I think it is amazingly awesome how things tie in together. This has been one crazy week but God has been moving as usual. Rex and I were on overload with practice for different things with the praise band. To the point where I wanted to scream and really had to step out and realize that I was worshipping God for His glory and not my own. We got into this amazing conversation on how it is an amazing privilege to lead worship. When the words and music are used to glorify God and you are nothing at all is a really humbling thing. And trust me, I need to be humbled. Over and over and over and over and over and... you get the idea. Then we had the youth rally and for that split second we thought, there is not the number of kids here that we expected. Then God again reminded us it was for His glory and the kids there were there for a reason.
This morning I read 2 John. It is pretty short and sweet but talks about loving one another and to do what we need to walk in obedience to His commands. It also talks about not being self-centered. THEN I read some more in my book "Let the Nations Be Glad!" by John Piper (flippin awesome book, second time I am reading it). The part I read about was how the end all to our being is to know God and make Him known and the end all to God is to glorify God. The next couple of pages are filled with scripture about how God wants His glory to be fulfilled, shone and carried out. He chose us for His glory, created us for His glory, rescues us for His glory, spares us for His glory, restores us for His glory, forgives us for His glory and instructs us to live and serve for His glory.
THEN the church service that Darrell preached on was talking about being obedient to God. To turn from our selfish ways and desires and to just be obedient. To see the need and fill it. To run like Philip did to the spot God has called us and wait for more instructions to serve Him and glorify His name. To immediately do what God wants because it is pleasing to Him and glorifies Him and not let ANYTHING including ourselves hinder the process of glorifying Him.
The first service I almost couldn't make it through the closing song I was so moved by the conviction in my life. And then it didn't matter that I was crying because I was simply telling my God that I am madly in love with Him. Despite my downfalls and my selfish desires. That if I am so moved by what we as a church do inside the walls of a simple building, why not take that out and fill the streets with it? Go crazy and dance like David did in the streets because it is His glory and nothing else. What is hindering me? ME. My selfishness. My sense of duty to something that has no value. My insecurities. My drive for perfection. My sense of loss over worldly things.
I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I feel like this person that I hate. This person that has stopped caring about others because all of a sudden she is too wrapped up in herself, in her own misery. I try to figure it out. I beg God to make it go away. I feel ashamed and ridiculous and reckless at a time in my life where I am supposed to have it all together. I've turned into someone that I swore I would never be. I have made compromises these past two months. I've put on a fake outside to conceal the inside. But God has been here all along. Whispering words of true love. Breaking me over and over until I am weeping on my knees not for what I thought I had lost to begin with, but with a sense of being weak and lost and needing His holiness and strength to be the only thing that carries me through. Lord God continue to make me uncomfortable, unfinished and undone so that Your glory can shine through. Below are some really amazing songs that I have just lost myself in singing to God and glorifying who He is. It is when I am singing to Him that I feel the closest and restored and simply able to come humbly before His throne. It's just Him and me.
"At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I am sweetly broken." - Sweetly Broken
"I'm a guilty thief whose hanging by Your side. And my shame is dying with Your sacrifice. And as I look into Your eyes I see Paradise! I cry Father, Father forgive me. You say child, I already have. You are beautiful, beautiful redemption." - Beautiful Redemption
"What do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it's name? What do I know of holy? Of the One whom the angels praise? All creation knows Your name. On earth and heaven above, what do I know of this love?" - What DO I Know of Holy