Circumstances

Lately I have been trying to get my life back in order. Except it really hasn't been lately, because it feels like a game I've been playing as far back as I can remember. It's the whole, "two steps foward, rock slide backward" lifestyle. This vicious circle that plays out over and over again.
Darrell was preaching about it last Sunday and I was beginning to realize that maybe I was starting to get comfortable. Not at all with my surroundings. But with the attitude that is brought on by my circumstances. I took a step back and didn't really like who I had become.
I'm not saying that people are able to go through life without complaint. Things happen in life, and because we are not gods and because other people won't comply with our wishes, life sometimes (God forbid) doesn't go our way. Or doesn't even line up with what we consider a decent living. Our boss is a let down as an authoritative figure. We lose respect for a close friend. We make a choice that we know wasn't in our best interest let alone God's holiness. So then we decide we can't handle it. We give up, turn our backs. We change ourselves, our setting, our minds about 50 times over to create another environment that is safe from dissapointment in ourselves and in other people. We tell ourselves it will be different this time. That things will turn out differently. That finally we have created the perfect environment for a utopia that is worthy to hold us.
I get so disgusted and angry when I see this in people. Especially people who I know, know better. And in people who have so much more to offer than a circumstantial life. I get mad and frustrated, and then I look at my life and realize I am one of those people. ewwww.
So what do you do? Pick yourself back up and try again? I tend to beat myself up. I put limitations on myself and limitations on God instead of just accepting his grace. I forget His love. I pull away from his gentle whispers that I am not finished yet. That the circumstances I am going through are periods that He is able to draw me closer and refine me. Not periods where I doubt who He says He is and try to start over somewhere else.
This is the thing: if I am happy and things are looking up and I am on fire for God and can say that I know He has a purpose for me and I fully belong to Him, then how can I say there is something better for me somewhere else and I need to plan to change my circumstances to better myself when things don't go my way and I am down or mad about people's decisions? I can't say God is real and praise Him and then proclaim He doesn't know what He is doing or that He made a mistake based on how I feel or how others make me feel.
It's time to grow up. It's time to put childish ways behind me. I need to put down my blanket, get my thumb out of my mouth and realize that real life is not sugar and spice and everything nice.
We need to stop living as a selfish generation that places barriers and bars on a great and mighty and powerful God. He is Holy. He is rightgeous. He is Truth. So I need to stop believing the lies. The lies that tell me I messed up so now I need rigorous boundaries and rules. The lies that tell me that since life is in a tough spot right now and people don't follow what are my sensible (seriously? you thought that would work Harnett County? How stupid can you be?) ideas of how work or community should be run so in turn I am going to bolt to a self pleasing job. The lies that say it is not worth the backslide to take those two steps.
Our God is Truth. Satan is a lie. I choose Truth. I welcome the hardship of stupid people, frustrating circumstances and annoying trivial meetings. It doesn't mean that I won't say things I shouldn't. It doesn't mean I won't wish I could be somewhere else where life is simple and more enjoyable. It doesn't mean I won't pitch a fit and cry from time to time and say it is not fair or I don't deserve this. But those are my backslides. My two steps foward will be filled with refinement. With more and more becoming a woman of God. With more and more knowing that my heart and my soul is being stretched not for my comfort but to serve a holy God who deserves and created me for His glory and praise.