I live where Satan resides.

So.... it's been a while. Almost a year. Tons of reasons why I haven't blogged and none of them important. Life has definitely gone in a different way than I thought or planned. Life, I'm beginning to realize, does that.
I live in Fayetteville now and teach at a middle school. I would still like to go to Africa. I haven't given up on that entirely. But I am realizing that God has different plans for me for right now. After several different interviews I got this job. Have you ever not wanted to do something but knew that you should? Or feel like you were fighting something that you knew would win? And not win because it was stronger, but win because it was right. That is me moving to Fayetteville. I've lived in three different places and visited more than twice that. Never have I felt such a feeling of discontent. Even the short spurts of Philly took some of my heart. Never did I picture myself in the flattest or hottest place on Earth. I know you think I am exaggerating, and I am. But I can't help it. Basically, never did I ever want to live in Fayetteville.
I've been here since August and there have definitely been ups and downs. It seems that there have been more downs than ups, but in reality it's been the opposite. See, although I am confident that Fayetteville is not my destination ( NOT EVEN CLOSE), I am sure that Fayetteville is a short (VERY SHORT) stop that God is using for me to not only show others how awesome a relationship with Him is, but to stretch and grow me closer to Him than I could ever imagine. What other place could I possibly be where I would have to FULLY DEPEND on God for sanity let alone everything else? Ok, that was a little sarcastic.
Truth is, I have really hit a low in my Fayetteville life. Which is why I appreciate my relationship with God. Which is why I can tell Satan to shove it and to shove off because I serve a MOST HIGH GOD. Which is why I say that I know that, even though I loathe this place (if Lot and his wife were leaving Fayetteville they could have grown old together (lightening...NOW)), I know this is where I am supposed to be. I don't know WHY. And that is okay with me. Because my God knows way more than me. And I can be comforted with just that. So Satan can attack but in the end, he can't win. Which means I won't be in his domain for long. :)

Love is so amazing. I'm not talking about the movie love. Or the love that sparks inside of you for the opposite sex. I'm talking about true love. The love that is so strong it moves you. The love that is so strong sometimes you just can't do anything but sit and take it in and be amazed by it. The love that a lot of us tend to fight even when we know it is there for us. The love that spills out of us in those rare moments that we allow it to. The compassion that is spurred by a love for the human life. Sometimes the love we never thought we had or knew. The just love that God created. It swells in my soul sometimes so much all I can do is cry. Not a sad or happy cry. Just an overwhelming love. It gets pushed back sometimes as well as I try to prove I don't need anyone or anything. It gets rejected as I fight it and fling it aside like a dirty rag so I don't have to feel anything or be held accountable. It gets abused as I feed it and use it for things of this world that are not lasting. It is so resilent. It is so moving. It is so precious. It connects time and space and human hearts to a King who holds power in His hands. It creates our feeble minds and fragile souls into an image we are not worthy of but were given anyway. I wonder how many times I have used the word love casually as a familiar phrase. Lord help me to love. Lord remind me daily of the labor of love You have poured out for me. Let me also die to myself so that Your love remains.

Please keep in prayer:
PRAISE GOD!!! Gwyn and Trish are both home together with Nathan!
my friend Sonja and her family
the Pickett family
BJ, my sister's boyfriend
my future job
Rhonda's dad and mom
the people who survived the quakes

Another Day Another Dollar...

Money makes the world go round. Right? As I come upon a transition in my life I have lots of decisions to make. They pretty much all should revolve around money. With a job to search for I should look for retirement plans, health benefits, salary, incentives, bonuses, compensation, location... so I can search for a place to live which includes rent, power, heat, other utilities, internet, cable... so I can enjoy entertainment and food including groceries, movies, odds and ends from the great god of WalMart... the list goes on. Money makes the world go round. Right? Then why am I pulled another way? Don't get me wrong. I have a bag full of makeup products alone whose retail value is enough to silence me at this very sentence. The amount of DVDs and CDs that I own is ridiculous. I grew up never wanting and so I treat myself as always deserving. This does not make me a bad person. This does not make me a hypocrite. This does make it hard to understand why I feel that not having everything, including money, is not the end of the world if it means I can gain in other ways. Our goal in life is not to succeed or work towards retirement. It scares me to think that I want more than money drawn out every month for social security or a 401. I'm not even sure if that is the correct name of the plan. But it really excites me to think that somewhere it's possible. God has designated a spot for me to serve that fits my desires and His plan. My heart aches to be near my family and watch my little sister, brother and niece and nephew grow. Yet my arms ache to hug a child that has never known a hug. My ears are ready to listen to a child speak who is not used to having adults stop to pay attention. My mouth wants so badly to say I love you, I care for you, I am here for you to children who assume their life is loveless, careless and void of help or assistance. I want to be with my loved ones, but here is the thing: I know they are loved. I want to get a high paying job, but here is the thing: there is a higher chance that people are there that care already. I want to be safe and secure in my plans for the rest of my life but here's the thing: God's plans are higher. His dreams for me are more than I can possibly imagine. And because I believe that it is HIS love that makes the world go round, I choose His path and not mine or societies. Hold me accountable God to what I know is true.

Prayer Thoughts:
Trish, Gwyn and Nate
Andrew Rawls and his family
Emily and Brian Nordby and their new addition, Ethan!!!!
my sister Katie and her boyfriend BJ
me, as I take the PRAXIS tomorrow
the Sudan
children who will go unloved tonight
children who will go unclothed tonight
children who will go unfed tonight
children who will be used tonight
children who will cry themselves to sleep tonight
children who will go cold tonight
children who will go unnoticed tonight

Lover of My Soul...

If you know me, then you know how attached to music I am. When people say that it moves their souls, I feel them, because it literally does to me too. I can't explain it. It's really a sick relationship because I crave music. It seems to make everything better. It brightens my moods in the worst of times and gives an extra kick to the best. Everything is easier with music. Cleaning, sleeping, homework, dancing, driving... pretty much everything. It's not just the music though, it's also the lyrics. When these two forces combine you have CAPTAIN PLANET!!! No, not really. That was a Saturday morning cartoon in my head. But you have some moving stuff. The thing with music is I just can't keep it to myself. I want everyone to know about it. I want everyone to listen to it and hear the new song that just moved me from the ground I was standing on. I beg people and if some person is unlucky enough to say yes? WOAH. watch out. I begin to get excited that they could feel the same way about the song and hear the same emotion and feel the same thing and I want to share another song and another. I have literally kidnapped people (Jami Holland bless you!) to drive them around to simply listen to full cds of songs I just HAVE TO SHARE or I feel like I might burst. No lie. I get hyped up on the anticipation as they listen to the song and I search for a light to go on in their expression to let me know that they get it. That the song had just as much, if not a more powerful impact on them. It's unreal. I have had people automatically say no when they know I am in these moods. I have had people grind their teeth as they patiently listen to the song all the while searching for an excuse not to listen to another one. IT'S INSANE, this obsession. Music calms me, destresses me, makes me feel close to God like never before. It helps me focus, it changes my outlook on life, it gives me energy.
So, I'm thinking, that I love music. Not only do I love music, but it changes me. Not only that? But I have to share it with people with reckless abandon. And then I stop and think... isn't that how we should be with God? Shouldn't I be completely in love with Him? Shouldn't every encounter with Him that I have change me? And most importantly, shouldn't I want to tell it to the world with reckless abandon no matter what the cost? It makes me stop and think and check myself. I pray that more than music, He will always be the Lover of my soul.

Jesus, Lover of my soul, Jesus, I will never let you
go

You’ve taken me from the miry clay

You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know

I love you, I need you,

Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend,

I will worship you until the very end

God's Timing is Everything...

So, I have been here for almost six days in New York, training to go to Africa. I have learned many many things about this country and I have much to learn. I have met amazing people with a heart for service in Africa and a desire to shine God's love into some dark situations.
It is with an understanding heart that I was told I would have to wait to go. Me being the "right now, right here" person, I was dissapointed and sad to hear, but I am willing to listen to what God has in store. I believe that if God really wants me to go now, He will still put that desire in my heart two years from now. What could now be just a spark will be an all-consuming passionate call in two years. I am excited and anxious about the future, but above all I am calmed that I have a Savior whose timing is perfect and whose plans far exceed mine. Some prayer concerns that weigh heavy on my heart at this moment that maybe you can share in:

• Trish, Nate and Gwyn
• Andrew Rawls and his family (his mother died and father in critical care)
• the friends I have met that have been assigned and now look at heavy duty fundraising!
• a couple with a child who is sick and the illness has not been determined
• teaching prospects for me in the fall
• missionaries in Chad that are waiting to be evacuated
• safety and well-being for Kenya

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

While the title to this blog is a catchy tune (sorry if you don't know it or remember it!), it is a question that is most asked in our training here in New York. Should I stay where I am and build more support? Should I go even though I have no idea about the language or culture? Should my children go? Should they stay with family back in the states? All these questions are difficult to answer alone. Thank goodness we don't have to answer them alone. I feel blessed that I have a God who is all knowing and all powerful. He knows my coming and going, he sees me with a broken heart. He knows plans for me that I cannot even imagine and for that I am thankful. He provides more than he does for the birds of the air and much more than a simple man would for a stranger.
I find a lot of questions have been answered in these training sessions. I have also found more opportunities which include even more questions. My security rests in God. My peace in this craziness comes from knowing that He knows it all already and has already seen the days ahead of me. I have met many friends in this weekend. I have learned a lot and my heart has been open wider than I thought possible. I have had struggles with decisions and I have been torn between what I know of this world and what God expects of me. Yet His peace is still there. Giving me hope that in whatever the decision is for me on Monday, I will leave better able to serve God for it.
If you have time today I ask that you pray for some sisters and brothers in Christ that know Him and that have not been given the joy yet.

• Trish, Nate and Gwyn
• my parents
• a friend who lost her aunt this morning
• the counsel here at AIM as they place people in Africa for the coming year
• a couple who are waiting for a decision on their child's sickness
• the nationals and missionaries in Chad as they go through this evil turmoil
• the nationals and missionaries in Kenya as they try to find peace
• our own nation as the election draws near

Now to leave you with a song, because I sat picking the keys forever last night to calm my mind and because it is fitting.

Jesus! what a Friend for sinners!Jesus! Lover of my soul;Friends may fail me, foes assail me,He, my Savior, makes me whole.
Refrain
Hallelujah! what a Savior!Hallelujah! what a Friend!Saving, helping, keeping, loving,He is with me to the end.
Jesus! what a Strength in weakness!Let me hide myself in Him.Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,He, my Strength, my victory wins.
Refrain
Jesus! what a Help in sorrow!While the billows over me roll,Even when my heart is breaking,He, my Comfort, helps my soul.
Refrain
Jesus! what a Guide and Keeper!While the tempest still is high,Storms about me, night overtakes me,He, my Pilot, hears my cry.
Refrain
Jesus! I do now receive Him,[or Jesus! I do now adore Him,]More than all in Him I find.He hath granted me forgiveness,I am His, and He is mine.
Refrain

Time for a Change...right?

You ever just have one of those days where you have so many thoughts coming in and out that your mind just hurts? I'm having one of those. My mind is going faster than I can process. To look at the list of questions that are running through my mind is impossible. It is like a random compost pile of fragmented thoughts. As I try to dissect them, I realize that they are worries. Never have I ever seen so many worries that I am not processing but just recycling and building up.
Do I have all my projects for my lesson on Native Americans tomorrow? Did I pack my passport? Where are my fave jeans cuz I want to wear them on the plane. I need to balance my checkbook. ARG I forgot to register for the Praxis II again. I HAVE TO DO THAT! I need the jumpy things for the Hosanna Fest, cupcakes for the cupcake walk and oh yeah, PEOPLE TO RUN THE GAMES. In fact I need to get my newsletter in to Lynn about announcing the Hosanna Fest. I need to practice my lines. What if they sit me down and tell me my psych eval was rubbish and I am not allowed to go to Africa? What if I thought this was the right plan and it gets changed up and I have to start over? What if it is the right plan and if it is I need to start thinking about selling my car. I need to get boxes to box up my stuff. I still haven't exercised and the mashed potatoes aren't helping. At some point, I need to take this black fingernail polish off. Why did I dye my hair RED and pretend I could cut my own bangs? Why does that matter? How am I supposed to teach 4th and 5th graders about government when I don't even understand it? I will never finish grading all these papers. I need to make sub plans for people for my Sunday school and Children's Church. AHHHHH I need to do a worksheet for the 3rd through 5th graders!
Seriously????
The list could go on. I am not saying all of this to complain (although I have) and not to gain sympathy ( let's face it, ALL of this is trivial). I am stating it simply because it is a part of me. A horrid part. Last night at bible study we read in Ezekial 8 that God detests it when we worry. Not "hate it a lil bit" but detests it. Eww. Things I detest I don't even want to be around. It is amazing that time after time after time after... (well you get the idea) God has proven that He is faithful. He has proven that He is sufficient. He has proven that He can supply all my needs. So why do I still worry? Why do I question what I already know? Why do I say to others that God is just and able and then turn my back on Him with my own life? How can I cover up my sin of worry and doubt with praise and encouragement? Even as I think that I will change I worry about the possibility of change. What if I want to and don't? And if I want to and don't then does that mean I don't want to? Why do I try to overthink who God is? Why can't He. Just. Be. Enough.
"Investigate my life oh God and find out EVERYTHING about me. Cross examine and test me and get a clear picture of what I'm about. See for yourself whether I have done anything wrong and then guide me on the road to eternal life." Psalm 139:23 The Message

*just my thoughts to share :)