You Are Worth It

Crazy the the ups and downs we experience.  I look back over the last two weeks and I have been just ridiculous in my annoying smiling and laughter.  Some times are just good like that.  I mean, who wouldn't be on cloud nine after a first time perfect experience of a Valentine who God designed for you? Or a surprise proposal that ended in tender whispers in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant? How about a phenomenal trip with the love of your life? A week where the students seem to be on a good pace of learning and just plain enjoyment? A Friday night that includes crazy videos, hilarious skits, too much pizza, just enough ice cream, and an amazing chat about who God is and how He loves with your very much beloved middle school girls? A time to sit and talk with a missed friend, roomate, sister? Worship one on one with a Father that created me to have a relationship with not only Him, but His children?  This has been my high.  My up.  I am beyond blessed and so amazed at the hand of God.

God doesn't always promise the ups though.  In fact, as my principal pointed out in devotion this morning, He asks us to endure hardship.  There are fights to be fought.  Races to be run.  Strength to draw from, meaning there are times of weakness. 

So as I am sitting here drained on a rainy Monday afternoon, I am not so shocked by the lows, but in a sense of complete brokeness in the face of the only God who can restore.  Starting last night I have felt the burden just a little heavier.  Pain for my students, hurt for my friends, a heaviness for the ones who just don't know the love of Christ.  It is almost unbearable.  It is almost a sense of hopelessness.  The thoughts are relentless of all the injustice, all of the misconceptions, all of the misguidance.  The end seems so far and out of reach.  The desperate need for the saturation of the Holy Spirit is overwhelming. 

There is nothing else to do. Nothing but to fall on my face. Not as an act or show. Not as a ritual or timed maneuver.  But as a pure desperate act of faith and trust. It was what I was created for.  To fall at my Father's feet and surrender the fears and pain so that He can take over and be the strength in my weakness. So that His glory can be shown and given full credit.  Because He is worth it.
This song by rita Springer is AMAZING.  And so right.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVmR0jV52A

I'm ENGAGED!!!

Well, the title pretty much sums it up.  I'M ENGAGED!!! I don't think I could really put enough exlamation points behind that to justly explain how I feel. I am on cloud infinity. I am over the moon and then again.  Basically, I am trying to tell you that I am HAPPY.  You know that contagious sickness that you see people with and try to avoid? You know the type.  You can sense this sweet, sticky sunshine before you even turn around. Then as you slowly turn your head, there is a brilliance of light that is radiating from the person's aura.  It is blinding.  Whatever mouth situation they have going on, it doesn't matter because the joy that sings out of their skin diverts any scary dental nightmare.  Their eyes are like deep whirlpools of candylands, waterparks and any favorite summer delight you treasured and thought was lost as a kid.  It is mesmerizing.  The happiness that oozes from them is intriguing. You want to, but you don't. You want to, but something holds you back.  Maybe it is the sensible side of you that realizes if you entertain this person, their story -o- happiness will be on replay as you stuff your pillow over your face that night.  The air is lighter around them.  If you don't blink, you will see a recreation of Snow White's enchanted living complete with singing birds that do dishes.  They gush about their newfound love.  Whether it be person, job, house, child, etc. And then whatever they are happy about, they insist you find it too.  All the rest of us know to let this person calm down. 

PS- I am this person.  And I am not calming down.

There Will Be Days Like This...

The song that is running around in my mind right now is that old song that goes, "Momma said there would be days like this, there'd be days like this my momma said."  I have already cried, lost my temper, and thought of many different things I would rather be doing than being lashed out at by a student.  I don't like this feeling of losing control. It's been a little crazy today.  And somedays are like that. 
In this moment of detachment to restore a sense of self,  I hold in a very clingy, fetal fashion to my God.  Mainly because He is the only One who is going to restore me to sanity for another day.  He is the only One who can tell me that it is not based on my feelings that I took this job or love these kids.  It is the calling that He has placed on my life to be at this opportunity at this time to carry out His works and pass down His love and promises to children who don't know. 
I just wanted to take a break to type that out.  To remind myself when the next day comes.  Right now I need to meet individually with the students God has given me to care for in a loving way.  I need to see what I can do to be better at what I do.  I need to reorganize my thoughts.  I need to give them a plan so they don't feel so threatened by chaos.  I also need to tell some of them to get over themselves.  Much like I was told when I thought everyone was out to get me.
I love these kids.  I love these kids.  I truly love these kids.  Even on the days like this.