Running Alterations

I love running. I am not a fantastic runner. In fact, I am horrible at it. My running is a mixture of slogging (slow jog), spurts of energy, sweat and lots of heavy breathing. I started running this past summer. I have always really wanted to be healthier, to be more fit, to lose, oh I don't know, half my body size. Sometime this summer I started to feel really unsettled. I process hurt and pain horribly and when I found out my father would need heart surgery I came a little undone. I started stressing about things that were out of my control. Relationships, my father, work, etc. In any normal situation I would eat my stress away, but for some unknown reason I decided to run. I became obsessed with it. Especially in the beginning of the school year. I had discovered this AMAZING secret. Running takes all of my physical and emotional energy. It has the power to allow me to FEEL NOTHING. It was wonderful. Anytime I started to worry, or hurt, or wanted to cry, or started to feel any emotion that was discomforting I would just run until I felt nothing. It was liberating. It was almost like a drug.
I remember feeling what was almost like a panic attack at school on bad days and all I could think was that I just needed to get home to change to run. I couldn't drive home fast enough, change quick enough, before I was bolting out the door without so much as a hello to my family. I ran sometimes twice a day, early in the morning and as soon as I got home. I would run in the rain, in the cold, in the heat. I would run until I was soaked with my own sweat, until I thought I would pass out or puke. It was great. I loved feeling nothing.
Slowly though my life returned to some sort of normal. I began to dig deeper in God's Amazing Word. I began to focus more on others instead on my self. I became busy with work and other aspects of life and no longer felt the need to run. I still ran but not as much. I started to just run for pleasure. I did several 5K's and felt awesome afterward. Completely drained... but awesome. I realized that running had started out as an outlet but had become a pleasure. I stopped listening to music and used my running time as an opportunity to talk to God and just rest in His presence.
I went running today and it made me think of all this. I ran for fun, for exercise, for time with God alone. He gave me such a peace. I was moved to tears as I saw landscape that was so green and sky so blue. I appreciated the different shades and hues. How these gorgeous trees have lighter colored under leaves and how the wind blows them to create this awesome image that no artist will ever truly capture. I yearned for a mountainside. For tall rock and just stretches of God's handiwork for miles. I yearned for more of Him. And I realized that while I was dealing with my emotions the best way I knew how, He was softly chipping away the pieces of me that were in the way of His glory. The edges and sometimes deep parts that needed to be torn off, cut away so that light could shine through. It is definitely nothing I imagined. But His plans are far beyond my imagination. His comfort is far more sustaining than I could hope for. His palette is far more deeper and richer than any other artist. His healing and restoring is stronger than any plan I can compose for myself.
I am excited about this next section of my life. What will it bring? My goal is to not try to understand but simply to listen and follow. It won't always be easy. I know I will doubt. I know I will still choose the wrong idea or action at my weakest moments. But as I begin to understand more of God I begin to understand the person He has created me to be. And that is exciting.

Prayer requests:
safety and funds for the Philippines (YEAH, IM GOING!!!)
my parents
my school and it's teachers
Real Life

I am a Daughter of a King

Wow. Have you ever read a piece of scripture more than once and you still continue to get something out of it??? It is amazing. One of my favorite verses is John 21:25 where it says,
"Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."

That is so flippin neat! I mean, it is amazing that there was SO MUCH MORE that Jesus did that we don't have written down. PLUS!!!! We already continue to read what IS written down and we can continue to gain new insight from THAT scripture!

With all this said, I was reading John 13 the other day. I wanted to use the scripture where Jesus washes His disciples feet because I wanted to wash the feet of our church's praise team. (VERY COOL EXPERIENCE) I was reading the scripture and just had to stop and smile at a new discovery. Now you probably already were aware of this significance but let's look again!

"The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that HE HAD COME FROM GOD AND WAS RETURNING TO GOD; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist." John 13:2-4

Okay, so Jesus is getting ready to wash the disciples' feet. But look at what I capitalized in the scripture. Jesus knew who He was. He wasn't washing the feet to gain favor. He wasn't washing the feet to sway their opinions. He wasn't washing the feet to be popular or gain more friends or look good or make himself feel better or raise his status. HE KNEW WHO HE WAS.

I think sometimes, and I am totally guilty of this, we do things not just because they are the right thing to do, or because scripture says to, or because it is helpful, or because it will brighten someone's day; but we do things to gain approval, to gain popularity, to sway opinions, to make ourselves feel better. I'm not saying we all need a little boost once in a while but when we serve, WHERE IS OUR HEART?

I have sought out desperately over the past years a place in this world. A definition for who I am. I have struggled with acceptance, value of myself and I have spent years trying to be ok with me. In essence I have wasted time I could have spent serving and witnessing to self help myself. More and more I am coming to the understanding that I do not do things for this world or for myself. I do what I do because I am a daughter of a King. I am designed with a purpose to know Him and make Him known. He deserves my service and my praise. He created me to worship Him. I know that I have come from God and one day I will return to Him.

WOW. That alone is sooooo freeing! No more trying to gain favor with others. Because my identity is not with them. No more fretting about if my actions make me look less in people's eyes. Because in God's eyes I am simply His. No more clamoring for attention. Because all my attention belongs to my Heavenly Father. Lord I pray that my heart will continue to be tuned to You and Your desires.

Prayer Requests:
trip to the Philippines (go or no go?)
staff and students at OMS
Darrell and Robyn
Real Life Church

Rend Your Hearts

Wow. It has been a phenomenal Spring Break! I had much needed rest, saw great sights, enjoyed loved ones and just got a chance to recharge for the last 43 days of school left. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten to finish up the awesome take on Philip and the Eunuch, but I just wanted to take some time to just praise God.
Our community Easter worship service was great. The drama team did a presentation to "Why" by Nicole Nordeman. If you haven't heard the song, you should check it out. Very moving and powerful. They did such a great job, especially Ally (Robyn and Darrell's little girl, the family I live with). After church I was all packed and ready to head down to the beach to my "original" family. I was taking Kaylynn with me and we had a lot of fun! I was a tourist for once and more than ever I appreciate my hometown where I used to take it for granted.
I came back to Fayetteville and got to spend some much needed time with Ashlie and just relax for a few days. I've decided that I want to try to plant a garden at the place I will be staying this summer and I am really excited about finding out how all that works.
Saturday I traveled with some friends to Chapel Hill for the Blue/White spring football game which was a lot of fun. It was nice just to spend the day there walking around and talking with friends. I also ran into some college friends and got to hang out with my cousin and her boyfriend. The campus there is SOOOO beautiful!
Sunday was my final day for Spring Break and it was really refreshing. Church was amazing as always. Darrell had a great message. He is talking about "unplugged". Just simply getting back to the basics: God, family, loved ones. Such an awesome message. It was pretty cool because I am reading a book by Francis Chan and he was talking about that same thing and then my reading in scripture this morning was in Joel 2 and it is talking about people returning to God. In Joel he tells the people to 'rend their hearts' to God. I take it as a personal challenge that I gladly accept to just rend or break by heart in pieces for my Lord. I pray that I break so He can put me back together stronger and more useful Him. I seriously need to rend my heart and repent of my way of thinking on a lot of things. I listened to Jimmy Needham's song "Rend Your Heart". It is phenomenal. I had listened to it repeatedly this past fall when I was going through some heartbreak and it held a different meaning for me. Now I listen to it and I am so excited to throw away the varnish I keep trying to re-apply and to rend my heart for God.
I hope everyone has a great week! Rend your heart to God. Let Him direct your path!
Prayer Requests:
* my school and the teachers and students
*Real Life Church
*my anger, that God will give me the strength to forgive
*whether or not I should go to the Philippines this summer