the fall and winter time but it also brings on the deep chest cold coupled with the headache cough. It was so easy when I was younger. I woke up sick and my parents would let me stay home so that I could rest. It was fabulous. I remember lying on the couch and watching t.v. all day. My dad would check in on me throughout the day and while I was in and out of sleep I felt my mom's hand on my forehead checking for fever. Sure I downed the dreaded syrup and pills, but the best thing was really the rest.
It's funny how I have gotten older and feel like rest is the last thing I can sacrifice. There are so many things to do! I don't want to be an incovenience by asking for a substitute. I don't want to be rude by refusing time or cancelling plans with a friend. I don't want to miss out on a conversation or opportunity. I don't want to put off simple tasks like dishes, grading papers, or vacuuming (even though I am not on top of those things under normal circumstances).
But lately I have been reminded ever so gently that rest is necessary. That it is not rude to tell someone I need to cancel so I can rest. That sometimes that day of rest and doing nothing will help me out more than I know. I cannot afford to sacrifice rest. Everything else will eventually start to suffer if I am running on partial fuel or not at my best. The best example I cannot get out of my mind is a story that a speaker told at a convention I recently attended.
Professor: What day of the week do you take off for rest?
Young Pastor: Well, I used to take off Saturdays, but I needed to use that day to prepare.
Professor: So not Saturday or Sunday. When?
Young Pastor: Well, then I was going to take off Mondays, but everyone really needs me and asks for my help after service.
Professor: Ok. So not Mondays either. When?
Young Pastor: Well, you know, the devil never rests.
Professor: Oh. I see. I didn't know he was your example to live by.
(taken from lead speaker at ACSI conference; Phil Tuttle)

I sometimes act like the devil is my example to live by. If that is the case, I am failing my students, my friends, and myself. I want to live as Christ lives. And even Jesus got away from everyone now and then. God gives us an example of rest. And how it is necessary.

RENEWED

There is something to say about new beginnings. You know those moments where you have a fresh start? Where it is as if the slate is clean? Funny thing about those moments. I usually just pretend that the slate is clean. I tell myself that since I am in a new environment, a new moment, a new surrounding, that I can just be something new that I create myself. I can put on this great front and say that I have truly forgiven myself. I can say that I am stronger. I can say that I wasn't hurt or damaged for the long run. I can say that I am good, and right, and ok with the world and I have everything under control.

Except I am not honest with myself.

See, the thing that is wrong with that passage is that there are a lot of "I"s in there. A lot of me. Not a lot of Christ. And that has been my ploy for many years. It's not that I didn't believe. But I believed under my conditions. I believed to the extent that I thought I was capable. Look, there I go with the "I" thing again.

The Bible says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His perfect and pleasing will." Romans 12:2

I never noticed the word "pattern" before. The scripture doesn't just say to not be like the world, but do not be like the "pattern" of this world.

It's that sick cycle. That generational curse. That feeling of "everybody is doing it". The thought process of "I'm just having a bad day. I will be better tomorrow."

God's will for me is to be like Him. God's will for me is for there to be no "I". So that when I step into a new situation I can truly believe and say that God has truly forgiven, He has made stronger, He has healed the broken and damaged, God is good and right and has everything under control.

Second New Year...

Who is this gal??

She is confident in her Lord Jesus.

She believes in second chances (and sometimes thirds and fourths...)

She knows that she knows that she knows that God loves her.

She knows she is a masterpiece in a working progress.

She is on her way to Africa.

She is called to serve.

She is created in His image.

She is exhausted but truly filled with His joy.

She hasn't felt this alive since two years ago.

She is addicted to steamed edamame.

She has amazing friends.

She herself hasn't always been the amazing friend.

She is working on that.

She is getting her life and finances in order ONLY by the grace of God.

She is a child of God.

She is going back to working out in the mornings.

She is a Daniel, and a Sarah, and a Ruth but also a Naomi.

She is free.