Lately I have been trying to get my life back in order. Except it really hasn't been lately, because it feels like a game I've been playing as far back as I can remember. It's the whole, "two steps foward, rock slide backward" lifestyle. This vicious circle that plays out over and over again.
Darrell was preaching about it last Sunday and I was beginning to realize that maybe I was starting to get comfortable. Not at all with my surroundings. But with the attitude that is brought on by my circumstances. I took a step back and didn't really like who I had become.
I'm not saying that people are able to go through life without complaint. Things happen in life, and because we are not gods and because other people won't comply with our wishes, life sometimes (God forbid) doesn't go our way. Or doesn't even line up with what we consider a decent living. Our boss is a let down as an authoritative figure. We lose respect for a close friend. We make a choice that we know wasn't in our best interest let alone God's holiness. So then we decide we can't handle it. We give up, turn our backs. We change ourselves, our setting, our minds about 50 times over to create another environment that is safe from dissapointment in ourselves and in other people. We tell ourselves it will be different this time. That things will turn out differently. That finally we have created the perfect environment for a utopia that is worthy to hold us.
I get so disgusted and angry when I see this in people. Especially people who I know, know better. And in people who have so much more to offer than a circumstantial life. I get mad and frustrated, and then I look at my life and realize I am one of those people. ewwww.
So what do you do? Pick yourself back up and try again? I tend to beat myself up. I put limitations on myself and limitations on God instead of just accepting his grace. I forget His love. I pull away from his gentle whispers that I am not finished yet. That the circumstances I am going through are periods that He is able to draw me closer and refine me. Not periods where I doubt who He says He is and try to start over somewhere else.
This is the thing: if I am happy and things are looking up and I am on fire for God and can say that I know He has a purpose for me and I fully belong to Him, then how can I say there is something better for me somewhere else and I need to plan to change my circumstances to better myself when things don't go my way and I am down or mad about people's decisions? I can't say God is real and praise Him and then proclaim He doesn't know what He is doing or that He made a mistake based on how I feel or how others make me feel.
It's time to grow up. It's time to put childish ways behind me. I need to put down my blanket, get my thumb out of my mouth and realize that real life is not sugar and spice and everything nice.
We need to stop living as a selfish generation that places barriers and bars on a great and mighty and powerful God. He is Holy. He is rightgeous. He is Truth. So I need to stop believing the lies. The lies that tell me I messed up so now I need rigorous boundaries and rules. The lies that tell me that since life is in a tough spot right now and people don't follow what are my sensible (seriously? you thought that would work Harnett County? How stupid can you be?) ideas of how work or community should be run so in turn I am going to bolt to a self pleasing job. The lies that say it is not worth the backslide to take those two steps.
Our God is Truth. Satan is a lie. I choose Truth. I welcome the hardship of stupid people, frustrating circumstances and annoying trivial meetings. It doesn't mean that I won't say things I shouldn't. It doesn't mean I won't wish I could be somewhere else where life is simple and more enjoyable. It doesn't mean I won't pitch a fit and cry from time to time and say it is not fair or I don't deserve this. But those are my backslides. My two steps foward will be filled with refinement. With more and more becoming a woman of God. With more and more knowing that my heart and my soul is being stretched not for my comfort but to serve a holy God who deserves and created me for His glory and praise.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I think it is amazingly awesome how things tie in together. This has been one crazy week but God has been moving as usual. Rex and I were on overload with practice for different things with the praise band. To the point where I wanted to scream and really had to step out and realize that I was worshipping God for His glory and not my own. We got into this amazing conversation on how it is an amazing privilege to lead worship. When the words and music are used to glorify God and you are nothing at all is a really humbling thing. And trust me, I need to be humbled. Over and over and over and over and over and... you get the idea. Then we had the youth rally and for that split second we thought, there is not the number of kids here that we expected. Then God again reminded us it was for His glory and the kids there were there for a reason.
This morning I read 2 John. It is pretty short and sweet but talks about loving one another and to do what we need to walk in obedience to His commands. It also talks about not being self-centered. THEN I read some more in my book "Let the Nations Be Glad!" by John Piper (flippin awesome book, second time I am reading it). The part I read about was how the end all to our being is to know God and make Him known and the end all to God is to glorify God. The next couple of pages are filled with scripture about how God wants His glory to be fulfilled, shone and carried out. He chose us for His glory, created us for His glory, rescues us for His glory, spares us for His glory, restores us for His glory, forgives us for His glory and instructs us to live and serve for His glory.
THEN the church service that Darrell preached on was talking about being obedient to God. To turn from our selfish ways and desires and to just be obedient. To see the need and fill it. To run like Philip did to the spot God has called us and wait for more instructions to serve Him and glorify His name. To immediately do what God wants because it is pleasing to Him and glorifies Him and not let ANYTHING including ourselves hinder the process of glorifying Him.
The first service I almost couldn't make it through the closing song I was so moved by the conviction in my life. And then it didn't matter that I was crying because I was simply telling my God that I am madly in love with Him. Despite my downfalls and my selfish desires. That if I am so moved by what we as a church do inside the walls of a simple building, why not take that out and fill the streets with it? Go crazy and dance like David did in the streets because it is His glory and nothing else. What is hindering me? ME. My selfishness. My sense of duty to something that has no value. My insecurities. My drive for perfection. My sense of loss over worldly things.
I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I feel like this person that I hate. This person that has stopped caring about others because all of a sudden she is too wrapped up in herself, in her own misery. I try to figure it out. I beg God to make it go away. I feel ashamed and ridiculous and reckless at a time in my life where I am supposed to have it all together. I've turned into someone that I swore I would never be. I have made compromises these past two months. I've put on a fake outside to conceal the inside. But God has been here all along. Whispering words of true love. Breaking me over and over until I am weeping on my knees not for what I thought I had lost to begin with, but with a sense of being weak and lost and needing His holiness and strength to be the only thing that carries me through. Lord God continue to make me uncomfortable, unfinished and undone so that Your glory can shine through. Below are some really amazing songs that I have just lost myself in singing to God and glorifying who He is. It is when I am singing to Him that I feel the closest and restored and simply able to come humbly before His throne. It's just Him and me.
"At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I am sweetly broken." - Sweetly Broken
"I'm a guilty thief whose hanging by Your side. And my shame is dying with Your sacrifice. And as I look into Your eyes I see Paradise! I cry Father, Father forgive me. You say child, I already have. You are beautiful, beautiful redemption." - Beautiful Redemption
"What do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it's name? What do I know of holy? Of the One whom the angels praise? All creation knows Your name. On earth and heaven above, what do I know of this love?" - What DO I Know of Holy
This morning I read 2 John. It is pretty short and sweet but talks about loving one another and to do what we need to walk in obedience to His commands. It also talks about not being self-centered. THEN I read some more in my book "Let the Nations Be Glad!" by John Piper (flippin awesome book, second time I am reading it). The part I read about was how the end all to our being is to know God and make Him known and the end all to God is to glorify God. The next couple of pages are filled with scripture about how God wants His glory to be fulfilled, shone and carried out. He chose us for His glory, created us for His glory, rescues us for His glory, spares us for His glory, restores us for His glory, forgives us for His glory and instructs us to live and serve for His glory.
THEN the church service that Darrell preached on was talking about being obedient to God. To turn from our selfish ways and desires and to just be obedient. To see the need and fill it. To run like Philip did to the spot God has called us and wait for more instructions to serve Him and glorify His name. To immediately do what God wants because it is pleasing to Him and glorifies Him and not let ANYTHING including ourselves hinder the process of glorifying Him.
The first service I almost couldn't make it through the closing song I was so moved by the conviction in my life. And then it didn't matter that I was crying because I was simply telling my God that I am madly in love with Him. Despite my downfalls and my selfish desires. That if I am so moved by what we as a church do inside the walls of a simple building, why not take that out and fill the streets with it? Go crazy and dance like David did in the streets because it is His glory and nothing else. What is hindering me? ME. My selfishness. My sense of duty to something that has no value. My insecurities. My drive for perfection. My sense of loss over worldly things.
I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I feel like this person that I hate. This person that has stopped caring about others because all of a sudden she is too wrapped up in herself, in her own misery. I try to figure it out. I beg God to make it go away. I feel ashamed and ridiculous and reckless at a time in my life where I am supposed to have it all together. I've turned into someone that I swore I would never be. I have made compromises these past two months. I've put on a fake outside to conceal the inside. But God has been here all along. Whispering words of true love. Breaking me over and over until I am weeping on my knees not for what I thought I had lost to begin with, but with a sense of being weak and lost and needing His holiness and strength to be the only thing that carries me through. Lord God continue to make me uncomfortable, unfinished and undone so that Your glory can shine through. Below are some really amazing songs that I have just lost myself in singing to God and glorifying who He is. It is when I am singing to Him that I feel the closest and restored and simply able to come humbly before His throne. It's just Him and me.
"At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I am sweetly broken." - Sweetly Broken
"I'm a guilty thief whose hanging by Your side. And my shame is dying with Your sacrifice. And as I look into Your eyes I see Paradise! I cry Father, Father forgive me. You say child, I already have. You are beautiful, beautiful redemption." - Beautiful Redemption
"What do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it's name? What do I know of holy? Of the One whom the angels praise? All creation knows Your name. On earth and heaven above, what do I know of this love?" - What DO I Know of Holy
Friday, September 18, 2009
Repetition
I don't mind doing things over and over again. I find it comforting. When I go to a restaurant, I usually order the same thing. I can listen to a song that I like and never really get tired of it. I am able to carry out the same mundane tasks everyday and not be bothered that they are identical to each other. I like it. In a world that is always about the newest or freshest or boldest, I am content to repeat. This is sometimes a good thing. For instance, I don't really have to think when I make breakfast in the morning anymore. Weekdays are Kashi waffle with peanut butter and banana and weekends are egg whites with peppers and tomatoes. I know this. It is like clockwork and I don't spend or waste time thinking about it. I am somewhat of a planner and I like to know what is to come. It relaxes me.
On the other hand, life doesn't always allow repetition and then I get put out. I mean, how dare Wal-mart forget to stock up on the stringless snap peas? The weather knows I prefer to run outside in the neighborhood on Saturday mornings. Why is it raining??? Now I have to change my plans. It is discomforting. It is unpleasant. It is... survivable?
I tend to include my bible reading into my OCD of repetition. Sometimes it is a good thing. I have literally been in or near 1John since the beginning of summer. Don't knock, there is some awesome stuff worth reading in there. And I ALWAYS get something new out of reading the verses over and over again. AHHHHH the WHOLE book is awesome. I think I was stuck on ch. 3 verses 11 - 20 for like 4 weeks. I would open up to read the next section and end up reading that section again. It was amazing. I just finished reading ch. 5 today. It is pretty inspiring and pretty scary. It talks about that we who believe in Jesus should know that we have eternal life and that if we ask anything from God with confidence in accordance to His will, he hears us and we know we have what we have asked. (all copied/paraphrased/whatever from ch. 5 verses 13 - 15).
I just think this is so amazing. I mean, I have read this a LOT. But in reading it, I have taken away only what I want to hear. And sadly it is not what is actually being said. See, what I hear is that I am going to live forever after I die on Earth and because I made a promise in my heart to God, I get whatever I ask for as long as it is okay and morally right. Talk about botching up God's word. Man.
What the scripture is actually saying is something entirely different. My eternal life starts right now. In fact, it has already started and I have wasted who knows how many years of it already. The people I could have shared Jesus with and didn't or the amount of serving I passed up on is pretty shameful and disgusting. But I like being comfortable, remember? Then the passage goes on to say that if we have this confidence to approach God and realize He is listening and we ask Him anything within His guidelines that He will give it to us. That to me is even more scary. Prayer is not one of my strong points and it wasn't really that long ago that I remember praying and thinking to myself that "this prayer isn't really being heard and if it is, God is too small to do anything". It wasn't really until I moved to Fayetteville a little over a year ago that I truly believed in the power of prayer and could come with confidence before God to ask Him something. And adding the part where it is for His will and glory and not my selfish desires is a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I think I have some great ideas for His will and glory! However God has very firmly put me in my place time and time again. Telling God that I want what He wants for my life instead of telling Him what I think would benefit us both for my selfish gain is a gap that I am constantly having to fill in each day. Somedays I am loading the gap with the largest dumptrucks but usually it is with the smallest teaspoon.
So back to repetition and being comfortable. Sometimes it is a good thing and good things come out of it. But my LIFE is eternal and made that way through a reckless never-ending love that was constantly upsetting, undoing, inverting the repetitive, mundane comfort of life to achieve a fuller life that serves a purpose and a true God. I need to stay uncomfortable. If I get to a place where I don't have to think about my surroundings or care for the everyday life I see I pray that God shakes me up. I pray for all of us who prefer comfort but know that something unfinished is calling deeper. I pray for those of us who enjoy the simple routine of life but know that God's design is a holy pursuit of His passion that cannot be contained in a neat box. I approach the throne boldy and with confidence (even though the contradiction is that my knees are shaking) to ask God for guidance and opened doors and evident opportunities to seek His will, share His will and live life instead of just repeating the same old day.
On the other hand, life doesn't always allow repetition and then I get put out. I mean, how dare Wal-mart forget to stock up on the stringless snap peas? The weather knows I prefer to run outside in the neighborhood on Saturday mornings. Why is it raining??? Now I have to change my plans. It is discomforting. It is unpleasant. It is... survivable?
I tend to include my bible reading into my OCD of repetition. Sometimes it is a good thing. I have literally been in or near 1John since the beginning of summer. Don't knock, there is some awesome stuff worth reading in there. And I ALWAYS get something new out of reading the verses over and over again. AHHHHH the WHOLE book is awesome. I think I was stuck on ch. 3 verses 11 - 20 for like 4 weeks. I would open up to read the next section and end up reading that section again. It was amazing. I just finished reading ch. 5 today. It is pretty inspiring and pretty scary. It talks about that we who believe in Jesus should know that we have eternal life and that if we ask anything from God with confidence in accordance to His will, he hears us and we know we have what we have asked. (all copied/paraphrased/whatever from ch. 5 verses 13 - 15).
I just think this is so amazing. I mean, I have read this a LOT. But in reading it, I have taken away only what I want to hear. And sadly it is not what is actually being said. See, what I hear is that I am going to live forever after I die on Earth and because I made a promise in my heart to God, I get whatever I ask for as long as it is okay and morally right. Talk about botching up God's word. Man.
What the scripture is actually saying is something entirely different. My eternal life starts right now. In fact, it has already started and I have wasted who knows how many years of it already. The people I could have shared Jesus with and didn't or the amount of serving I passed up on is pretty shameful and disgusting. But I like being comfortable, remember? Then the passage goes on to say that if we have this confidence to approach God and realize He is listening and we ask Him anything within His guidelines that He will give it to us. That to me is even more scary. Prayer is not one of my strong points and it wasn't really that long ago that I remember praying and thinking to myself that "this prayer isn't really being heard and if it is, God is too small to do anything". It wasn't really until I moved to Fayetteville a little over a year ago that I truly believed in the power of prayer and could come with confidence before God to ask Him something. And adding the part where it is for His will and glory and not my selfish desires is a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I think I have some great ideas for His will and glory! However God has very firmly put me in my place time and time again. Telling God that I want what He wants for my life instead of telling Him what I think would benefit us both for my selfish gain is a gap that I am constantly having to fill in each day. Somedays I am loading the gap with the largest dumptrucks but usually it is with the smallest teaspoon.
So back to repetition and being comfortable. Sometimes it is a good thing and good things come out of it. But my LIFE is eternal and made that way through a reckless never-ending love that was constantly upsetting, undoing, inverting the repetitive, mundane comfort of life to achieve a fuller life that serves a purpose and a true God. I need to stay uncomfortable. If I get to a place where I don't have to think about my surroundings or care for the everyday life I see I pray that God shakes me up. I pray for all of us who prefer comfort but know that something unfinished is calling deeper. I pray for those of us who enjoy the simple routine of life but know that God's design is a holy pursuit of His passion that cannot be contained in a neat box. I approach the throne boldy and with confidence (even though the contradiction is that my knees are shaking) to ask God for guidance and opened doors and evident opportunities to seek His will, share His will and live life instead of just repeating the same old day.
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