A New Year and Fresh Start

It has been quite a while for posting, I know. With this coming New Year comes resolutions. There are several definitions for resolution.
Resolution: a) a solution
b) finding a solution to a problem
c) a settlement, something settled or resolved, the outcome
d) analysis into clear cut components

I take all these definitions to mean that one of the first steps to finding a resolution is to actually acknowledge that there is a problem. Almost like AA. If you are like me, then you are aware of many areas of your life that you would consider problematic. Areas that upon closer inspection really could use some tweaking if not complete renovation. Two issues come up when we start this analysis of problematic areas in our life.

Conviction: Do we really want to change those mediocre grey areas? I know for a fact that I have issues with several things including not following through, being consistently late, and no concept on how to control my financial spending. I am constantly stressed out by all three and the thought in the back of my mind that life would be a little easier where I to fix these three things. But everytime I have thought that I would give effort to these areas I look back now and realize that I did it half heartedly. Obviously life hasn't been unbearable with these minor flaws and I have survived, so why really try to commit to change in these areas? A very sad realization. The fact that I would settle (resolve) to stay below my potential is not very attractive. What does it take to really look back and realize that these little things that I assume just add simple stress are really parts of a bigger whole that reflect my relationship with an Almighty God?
God has been trying desperately to reveal the answer to that question. I just have tried just as desperately to ignore it. Scripture says that I am a child of the Father. That I am to show Him to all of the world. When I don't follow through on something, I am saying that the promise or agreement I originally made has lost its importance. God is not wishy-washy. For lack of a better term. He keeps His promises and stays with His original thought. So how am I showing who Christ is when I break my promise or don't follow through? When I am consistently late I am showing a lack of concern for the event or person I am late for. I am telling them with my actions that they are not important to me. I can't recall any passage in the bible where Jesus showed he did not care for another human being or issue. Jesus was always taking time out of His schedule to stop and pray, heal or simply talk to complete strangers. I can't even plan accordingly so that I will be ready for people I love! My finances also reflect on my relationship with God. All that I have belongs to Him. When I don't give back in Thanksgiving or spend it as if it were mine to do with what I want, it shows a complete lack of disrespect for God and the blessings He allows in my life. It also hinders me from being able to bless others. God has given me a salary not to fulfill my needs but to glorify Him further! What a crazy responsibility that I throw away more often than not.

The long and short of it is that even the little things matter. So my conviction should be stronger even in the least of these areas. I pray that the Holy Spirit convicts me to realize the ramifications of my actions. To allow me to know that even these things display my love for Christ and for people. No more time for posting today. I have promises I have to keep!

psalm 71

This is one of my favorite psalms. I have read countless times and it never gets old and I always learn new things from it everytime I read it. It's pretty long but the part that really speaks to me today is this:
¹⁹ Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

²¹ You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

I love this. I love how the psalmist uses the word "again". I look back on my life and I can see a lot of valleys and a lot of mountain tops. I remember at the time I was in the valley I wasn't sure exactly how I got there and how I was going to get back out. Looking back now I see that God restored me. He brought me up again. and again. and again. I am so undeserving.

Recently I have been through my biggest valley yet. It is like nothing I have gone through before. I feel like I am scrambling up the sides and just falling back down. But for the first time I am able to see how I will get out. It's like a light at the end of the tunnel. It's awesome. God has shown so much in different ways. My heart is still hurt but God is restoring once again.

The Music in Me

This is a song by Jimmy Needham. He is an amazing artist. I really love the lyrics because it is kind of how I feel right now in my life. Lord I want to do the things that will please You. But so often I don't. Whatever lies ahead, whether it is something I have waited for or something I had no idea was in store, You are my first love. You are the creator of my soul and my being. Keep me close to You and to Your promise that You know best. Life is not supposed to please me and make me happy but is given so that Your name can be praised and so that You can be glorified. I tend to forget that when life doesn't go the way I want it to or I feel like I am wandering around confused. Thank You for amazing family and friends that show the example of Your love everyday.


Lyrics to Lost At Sea :
How could you see what you see and not totally
Want to discontinue me for all eternity and then some
It bothers me so that I could be so
Completely unaffected when connected to the holy one
And so I sit here and stare at this page and wonder
At what age it will become clear to me
So for now I am clueless to how you do this
And how you move this spirit in me

I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea

How could your favor be the flavor I savor
When the fruits of my labor are so unfavorable
And old pages are setting the stages for something outrageous
A man who can save all our souls
And you know and you know

I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea

Ride the wave, wave goodbye, by the way did I mention today
That I don't know the way home
So could you take me by the hand and lead me to the dryer land
So I can finally breathe again instead of sinking like a stone
And now I will diligently and not religiously but affectionately come
Before the throne of your grace in this place and seek your face
For all eternity and then some
[ Lost At Sea Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Circumstances

Lately I have been trying to get my life back in order. Except it really hasn't been lately, because it feels like a game I've been playing as far back as I can remember. It's the whole, "two steps foward, rock slide backward" lifestyle. This vicious circle that plays out over and over again.
Darrell was preaching about it last Sunday and I was beginning to realize that maybe I was starting to get comfortable. Not at all with my surroundings. But with the attitude that is brought on by my circumstances. I took a step back and didn't really like who I had become.
I'm not saying that people are able to go through life without complaint. Things happen in life, and because we are not gods and because other people won't comply with our wishes, life sometimes (God forbid) doesn't go our way. Or doesn't even line up with what we consider a decent living. Our boss is a let down as an authoritative figure. We lose respect for a close friend. We make a choice that we know wasn't in our best interest let alone God's holiness. So then we decide we can't handle it. We give up, turn our backs. We change ourselves, our setting, our minds about 50 times over to create another environment that is safe from dissapointment in ourselves and in other people. We tell ourselves it will be different this time. That things will turn out differently. That finally we have created the perfect environment for a utopia that is worthy to hold us.
I get so disgusted and angry when I see this in people. Especially people who I know, know better. And in people who have so much more to offer than a circumstantial life. I get mad and frustrated, and then I look at my life and realize I am one of those people. ewwww.
So what do you do? Pick yourself back up and try again? I tend to beat myself up. I put limitations on myself and limitations on God instead of just accepting his grace. I forget His love. I pull away from his gentle whispers that I am not finished yet. That the circumstances I am going through are periods that He is able to draw me closer and refine me. Not periods where I doubt who He says He is and try to start over somewhere else.
This is the thing: if I am happy and things are looking up and I am on fire for God and can say that I know He has a purpose for me and I fully belong to Him, then how can I say there is something better for me somewhere else and I need to plan to change my circumstances to better myself when things don't go my way and I am down or mad about people's decisions? I can't say God is real and praise Him and then proclaim He doesn't know what He is doing or that He made a mistake based on how I feel or how others make me feel.
It's time to grow up. It's time to put childish ways behind me. I need to put down my blanket, get my thumb out of my mouth and realize that real life is not sugar and spice and everything nice.
We need to stop living as a selfish generation that places barriers and bars on a great and mighty and powerful God. He is Holy. He is rightgeous. He is Truth. So I need to stop believing the lies. The lies that tell me I messed up so now I need rigorous boundaries and rules. The lies that tell me that since life is in a tough spot right now and people don't follow what are my sensible (seriously? you thought that would work Harnett County? How stupid can you be?) ideas of how work or community should be run so in turn I am going to bolt to a self pleasing job. The lies that say it is not worth the backslide to take those two steps.
Our God is Truth. Satan is a lie. I choose Truth. I welcome the hardship of stupid people, frustrating circumstances and annoying trivial meetings. It doesn't mean that I won't say things I shouldn't. It doesn't mean I won't wish I could be somewhere else where life is simple and more enjoyable. It doesn't mean I won't pitch a fit and cry from time to time and say it is not fair or I don't deserve this. But those are my backslides. My two steps foward will be filled with refinement. With more and more becoming a woman of God. With more and more knowing that my heart and my soul is being stretched not for my comfort but to serve a holy God who deserves and created me for His glory and praise.

I think it is amazingly awesome how things tie in together. This has been one crazy week but God has been moving as usual. Rex and I were on overload with practice for different things with the praise band. To the point where I wanted to scream and really had to step out and realize that I was worshipping God for His glory and not my own. We got into this amazing conversation on how it is an amazing privilege to lead worship. When the words and music are used to glorify God and you are nothing at all is a really humbling thing. And trust me, I need to be humbled. Over and over and over and over and over and... you get the idea. Then we had the youth rally and for that split second we thought, there is not the number of kids here that we expected. Then God again reminded us it was for His glory and the kids there were there for a reason.
This morning I read 2 John. It is pretty short and sweet but talks about loving one another and to do what we need to walk in obedience to His commands. It also talks about not being self-centered. THEN I read some more in my book "Let the Nations Be Glad!" by John Piper (flippin awesome book, second time I am reading it). The part I read about was how the end all to our being is to know God and make Him known and the end all to God is to glorify God. The next couple of pages are filled with scripture about how God wants His glory to be fulfilled, shone and carried out. He chose us for His glory, created us for His glory, rescues us for His glory, spares us for His glory, restores us for His glory, forgives us for His glory and instructs us to live and serve for His glory.
THEN the church service that Darrell preached on was talking about being obedient to God. To turn from our selfish ways and desires and to just be obedient. To see the need and fill it. To run like Philip did to the spot God has called us and wait for more instructions to serve Him and glorify His name. To immediately do what God wants because it is pleasing to Him and glorifies Him and not let ANYTHING including ourselves hinder the process of glorifying Him.
The first service I almost couldn't make it through the closing song I was so moved by the conviction in my life. And then it didn't matter that I was crying because I was simply telling my God that I am madly in love with Him. Despite my downfalls and my selfish desires. That if I am so moved by what we as a church do inside the walls of a simple building, why not take that out and fill the streets with it? Go crazy and dance like David did in the streets because it is His glory and nothing else. What is hindering me? ME. My selfishness. My sense of duty to something that has no value. My insecurities. My drive for perfection. My sense of loss over worldly things.
I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I feel like this person that I hate. This person that has stopped caring about others because all of a sudden she is too wrapped up in herself, in her own misery. I try to figure it out. I beg God to make it go away. I feel ashamed and ridiculous and reckless at a time in my life where I am supposed to have it all together. I've turned into someone that I swore I would never be. I have made compromises these past two months. I've put on a fake outside to conceal the inside. But God has been here all along. Whispering words of true love. Breaking me over and over until I am weeping on my knees not for what I thought I had lost to begin with, but with a sense of being weak and lost and needing His holiness and strength to be the only thing that carries me through. Lord God continue to make me uncomfortable, unfinished and undone so that Your glory can shine through. Below are some really amazing songs that I have just lost myself in singing to God and glorifying who He is. It is when I am singing to Him that I feel the closest and restored and simply able to come humbly before His throne. It's just Him and me.
"At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I am sweetly broken." - Sweetly Broken
"I'm a guilty thief whose hanging by Your side. And my shame is dying with Your sacrifice. And as I look into Your eyes I see Paradise! I cry Father, Father forgive me. You say child, I already have. You are beautiful, beautiful redemption." - Beautiful Redemption
"What do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it's name? What do I know of holy? Of the One whom the angels praise? All creation knows Your name. On earth and heaven above, what do I know of this love?" - What DO I Know of Holy

Repetition

I don't mind doing things over and over again. I find it comforting. When I go to a restaurant, I usually order the same thing. I can listen to a song that I like and never really get tired of it. I am able to carry out the same mundane tasks everyday and not be bothered that they are identical to each other. I like it. In a world that is always about the newest or freshest or boldest, I am content to repeat. This is sometimes a good thing. For instance, I don't really have to think when I make breakfast in the morning anymore. Weekdays are Kashi waffle with peanut butter and banana and weekends are egg whites with peppers and tomatoes. I know this. It is like clockwork and I don't spend or waste time thinking about it. I am somewhat of a planner and I like to know what is to come. It relaxes me.
On the other hand, life doesn't always allow repetition and then I get put out. I mean, how dare Wal-mart forget to stock up on the stringless snap peas? The weather knows I prefer to run outside in the neighborhood on Saturday mornings. Why is it raining??? Now I have to change my plans. It is discomforting. It is unpleasant. It is... survivable?
I tend to include my bible reading into my OCD of repetition. Sometimes it is a good thing. I have literally been in or near 1John since the beginning of summer. Don't knock, there is some awesome stuff worth reading in there. And I ALWAYS get something new out of reading the verses over and over again. AHHHHH the WHOLE book is awesome. I think I was stuck on ch. 3 verses 11 - 20 for like 4 weeks. I would open up to read the next section and end up reading that section again. It was amazing. I just finished reading ch. 5 today. It is pretty inspiring and pretty scary. It talks about that we who believe in Jesus should know that we have eternal life and that if we ask anything from God with confidence in accordance to His will, he hears us and we know we have what we have asked. (all copied/paraphrased/whatever from ch. 5 verses 13 - 15).
I just think this is so amazing. I mean, I have read this a LOT. But in reading it, I have taken away only what I want to hear. And sadly it is not what is actually being said. See, what I hear is that I am going to live forever after I die on Earth and because I made a promise in my heart to God, I get whatever I ask for as long as it is okay and morally right. Talk about botching up God's word. Man.
What the scripture is actually saying is something entirely different. My eternal life starts right now. In fact, it has already started and I have wasted who knows how many years of it already. The people I could have shared Jesus with and didn't or the amount of serving I passed up on is pretty shameful and disgusting. But I like being comfortable, remember? Then the passage goes on to say that if we have this confidence to approach God and realize He is listening and we ask Him anything within His guidelines that He will give it to us. That to me is even more scary. Prayer is not one of my strong points and it wasn't really that long ago that I remember praying and thinking to myself that "this prayer isn't really being heard and if it is, God is too small to do anything". It wasn't really until I moved to Fayetteville a little over a year ago that I truly believed in the power of prayer and could come with confidence before God to ask Him something. And adding the part where it is for His will and glory and not my selfish desires is a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I think I have some great ideas for His will and glory! However God has very firmly put me in my place time and time again. Telling God that I want what He wants for my life instead of telling Him what I think would benefit us both for my selfish gain is a gap that I am constantly having to fill in each day. Somedays I am loading the gap with the largest dumptrucks but usually it is with the smallest teaspoon.
So back to repetition and being comfortable. Sometimes it is a good thing and good things come out of it. But my LIFE is eternal and made that way through a reckless never-ending love that was constantly upsetting, undoing, inverting the repetitive, mundane comfort of life to achieve a fuller life that serves a purpose and a true God. I need to stay uncomfortable. If I get to a place where I don't have to think about my surroundings or care for the everyday life I see I pray that God shakes me up. I pray for all of us who prefer comfort but know that something unfinished is calling deeper. I pray for those of us who enjoy the simple routine of life but know that God's design is a holy pursuit of His passion that cannot be contained in a neat box. I approach the throne boldy and with confidence (even though the contradiction is that my knees are shaking) to ask God for guidance and opened doors and evident opportunities to seek His will, share His will and live life instead of just repeating the same old day.

I live where Satan resides.

So.... it's been a while. Almost a year. Tons of reasons why I haven't blogged and none of them important. Life has definitely gone in a different way than I thought or planned. Life, I'm beginning to realize, does that.
I live in Fayetteville now and teach at a middle school. I would still like to go to Africa. I haven't given up on that entirely. But I am realizing that God has different plans for me for right now. After several different interviews I got this job. Have you ever not wanted to do something but knew that you should? Or feel like you were fighting something that you knew would win? And not win because it was stronger, but win because it was right. That is me moving to Fayetteville. I've lived in three different places and visited more than twice that. Never have I felt such a feeling of discontent. Even the short spurts of Philly took some of my heart. Never did I picture myself in the flattest or hottest place on Earth. I know you think I am exaggerating, and I am. But I can't help it. Basically, never did I ever want to live in Fayetteville.
I've been here since August and there have definitely been ups and downs. It seems that there have been more downs than ups, but in reality it's been the opposite. See, although I am confident that Fayetteville is not my destination ( NOT EVEN CLOSE), I am sure that Fayetteville is a short (VERY SHORT) stop that God is using for me to not only show others how awesome a relationship with Him is, but to stretch and grow me closer to Him than I could ever imagine. What other place could I possibly be where I would have to FULLY DEPEND on God for sanity let alone everything else? Ok, that was a little sarcastic.
Truth is, I have really hit a low in my Fayetteville life. Which is why I appreciate my relationship with God. Which is why I can tell Satan to shove it and to shove off because I serve a MOST HIGH GOD. Which is why I say that I know that, even though I loathe this place (if Lot and his wife were leaving Fayetteville they could have grown old together (lightening...NOW)), I know this is where I am supposed to be. I don't know WHY. And that is okay with me. Because my God knows way more than me. And I can be comforted with just that. So Satan can attack but in the end, he can't win. Which means I won't be in his domain for long. :)