50 First Dates

So this is totally random and weird and just cliche, but I am about to use a movie as an example for God's love for us.

I know everyone has marketed that area of Godly teaching. I realize there are tons of references to God through t-shirts with logos that look suspiciously like Mountain Dew, Twilight, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that there are movies and books galore with plot lines that model the plight of our world and how Jesus saves (which He does, by the way). I just look at this as my little symbolic gesture of understanding Jesus through modern pop culture... and I just thought it was cool when I was thinking about it.

I was watching 50 First Dates. It is a really good movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. As soon as it was over I did what any person without a life or a family does on a Wednesday night during the holidays: I got on facebook to let the world know how much I loved this movie. ( I have to update my life at least twice daily through facebook or it doesn't count and I will disappear from this reality... I also get mad props for using text language like "lol" in my posts...)

Anyway, the movie is about this girl that has memory issues. She was in an accident and can only remember up to a certain day and basically keeps reliving that day over and over thanks to her brother and father who keep perpetuating the illusion. The guy, Adam Sandler, basically tries to get her to fall in love with him all over every day. The reason it is such a great movie is because it appeals to both sexes. It is funny and endearing, but honestly, what girl doesn't want a guy to spend his day every day reminding her why they are in love? And what guy for that matter wouldn't jump at the opportunity to do or say stupid things knowing the girl is going to forget all the bad stuff the next morning? It is like a fresh start.

I mulled over this and then my relationship with God kind of popped in my head. So here is the big God symbolism. Although it is different in the respect that God is the man AND the woman in this plot. See, God desires me daily. Daily He is telling me that He wants me to choose Him. Yet at the same time He is able to look at me through the blood of Jesus Christ and see me new and clean, spotless. Day after day He is capable of that.

Now I know that God is amazing. That He is all-powerful. But it is still a little daunting to think that after years of abuse, neglect and indifference I show Him, that He would bother to call me His child. That He would bat an eye in my direction. That He is capable of not only healing me physically, but of healing the sin within me. That is some powerful stuff there.

So there is my quick analogy. My far-out reach with a Godly connection to raunchy comedy mixed in with a love story. In fact the Greatest Love Story ever known.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Amen

Wait For It... Wait For It...

Well hello blog world. I know it has been a few but...

Oh life. It is a lot of things. Lately it has felt very rushed, drained, pushed, shoved and basically limited in all aspects. Never is there a moment just to be still. To breathe. Until this Thanksgiving break.

The funny thing is that I create all of that. Sometimes I am fascinated by my brain. Because

1. It acts like it is on SPEED

2. It moves at a faster pace than my soul

3. It is super creative in the fact that it knows how to keep me active/busy 24/7

4. It can really only be shut down with music

You know that you need a break or something is seriously wrong with you when your body starts to have a mini-panic attack at the BEGINNING of a break or weekend because it is already counting down the hours you have left instead of enjoying the hours to come.

That is me pretty much. I go ALL THE TIME. I do ALL THE TIME. I act ALL THE TIME. I am the person that listens to the songs that talk about being still in God's presence and I cry because I desperately want that yet I start to calculate and fit a time for God into my schedule. I am the person that wakes up early to spend time with God in His Word and I try to guesstimate the time it will take to spend with God so I can get my hair dry, coffee made and stuff packed before I leave for work so I won't be later than I want to be. I am the person that sits quietly in God's presence trying to wait patiently in silence because I owe Him more than that, and five minutes in I am asking God "Are we there yet?" "I have to go to the bathroom."

Why? Am I secretly ADD? Not really. It is because this world is fast-paced. Everything is go, go, go. As an individual I create things to keep me busy. As a pleaser I constantly seek opportunities to be acknowledged. It is a sick obsession and confession but there it is.

Patience? I don't truly know the meaning of that word yet. And I sure know that you should never pray for it. Because then God would of course help you learn it. Hopefully there is a lesson on tape. So I can do something else while I am half-listening. Or maybe some cliff-notes so I can get the gist and move on...

I do love how God constantly reminds me that He wants me to slow down. He uses friends, music and most of all His Living Word. I was reading in Exodus today about the escape across the Red Sea. So fascinating. I was forcing myself to read with purpose because OF COURSE I had read this account tons of times. However, this morning I read something I never noticed before. In chapter 14 verse 14 God speaks to Moses. Everyone is freaking out because they ASSUME God has led them to their deaths. God speaks to them and says (ARE YOU READY??? CUZ THIS IS SOOO COOL!!!!), "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. wow. Now of course it doesn't mean you sit around waiting for things to happen. The very next verse God is telling Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on!" Which I find extremely funny and uplifting because although I am going constantly in my life, I tend to gravitate and GO back to the same thing before. I love that God yells at me from heaven, "Hey Jenn! Why are you stuck on that same mess? MOVE ON! GO! Don't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself!" Which I totally need like EVERY OTHER SECOND of my day.

But still I keep coming back to verse 14. How amazing. I just feel Him saying, "Jenn. I love you. I am going to do amazing things to show my glory. Believing in Me is going to be rough. Have faith. I have your back. You need only to be still. You need only to know that I am Lord. You need only to stay firm in your grounding that I have covered every inch of your sinful nature with My blood so that you could have this moment to proclaim My Name and be in My courts. You need only to trust Me because I am Your Father, Creator, Ordainer, Counselor, Protector and Redeemer."

Thanks. Thank You God. Thank You for Your living Word. Thank You for the cross. Thanks for lessons in how to "be still" and know that You are God.

I Wish I Were the Rain...

I love the rain. There is just something soothing about the sound as it falls outside. I have been one of those crazy people that go out in the rain just to soak it up. I don't mind when it rains and I am on a hike. I don't mind (or at least I can laugh about it) if it rains while I am camping. I don't get bothered by the drops as I go from place to car or car to place. I have never been one to rush to an overhang or other type of shelter. I stroll through the wet beaded curtains. Rain is glorious. It is calming. It is steady even if the pace shifts. It washes away dirt. It cools heated sidewalks. It nourishes dry fields. I am so thankful for rain. Thank you God for rain. There is a song by Shedaisy that just adequately describes the effects that rain can have:

Don't you wish that you could live outside the insane

Don't you ever wish, for a free reign

Cuz it can fall as hard as it wants to

gingerly drip down a lover's face

cry for hours and weeks on end and never

feel a bit, out of place

It can feed a field, put out a fire, and never feel the pain

I wish I were the rain...

Thank you God for rain. :)

When God Speaks, I Want To Be Waiting...

I have shared this with a lot of people already. Pretty much anyone that will listen. I will read scripture sometimes and just thrust it in other people's faces as if to say, "DO YOU GET WHAT I AM GETTING???" It is because I am so excited over what I have read. Maybe I am reading it for the first time or maybe the one hundredth time and I get a new meaning from God's living and breathing Word. I know I get kind of psycho animated and speedtalk when I try to share what I have just read. I go into this frenzy where you just HAVE to understand what I see because it is so eye-opening for me that I just can't keep it to myself and far be it from me to hold it back from you if it could do the same for you. Anyway, I want to share.

Lately I have been struggling. It's an underwater struggle. You know the kind. Where you think you have this great hold on something that is difficult and you do a pretty good job of keeping the surface calm. The exterior looks stretched sometimes, but not too shabby. It's only every once in a while when you believe the calm that you are relaxed enough to really let the struggle start to win. And a struggle underwater is hard! First of all, you can't breathe. Second of all, it is in an environment that you are not normally in so you don't have the upperhand. Not a good situation.

So my underwater struggle is starting to get the upperhand. I am fighting like crazy, but I'm also panicking because I am running out of air. At the same time I hear in the back of my mind: you're uncomfortable, that's good; you're unfinished, I'm not done with you yet; you're undone, fall into My arms where there is rest and healing.

I am also still reading in Genesis and I read the account of when God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. WOW. This is where it gets good! (It's God's WORD. How can it NOT be good?)

22:1 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.” 2 He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” (ESV)

Look at that. WOW. God speaks (SPEAKS) to Abraham and he is totally there. Like he was waiting by the phone. I love it. I want to do that. Then God says for Abraham to take his son. But He says it 4 times in 4 different ways. There is the generic, "take your son" which is general. Then He adds, "your ONLY son" implying that God knows this is personal. God knows that this son is the promised son. The one that Abraham spent years praying and waiting for to come. He then calls his son by name. God points out that He intimately knows Isaac as well. He has been there through every scraped knee, every birthday cake that was smashed in the face, every bedtime story. He knows. Then he says, "whom. you. love." WOW! Really? GOD KNOWS. God knows the depth of my feelings. He loves as well. More than I ever could. He cares.

Now this is not a new concept. I have known that God cares for most of my life. Nothing new. But it IS NEW. I can't explain it. IT MATTERS. I am in awe that an almighty and powerful God cares for me enough to know my heart. That He cares enough for the ones I love to know their hearts. That He cares enough for the people I can't stand to know their hearts as well.

I don't need to keep my surface calm. Because God knows my pain.
I don't need to struggle underwater. Because God knows my fear and weakness.
I don't need to worry about the future. Because God knows my heart's desires.
I don't need to mourn over my losses alone. Because God knows the depth of my heart.
I don't need to be afraid of the unknown. Because God knows what I do not.
I don't need to be concerned with my loves. Because God loves them more than I do.

It's not always pretty. It's not always what I think is best. It's not always the way I would have done it. But God KNOWS. Not only that but HE CARES. Enough to call me by name. I pray for full obedience to a knowing and loving God.

One Year RADICAL Experiment

I just finished reading this awesome book. It's called "Radical" by David Platt. Pretty amazing. He makes amazing points and backs it up with scripture. In the book he talks about many things (most are hard to swallow and own up to) and then at the end he gives out a challenge to commit to a year of living radically. So for year I have committed to the following things:

1) Pray for the entire world
I know this sounds cliche. I mean, of course we pray for and think about the whole world, but do we really? I don't. I want to. I plan to. But I never DO. In Matthew 9 Jesus tells his disciples to pray for people to be sent to spread the Word. I don't want to randomly send up words for world peace and think I have done my duty. I want to fervently pray for specific needs all over the country and globe and I want pressing needs to be placed on my heart for people (maybe myself) that will be mobilized to venture out across the waters to places that are not safe and not yet reached.

2) Read through the entire word
This is something I have never done. Frankly, I have never ever been a fan of the "read the Bible in a year" fan club. I always thought it was ridiculous and not heart-felt at all. It seemed like another mundane task instead of soaking up God's Word. But you can't pick and choose Words of Life that are God-breathed. You can't say, "Oh, I can tell you what God said about loving others and being kind to each other, but I thought the whole 'Fear Me' thing was a bit redundant in the Old Testament, so I can't recall a lot." I want to search and discover what God designed from the start of life, not just the warm, fuzzy pieces that I choose. I have really been thinking about this one since January when one of my friends decided to read the Bible in a Year. I wasn't in agreement, but it made me start to rethink my judgement. In 2 Timothy it tells us that the Word is able to equip, protect and a whole bunch of stuff. I think I should give His Words a little more thought.

3) Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose
Whew. This is a tough one. I feel, like most true Americans, that I never have enough. Even when I know I am totally blessed. Never have I made a sacrifice that is monetary and completely on faith. But isn't all that I have ever received a gift from God? Something that has never belonged to me? A lot of roadblock I build up in this area is the ridicule and 'she's out of her mind' looks and lectures that have come from past experiences of talk or action of "reckless giving". One should look after themselves first right? Make sure that they have a good savings to fall on. Money for retirement. All of that. I hear it constantly. And it isn't that I don't understand. Or even agree on some comfort level. But I know I was not designed to build up worldly treasures for myself or my loved ones. So despite my fears I want to step out radically in this department. I have so much. I not only have to sacrifice the things of comfort and safety that I want or feel I need, but I also have to lay my finances in God's capable hands. I have debt that I need to take care of so I can give MORE. Sadly this will probably be one of the hardest of the five tasks this year. I pray that God will guide my decisions and that I won't be led astray by the scoffers or worriers. In Matthew 6 it says that where my treasure is, there my heart will also be.

4) Spend my time in another context
The great send-off, great go-getter, great "get your butt up and movin" speech in Matthew says to go into alll corners of the world. So for one week I am going to spend my time out of my comfort zone. I am going to use my talent in a foreign land. This could lead to a life committment, a yearly venture or open doors to other opportunities. I have no idea. I just know that I need to go. That I need to see. That I need to be there in person to let someone across the globe know that God loves them and I want to tell them in person because it matters so much that they hear. It's not only a pull of my heart for some time, but a command ( NOT OPTION) that God gives me so that all the world will hear.

5) Commit my life to a multiplying community
This might be the second hardest. I need to look around me and realize that the place I live is full of need. The community I drive around in daily needs to know that God loves them and there is a Savior just as much as the African tribe in the jungle or the orphanage in Russia. The children I teach need to know that there is someone that is stable, commanding, loving, everlasting, who keeps His promises over and over, who is firm, who forgives and who saves. I have sadly WASTED two years in a place where I could have been proclaiming His name and instead was loving mediocrity between this world and what I have been created for. I have been lukewarm. I have been half alive. What an insult to the One who desperately loves me and gave His life for me.

So I want to be radical. I want to be different. I'm not sure the details of what that looks like. But I know I am promised persecution. I know I am promised mockery and hatred and rejection. I know I am also promised life in abundance and a reward that is far greater than I can imagine.

In the Bible there is a verse that says, "Do not be afraid of those that can kill the body but not the soul. Rather be afraid of the One that can destroy both body and soul." Matthew 10:28

The worst the world can do is kill me.

At Just the Right Time...

So I am a planner of sorts. Some of you laugh because you have seen my plans and heard my plans and then witness what I don't accomplish with those plans. Some of you laugh because you know of my list of plans and my various plans according to season, holiday or other. Regardless of my plans, I am a planner. In fact, while I was wasting time sitting in my college classes (second to back, near the wall) I would plan my life out. Partly because I am a girl and partly because I am a girly-girl, I would sit in the back while organizational psychology droned on, and I would plan my life. Sadly, I would get out a sheet of paper and start with my age and label down the page important events that would take place at the appropriate interval. Unlike most girls I had planned to marry later and have kids later, but it all pretty much looked the same. I would meet my husband after college, we would date for a year, we would have a short (SHORT) engagement and we wouldn't have kids for another two of three years after we were married. Then the kids would come, sometimes I planned two years like clockwork, occasionally I would plan 3 or 4 years in between. If class was super long I would look at my planned life according to my grandkids. It really passed the time...

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on my mood), life has not lived up to my mediocre, monotonous planned parenting/family/paper life. I used to be sad about this. It still kind of grates as I watch more and more of my loved ones get married and pregnant. But through a lot of my reading and time with God lately, He is showing me fantastic things. Things I can't even define or put my finger on yet, but have given me an uncontrollable excitement about my life in His hands.

For instance, just today I was reading in this book (Radical by David Platt AMAZING!!!) and I was reading Romans. For what felt like the first time. I mean, REALLY reading it. And there are these verses that are just soooooo amazing. Journey with me!

In Romans 4:17 Paul talks about Abraham and his amazing faith. And the verse goes on to say "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were."

What a strange verse! I mean, I understand what he is talking about with the life to the dead part, but the second part really got me and I wanted to know more. The side reference called for 1Corinthians 1:28, so I ventured there. "He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."

What an awesome insight into how Christ has designed us to live! Not this planned out version on paper, but a life where all of us is given up for His glory so that we are nothing so His glory can be the only thing that is seen. I can't even think of the right combination of letters on this keyboard to express what I am feeling. Only that I am excited! I am excited for a life that is more than a flat piece of paper. I am excited for a life that shows God is God and I am not as I continue to rely on His holiness to lead the way instead of my meager attempts of scheduling. I am excited about seeing God's grace for an unsaved lost world as I venture past the house, the car, the husband, the kids that my heart desires to new possibilities of what God desires for my heart to yearn for as I disciple and learn. I AM EXCITED!! With that, I leave you with an awesome verse that shows God's ultimate love and His perfect timing!

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." - Romans 5:6

New Things, New Ideas

So I don't really like change. Most of you who know me, know this. In fact most of you who know me know that that statement is an understatement. That when change happens, no matter how much I am prepared for it, I become very stressed, very anxious and very agitated. I do it now like second nature. Unless I make the change happen or cause it on purpose in some way, I freak out. It's all part of my mild OCD. Those of you who know me know about that understatement as well. However, it has become my goal to NOT be opposed to change. Slowly things have come to mind that have made me realize that to fully rely on God, to be in His hands on purpose with a commitment to Him in mind, I should be open to change. Especially change that is not initiated by me.

I also realize it is time to start focusing more on what God has been trying to tell me instead of my own selfish desires.

I know this my be one of my shortest posts and probably one of my most vague. Strangely I am not really ready to delve into all that God is revealing to me. It is a very tender place for me. One that I want to be willing to jump head first into, but one that I am very much uncomfortable in treading. I feel like for the first time I am actually going to places I am not sure of and therefore, really don't know what to say except that God has amazing plans.

I want to be bold. I want to love God and people like crazy. I want to want all of Him even when I don't feel like doing it. I want to be seen as weird and not right and not of this world. I can't have it all in my viewpoint, but I can have all I need in His hands. God keep me focused on that.

prayer requests:
a friend who is hurting
Real Life Church
our growing youth
my school, the teachers, and the students
a friend who is troubled
YEAH!!! my mom got the job! my family needs prayer for their new life style adjustment.

Do I WANT to Believe the Truth???

Here are some great little snippets from Galatians 5:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - 5:1

"For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." - 5:6

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you." - 5:7

I love that last one. Maybe because it deals with a race, and currently I am trying to make it my summer goal to run a 10k. Or maybe because sometimes I feel like this verse. I feel like I am on the "right" path. That I am making good choices, I have a great attitude, I haven't sinned in 4.5 days, I have taken all my vitamins and then BAM! Something happens and I feel the bitterness, the injustice, the unfairness, the unequality of life seep into my soul and I start to resent, to doubt, to scramble around for a filler for the emptiness.

I was running a good race! I was feeling great! My time was awesome and the day was sunny but cooling. Who in the WORLD cut in on me??? Who just sped up, dropped right in front of me and started a slow crawl?? The audacity. Now I have to circle around. Now I have to work extra hard. Now I have to find a different path. NOT COMFORTABLE! NOT OK!

Or maybe I was running this great race and the water stand not only had water, but had other goodies as well. And the helper that was passing them out was very convincing that I should just not finish this race. There would be other races. There would be another opportunity. There would be another moment where I could shine. Why rush NOW? Why not just do it halfway like I have done in the past? Why not just take a break from the race? I can pick it back up later right? That kind of persuasion did not come from the ONE who had set me on the course in the first place. That kind of persuasion is a lie. That kind of persuasion is not the truth.

I know those last two statements are not necessary. Clearly if something is a lie then it is not the truth. But do we really know that? Do we really see that for what it is? Sometimes I don't. Slowly I am starting to understand that there is a difference and I am starting to make sure I am aware of it. I start to run the race and I feel good and then I get persuaded that I should stop and make other things my priority. But it is a LIE. Who cut in on me? Sometimes it is work, sometimes a friend, sometimes the overriding desire to be in a relationship, sometimes it is me. I want to start surrounding myself with TRUTH.

Lie: I need someone to be with because I am alone.
Truth: My God will never leave me nor forsake me. He knows the desires of my heart.

Lie: I can't accomplish anything.
Truth: When I am weak, His strength is shown. He will give me what I need to accomplish His will.

Lie: I need things in this world and people's approval.
Truth: My God is sufficient. He supplies all my needs.

The list goes on. Time and time again something or someone tries to persuade me. And time and time again God reminds me of His truth. I just have to believe it. And I do.

Prayer Requests:
my mom searching for a job
Real Life Church
Darrell and Robyn selling the house
my summer plans
Josh in Cambodia
Overhills Middle staff and students

Running Alterations

I love running. I am not a fantastic runner. In fact, I am horrible at it. My running is a mixture of slogging (slow jog), spurts of energy, sweat and lots of heavy breathing. I started running this past summer. I have always really wanted to be healthier, to be more fit, to lose, oh I don't know, half my body size. Sometime this summer I started to feel really unsettled. I process hurt and pain horribly and when I found out my father would need heart surgery I came a little undone. I started stressing about things that were out of my control. Relationships, my father, work, etc. In any normal situation I would eat my stress away, but for some unknown reason I decided to run. I became obsessed with it. Especially in the beginning of the school year. I had discovered this AMAZING secret. Running takes all of my physical and emotional energy. It has the power to allow me to FEEL NOTHING. It was wonderful. Anytime I started to worry, or hurt, or wanted to cry, or started to feel any emotion that was discomforting I would just run until I felt nothing. It was liberating. It was almost like a drug.
I remember feeling what was almost like a panic attack at school on bad days and all I could think was that I just needed to get home to change to run. I couldn't drive home fast enough, change quick enough, before I was bolting out the door without so much as a hello to my family. I ran sometimes twice a day, early in the morning and as soon as I got home. I would run in the rain, in the cold, in the heat. I would run until I was soaked with my own sweat, until I thought I would pass out or puke. It was great. I loved feeling nothing.
Slowly though my life returned to some sort of normal. I began to dig deeper in God's Amazing Word. I began to focus more on others instead on my self. I became busy with work and other aspects of life and no longer felt the need to run. I still ran but not as much. I started to just run for pleasure. I did several 5K's and felt awesome afterward. Completely drained... but awesome. I realized that running had started out as an outlet but had become a pleasure. I stopped listening to music and used my running time as an opportunity to talk to God and just rest in His presence.
I went running today and it made me think of all this. I ran for fun, for exercise, for time with God alone. He gave me such a peace. I was moved to tears as I saw landscape that was so green and sky so blue. I appreciated the different shades and hues. How these gorgeous trees have lighter colored under leaves and how the wind blows them to create this awesome image that no artist will ever truly capture. I yearned for a mountainside. For tall rock and just stretches of God's handiwork for miles. I yearned for more of Him. And I realized that while I was dealing with my emotions the best way I knew how, He was softly chipping away the pieces of me that were in the way of His glory. The edges and sometimes deep parts that needed to be torn off, cut away so that light could shine through. It is definitely nothing I imagined. But His plans are far beyond my imagination. His comfort is far more sustaining than I could hope for. His palette is far more deeper and richer than any other artist. His healing and restoring is stronger than any plan I can compose for myself.
I am excited about this next section of my life. What will it bring? My goal is to not try to understand but simply to listen and follow. It won't always be easy. I know I will doubt. I know I will still choose the wrong idea or action at my weakest moments. But as I begin to understand more of God I begin to understand the person He has created me to be. And that is exciting.

Prayer requests:
safety and funds for the Philippines (YEAH, IM GOING!!!)
my parents
my school and it's teachers
Real Life

I am a Daughter of a King

Wow. Have you ever read a piece of scripture more than once and you still continue to get something out of it??? It is amazing. One of my favorite verses is John 21:25 where it says,
"Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."

That is so flippin neat! I mean, it is amazing that there was SO MUCH MORE that Jesus did that we don't have written down. PLUS!!!! We already continue to read what IS written down and we can continue to gain new insight from THAT scripture!

With all this said, I was reading John 13 the other day. I wanted to use the scripture where Jesus washes His disciples feet because I wanted to wash the feet of our church's praise team. (VERY COOL EXPERIENCE) I was reading the scripture and just had to stop and smile at a new discovery. Now you probably already were aware of this significance but let's look again!

"The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that HE HAD COME FROM GOD AND WAS RETURNING TO GOD; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist." John 13:2-4

Okay, so Jesus is getting ready to wash the disciples' feet. But look at what I capitalized in the scripture. Jesus knew who He was. He wasn't washing the feet to gain favor. He wasn't washing the feet to sway their opinions. He wasn't washing the feet to be popular or gain more friends or look good or make himself feel better or raise his status. HE KNEW WHO HE WAS.

I think sometimes, and I am totally guilty of this, we do things not just because they are the right thing to do, or because scripture says to, or because it is helpful, or because it will brighten someone's day; but we do things to gain approval, to gain popularity, to sway opinions, to make ourselves feel better. I'm not saying we all need a little boost once in a while but when we serve, WHERE IS OUR HEART?

I have sought out desperately over the past years a place in this world. A definition for who I am. I have struggled with acceptance, value of myself and I have spent years trying to be ok with me. In essence I have wasted time I could have spent serving and witnessing to self help myself. More and more I am coming to the understanding that I do not do things for this world or for myself. I do what I do because I am a daughter of a King. I am designed with a purpose to know Him and make Him known. He deserves my service and my praise. He created me to worship Him. I know that I have come from God and one day I will return to Him.

WOW. That alone is sooooo freeing! No more trying to gain favor with others. Because my identity is not with them. No more fretting about if my actions make me look less in people's eyes. Because in God's eyes I am simply His. No more clamoring for attention. Because all my attention belongs to my Heavenly Father. Lord I pray that my heart will continue to be tuned to You and Your desires.

Prayer Requests:
trip to the Philippines (go or no go?)
staff and students at OMS
Darrell and Robyn
Real Life Church

Rend Your Hearts

Wow. It has been a phenomenal Spring Break! I had much needed rest, saw great sights, enjoyed loved ones and just got a chance to recharge for the last 43 days of school left. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten to finish up the awesome take on Philip and the Eunuch, but I just wanted to take some time to just praise God.
Our community Easter worship service was great. The drama team did a presentation to "Why" by Nicole Nordeman. If you haven't heard the song, you should check it out. Very moving and powerful. They did such a great job, especially Ally (Robyn and Darrell's little girl, the family I live with). After church I was all packed and ready to head down to the beach to my "original" family. I was taking Kaylynn with me and we had a lot of fun! I was a tourist for once and more than ever I appreciate my hometown where I used to take it for granted.
I came back to Fayetteville and got to spend some much needed time with Ashlie and just relax for a few days. I've decided that I want to try to plant a garden at the place I will be staying this summer and I am really excited about finding out how all that works.
Saturday I traveled with some friends to Chapel Hill for the Blue/White spring football game which was a lot of fun. It was nice just to spend the day there walking around and talking with friends. I also ran into some college friends and got to hang out with my cousin and her boyfriend. The campus there is SOOOO beautiful!
Sunday was my final day for Spring Break and it was really refreshing. Church was amazing as always. Darrell had a great message. He is talking about "unplugged". Just simply getting back to the basics: God, family, loved ones. Such an awesome message. It was pretty cool because I am reading a book by Francis Chan and he was talking about that same thing and then my reading in scripture this morning was in Joel 2 and it is talking about people returning to God. In Joel he tells the people to 'rend their hearts' to God. I take it as a personal challenge that I gladly accept to just rend or break by heart in pieces for my Lord. I pray that I break so He can put me back together stronger and more useful Him. I seriously need to rend my heart and repent of my way of thinking on a lot of things. I listened to Jimmy Needham's song "Rend Your Heart". It is phenomenal. I had listened to it repeatedly this past fall when I was going through some heartbreak and it held a different meaning for me. Now I listen to it and I am so excited to throw away the varnish I keep trying to re-apply and to rend my heart for God.
I hope everyone has a great week! Rend your heart to God. Let Him direct your path!
Prayer Requests:
* my school and the teachers and students
*Real Life Church
*my anger, that God will give me the strength to forgive
*whether or not I should go to the Philippines this summer

Our Perception is a Little Skewed...

There is this awesome passage in the Bible in Acts about Philip. There is this Ethiopian eunuch that is riding in a carriage on his way to worship. So God tells Philip to go over to the carriage. Philip goes over to the carriage and overhears the eunuch reading a passage from Isaiah. Philip then asks him if he understands what he is reading and the eunuch replys, "How can I understand what I am reading unless someone explains it to me?" (Acts 8:31).

Now, this isn't even the whole story and already there is some amazing things to consider and take away from this scripture. For instance, the fact that the eunuch was on his way to worship. That is so cool. See, we as a "Christian" society still assume that if you go to church, you have a pretty good idea about who God is. Let alone, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I feel like this simple sentence alone has so much signifigance in our world today. We see people in church all the time and we don't take the time to find out more. They are at church, so obviously they have their stuff together, right? Not always. Or we see people worshipping and we assume they know it all. Clearly, if they love God enough to worship Him then they have it all together. If that same person were to ask a question about scripture or God's design for them, we might be a bit taken aback. Even though we talk about continuous growth or the fact that people will never obtain a level of perfection, in the back of most of our minds we are still waiting for that moment when we have it all together, when we know all that we need to. In fact, some of us refuse to do things until we obtain all the knowledge we need. How many times have you heard the following:

We can't date/get engaged/ get married/ have children/ buy a house/ ect. word vomit/ until we are stable financially/spiritually/ mentally/ etc. word vomit.

I can't serve God in the mission field/ in my work/ with my friends/ in my home/ etc. word vomit until I have read all there is to read of Christ/ prayed until my mind explodes/ received a certificate detailing my knowledge of Christ/ gone through 25 courses, had 6 laying of the hands and 5 blessings from licensed priests/ etc. word vomit.

The Bible says that the eunuch was on his way to worship! He wasn't aware of a clear picture of who Christ was. He may not have understood all that God had designed for him, but he knew there was more out there. He was on his way to worship and searching within the scripture of Isaiah for more. He was thirsty for Living Water. He wasn't waiting for someone to tell him how to worship or what verse to read. He was waiting for his mind to be prepared for what lie in store. He wasn't postponing his life for steps that happen when YOU START LIVING. He just was simply starting.

AHHHHH!!! So this is just the first part of all the awesomeness. I mean, we haven't even gotten to the part where Philip speaks up because he chose to obey God and be in the place where God placed him (which, by the way, was a wilderness road in the middle of the heat of the day. Can we say UNCOMFORTABLE and maybe NOT OUR IDEA OF A PLACE TO SERVE?????) But I want to really chew on this story for a while and get all that I can from the scripture so I'm saving the rest for the rest of the week. What I want to focus on right now is how our perception of how things should be done might be a little off.

Maybe, just maybe, when God said to love Me and then love your neighbor: HE MEANT JUST THAT. Not love Me, but before you do, make sure you have read up on Me and know My ins and outs. Not love your neighbor, but before you do, make sure you have your own heart completely perfect, your likes and preferences are similiar to your neighbor and you take a shower first (although the shower would be some common sense and courtesy people!). Just to simply love Me and love your neighbor. As in right now. As in, you don't need a refresher course or your finances in order or your ten point life plan at point number 7. JUST DO IT.

I look at the eunuch and I am in awe. He didn't understand all that scripture had to say. But he knew that there was a powerful God that deserved worship. And so that is what he was going to do. Despite the fact the world told him he wasn't ready yet. Whether he converted to Judaism a while back or was just getting started, he jumped in.

How many times have I held back because I thought I wasn't ready or didn't have it all together? And how many times have I not gone and worshipped and denied something my Savior DERSEVES because I thought I didn't understand the scripture or I couldn't keep up with the music????

Your Love Never Fails

There are always things that are constant in our lives. For example, I know that as soon as my classes switch I will ALWAYS have the three MINIMUM students that will approach me where I stand, lean in, say my name over and over and ask me what we are doing today in class. It never fails. NEVER EVER. No matter how many times I remind the class that our outline is always on the board. Or how I explain how the next hour will go. Or the fact that they have practically the same routine since August. IT NEVER FAILS. It is a constant I wish would go away.

Then there is the constant that life will let you down. A Debbie Downer, I know. I don't say this to be mean or pessimistic I promise. But it always ends up that myself or someone else is will have a bad day, try to retrace what went wrong and get frustrated that life doesn't understand our need for fulfillment or efficiency. Somehow life didn't get the memo that we already have this great plan for ourselves. We have this idea of how others should behave toward us. We know exactly how traffic could be solved if everyone would drive as we do. Does the lady in Walmart not CHECK her 50 photo frames to make sure there are proper working barcodes? And does she NOT realize that I am running late and really just need a role of masking tape for a lesson I just made up in my head when I woke up that morning??? Does the house not understand that today was NOT THE DAY to have plumbing issues, AC malfunctions or sticky locks? Life letting us down never fails. Unfortunately.

So what then? Darrell preached an amazing sermon this past Sunday from Philemon. This is prolly my FAVORITE series so far that he has done. Which is saying a lot I think since all of his series have been mind-blowing and God-filled. And the fact that this 3 part series comes from a single chapter. He preached about several things but one thing he pointed out was how we can get so caught up in focusing on the negative. It's everywhere! How our thoughts can be consumed with negative aspects of our lives. But God says to take all of our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Which can be soooooo hard! The idea of how many thoughts that are NOT obedient to Christ that run through my mind on an hourly basis is shameful. The verse on ceaseless prayer really comes to mind as I ask myself how to keep my thoughts in line and ask the Holy Spirit to redirect me. Whew. Good grief.

Fortunately for me there is the greatest constant of all. God. SO CONSTANT in His faithful love to me. How undeserving I am of His love that is lavished upon me. How unappreciative I am of His constant whispers and interceding devotion. How forgetful I am of His ability to know far better than I ever will. To make all things work together for my good. To allow me to enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart and His courts with praise. To let me serve something that is higher and greater than myself. God thank You for the opportunity and privilege. Thank you for the constant goodness in my life. I pray that I become more aware of that than of the negative.

"You stay the same through the ages, Your love never changes, there might be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning! And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that You love me, and Your love never fails." - Jesus Culture

How Far?

How far should we go? How much should we help? Lately I have been thinking about how we help people in need. People we know that are hurting. People that we have never met that have substantial needs that we can meet and choose not to.

I gave a bellringer to my class. The question was "What can you do to help Haiti?" I had one student raise his hand and ask, "what if you don't think we should help Haiti?" I told him to explain why he thought that. His answer was that we shouldn't help them because they have never done anything for us. I told him he was entitled to his opinion, but it bothered me. It bothered me that myself and a rising generation tends to look for what we can gain from helping others. It is always a give-take. Or at least an IOU situation. I will help you, but you better remember that I did. What does God say?

It's awesome how He is showing my things that tie in to my life and how I live it out. I finished Hosea a couple days ago and decided to read Amos. I have never read Amos and considered it one of those books that can be noted in the bible but not really high up on the list. It starts out with Amos basically calling people out on their sin. He talks about how everyone is not really doing what they should especially God's people who actually know better. How true is THAT statement???

In chapter 5 it talks about forgetting and oppressing the poor for our personal gain.
"You trample on the poor and force him to give you grain. Therefore, though you have built stone mansions, you will not live in them; though you have planted lush vineyards, you will not drink their wine. For I know how many are your offenses and how great your sins. You oppress the rightgeous and take bribes and you deprive the poor of justice in the courts." Amos 5:11-12

So what kind of excuse do we use to not meet other's needs? They don't deserve it? Do we deserve the grace that God has given us? Do we deserve salvation? Or how about the fear that any money I give or time I spent will be wasted or won't make a difference? Well the money I spent on the five times I ate out in the last week sure didn't go toward a better cause. Maybe a larger waistline. The time I spent watching tv or playing Mario Brothers didn't release a burden for someone who was hurting. So anything I offer will be a difference from what I am doing now. What about "they got into poverty, they can get themselves out"? Really??? What about the times that I constantly get myself into sin? And God freely forgives me?

As more and more of the pieces come together for what God has in store I am becoming more aware of what my life should reflect. Will it be a perfect of example of who God is? I hope so. I say all this with conviction and then I find myself stumbling again. I get back up. I pray the damage I do is minimized by the reconstruction. How far should we go? I am preparing my heart for more than I think it can take. I am asking the Holy Spirit to break me down and show me a way that involves intense sacrifice on my part to meet the needs of others who are so lost. I pray for God's love and strength when I feel like I can't go on and I can't stand under the weight. I pray for opportunities to speak and be silent and to simply go where He goes, say what He says and pray what He prays. As far as it takes.

Where You Go I'll Go - Jesus Culture - This is an amazing song. Listen to it and simply make it a prayer of worship and promise.

Three In One

"All of the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." - Acts 2: 44 - 47

This was one of the awesome passages that was looked at in today's sermon. Church today was unreal. We held service at the middle school to fit three different congregations that had gathered together to acknowledge that we serve One GOD. It was so amazing. We gathered together, not as three separate churches but as one group of followers. Kevin, Jeff and Darrell delivered a combined message of God's Word. The theme was "What If?" God is definitely moving through the hearts of searching servants in this community of Spring Lake. People are being placed in certain positions for a reason. People are living in this area for a purpose. There is no random about the opportunity that God is giving us to be apart of His church. To be apart of His love for people. So with all this in mind, there are some what ifs that we should take a hard look at and try to answer.

What if we start living like God is the bigger picture instead of our own lives?
What if we start to live as the church of the past instead of meet to create more programs?
What if we gave what we had to others who are in need instead of putting away for a rainy day?
What if we start to ask what we can do for our community instead of ask why isn't there more for me to do in this community?
What if we depend on the Holy Spirit to guide us instead of looking for a way out?
What if we put others first instead of fulfilling our desires?
What if we believe the Holy Spirit is able to heal instead of accepting the pain?
What if we choose to carry our cross despite the fact that the world says different?
What if we are asked to sacrifice status, comfort, our desires and our initial thoughts all for the glory of God?
What if we are asked to be small so He can be great?

I am ready. I am scared out of my mind. I know that it will be sacrifice. I know that people will not understand me or even accept me. I know that my dreams are just comfortably serving God in a mediocre way. I know God has designed me for more than that. So my dreams must change. I take on the knowledge that the end result will be more than I can ever imagine. To get that end result I realize I may never experience or have the things of this world that I thought were normal desires of the heart. But I choose to serve an almighty powerful God who has created me to live in this world, but not of it. I pray my desires change to that of my Savior.

What if God is enough?

More, so much more.

There is a dying generation out there. Towns, communities, cities that are filled with empty hearts, active minds and searching souls.
I've yet to break the shell of my existence. I have yet to fully submerge myself in the only Water that will truly allow me to be free. I've dabbled. I've tried to bottle it up and sell it as my own. I've carried the hydration pack on for days and never bothered to take a sip or offer it to someone else in need.

There is a dying generation out there. Children who know nothing of commitment, justice, peace, joy, comfort or love. All they know, all they can wrap their minds around, is cruelty, ignorance, sex and depreciation of oneself and others.
I've yet to truly seek out my Maker. I have been blindly calling my baby steps growth. Oh I give an example here and there. I lecture on rights and wrongs. But I have yet to show the Holy Spirit evident in me.

There is a dying generation out there. Friends and family who don't speak to each other. They put on fake smiles and hide truths because they are afraid of the judgement that will be made on them. They are afraid to be different, to show flaws, to know better.
I've yet to be completely honest with myself. To look at myself and see the contradictions. To see the confusion I bring to friends and families with my actions and my words.

I don't know all of the things that God has planned for my life. Let alone the community or church I am able to be a part of at this moment. But I know that there is a dying generation out there and I have within me the Holy Spirit. And He is mighty and able to do great things. I feel an urging. I don't know what direction it will take me. I don't know what sacrifices I will have to make. But I want to be willing and ready. I want people to look at me and see that God is real. That He is evident. I want so much more than what I am using now. Because there is a dying generation out there.

It's just You and me.

I have been on an incredible David Crowder Band kick lately. My friend Chris was OBSESSED with the band a couple years back and got me hooked, but the cds were replaced by newer bands and different music and so forth. I was looking through my old cds the other day and ran across my DCB collection. Such amazing lyrics and worship. I seem to have a certain song that kind of moves my day and I just stick it on repeat.
There's been a heaviness that has been pressing on me lately. It's not exactly bad. I feel better than I have felt in quite a while. I've laughed harder than I have ever laughed since last summer. God has been phenomenal in showing how He is all I need. Not only that, but learning all over again how to just be with Him has been humbling and exciting! But there is this extreme weight. To lift burdens off of others. To pray 24/7 that the Holy Spirit will intercede with words I cannot find to alleviate the pain, illness, sorrow, depression, emptiness and much more that seems to lay heavy in the hearts of those that I love and cherish.
I turn to music. It's my outlet and my personal way that I feel closest to God. My way of praising Him, praying to Him, begging Him, surrendering to Him, laying myself before Him. Today I was driving home from a meeting and the sky was unbelievably brilliant. It was foggy clouds with breaking sun and patches of rainbow. "What a glorious day, today! How great Your love for us, how great!" - DCB
I was listening to "Only You" by DCB and I hit the repeat button for half an hour. I closed my eyes (split second!) and raised my hands in complete worship for Him.
You see we are so worried, or at least I am, about the steps that we are taking and if they are leading to the right direction. We look into the future and say today is the day that will set the course for tomorrow. And while there may be truth in that, there is something so precious we look over. TODAY!!! I am so guilty of it. I feel like I need to read extra long in my Bible because I had a negative attitude instead of simply adoring His words to me. I say that this year God is preparing me so that I can be at a different place next year. What trash! Not that He is not preparing you, but what if yesterday was preparation for today and we are so worried about getting tomorrow right that we skip it? Mind boggling I know, but nonetheless.
I was driving and listening to this song and God placed so much peace on me. I lifted up prayers for loved ones and knew that God answered them in His perfect, loving way. I want every moment to be Only You Lord. I want it to be just You and me.
"Take my fret, take my fear, all I have, I'm leaving here.
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams, be all my delights, my everything.
And I will, worship, You Lord, only You Lord.
And I will, bow down, before You, only You Lord.
And it's just You and me."
- DCB

Praise Him under open skies...

It seems that lately everyone is carrying around a heavy burden. This weight that is pressed on their hearts. Some of them don't even know it, myself included. I woke up in great spirits on Monday. I was determined to change my perspective on life, the cards I had been dealt, and the way I viewed my circumstances. I walked into a fellow teacher's room to wish her good morning and she stopped me before I could say anything. She looked at me and sighed heavy. I asked her what was wrong.
"I don't know, you tell me Gray."
She said she could see this weight in my eyes and she just wanted to take it away.

I am so grateful for that kind of friendship. I am so humbled that I have people that care about me. I feel a pressing need to find ways to lift burdens off of people. I see it there in their eyes. I hear it in their sighs. I feel it in their silence. It is so heavy. So thick with emotions and built up walls. People are slowly closing themselves off like they have a safety valve switch. It's as if the world is not enough of an answer anymore and the end of the rope was miles back. So people decide to wrap up the pressing burden that they carry. They may complain and make it known, but the depth of it that weighs heavy on their hearts is hidden. Masked behind sarcasm, a smile, lies, activities, or ignorance.
We've forgotten the power of God. We know He has power. We understand that He is mighty to save. We pray for deliverance. But we've minimized God's potential. His amazing ability to feed thousands, heal lepers and make the blind see. His promise to come back, to give us peace, to overcome a world filled with trials and sorrows (John 16:33).

"You are not just a person living your life by human power. The Spirit of God is in you; that is why Jesus said it was better for Him to go and the Spirit to come. Don't walk away from this." - Francis Chan "Forgotten God"

How long are we going to walk around as empty vessels? How long are we going to try to reach out to God when His spirit already dwells in us if we believe? How long?
God I pray that you continue to break me. Don't let me be settled in a life, in a world, that is not my home. Help me see past broken technology, mindless meetings and a fallen world. Don't let it consume me until I am so weighted that I can't lift my hands and praise You.

Praise Him under open skies, everything breathing, praising God,
In the company of all who love the King, I will dance, I will sing,
It could be heavenly, turn the music loud, lift my voice and shout,
From where I am, from where I've been, He's been there with me,
He's built a monument. So let His people, His very people, SING SING SING!!!!
- David Crowder Band

Rediscovering Scripture

Have you ever read something and you understand what you have read? Or maybe you read something and you know what it is that you have read but you take it for granted that it was even readable? I know that sounds a little silly, but I do that a lot with scripture. I will get up in the morning and "ho-hum" my way to a passage. Maybe it is a random selection just so I can say I read part of the bible today. Maybe I read Hezekiah because I like the sound of it that day over John. (I'm just KIDDING!!!)
For whatever reason, I pick up my bible and I read. God is big and so my shortcomings of choosing a passage do not get in the way of Him showing me powerful things in His Word. It is even more impressive though when "rediscover scripture"!
The times where I read a passage and it was not so random I just sit back amazed at what God has shown me. For instance, I went to Boone recently to visit some great friends and my old church. The sermon was on resolutions. The scripture was in Colossians. Now I am going to be perfectly honest. I have read Colossians about two times. I think of the phrase G.od E.ats P.op C.orn when looking it up in the New Testament. I consider it less interesting than the other three. (we do notice that I am making the reading of God's Word TOTALLY about me right now, right?) Before this sermon I couldn't tell you what it was really about.
The sermon was based out of Chapter 3. Chapter 3 basically has a list of things to stay away from and is talking about setting what you think about and how you live your life to that of God and not of worldly things. Sorry it that is a crude summary. It also talks about the things you should uphold (the fruits of the Spirit) and talks some about wives, children and husbands. Oh yes, and slaves. I was listening to the sermon and a part of that chapter really stuck a note with me.

"When Christ, who IS (emphasis mine) your life appears,
then you also will appear with Him in glory." - Colossians 3:4

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!!! I literally just read that over and over for several days. God just didn't want me to let go of that verse. I realized how true that is and the impact that God has on the life HE HAS GIVEN ME. It was like I had another piece to this crazy puzzle called life.

"I am not mine own, I've been carried by You, all my life. Everything rides on hope now. Everything rides on faith, somehow. So when the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free!" - Addison Road

God has consistently been trying to make me realize the truth and honesty of really dying to yourself. The implications. The sacrifices. The complete death that is required of my selfish desires, wants and needs. Because my life was not created to do ANYTHING but glorify a Holy and Worthy God. My life does not belong to me because CHRIST IS MY LIFE. Every paycheck, every mood swing, every greeting or grumbling, every lesson plan, every thought, every song played, EVERYTHING belongs to Him. To His glory.
Do I do this consistently? No. Do I refuse to choose Him over me? A lot. Does it stop the fact that even when adversity strikes or my selfish will takes over, that He still deserves and expects greater from me? No.
Lord forgive me when I falter. Forgive me when I fall down and I choose my weakness to serve myself. Show me daily Your ways and open up scripture to me as a guide to serve You and others in all that I do.

The second part of resolutions

So the first part of the resolution process is conviction. Are you convicted enough? Do you realize the importance of changing your behavior, plan, aspect of your life to actually resolve to change it? Either we can admit we are too selfish to change or sacrifice our comfort for a new commitment to change. I for one have been entirely way too selfish in my ways to change several aspects of my very comfortable life. Although I felt conviction and knew change was necessary, I have used countless excuses and blamed others for my lack of gumption. But after conviction, after taking steps to really solve a problem and know that it will be for the better, comes the second part that plays a vital role in making the resolution real.

Commitment. Whew. That is a scary word. People throw this word around all the time with no concept of the gravity it holds. Let's go to the definition shall we?

Commitment: the trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of a purpose

Someone has a goal in mind. A purpose. Let's look at marriage since we are all aware that the word "commitment" is heavily used in that area. A guy and girl decide they have feelings for each other and eventually assume or feel that they have fallen in love. The guy ask the girl to marry him. To commit to him. They agree together before God and other witnesses to commit to each other and a life where decisions will now be proposed, debated, collaborated, and carried out as a team. Where you are no longer working through life as an individual, but as a pair to display God's love and glory, not only through your own actions, but as a created unit. It is one of the most priviledged responsibilities. However, in America this act of commitment is all too often not taken sincerely and with a steadfast fixity of purpose. People get married for the wrong reasons; they get married based on "feeling of the moment", fear of loneliness, fear of "this is as good as it is going to get", feeling pressured, filling a void that should be filled and sustained by God. All these different reasons, and then when push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, it is over. The commitment was acknowledged, but not taken seriously. In fact there is a WEBSITE dedicated to divorce rate in America. How sad is that? I realize that truly I cannot report clearly on marriage or divorce being as I have never experienced either one. However, this is a common issue in our lives. A classic case of failed commitment.

This being said, once we realize we are truly convicted of our problematic areas and want to resolve them, we make the resolution which is in essence, a commitment to fix them. So why are we not steadfast in our fixity of this purpose?

Well I know that I personally start a lot of the things I commit with my own personal gain in mind. When I do this, it is a lot easier to break the commitment once I no longer am interested in my personal gain. Or my personal gain shifts to something else. For example, I really know and acknowledge that having personal time set aside for God every day is not only going to strengthen my relationship with Him but change my outlook on life for everyday occurances. I know this. I make the commitment with my ultimate goal not getting to know God better or glorifying Him, but so that my days will feel easier and I can feel good about myself. The commitment fails the day that everything else is going on and I feel tired and my goal of making my day feel easier now includes dropping that intimate time with God to free up time. I made the commitment, but for the wrong reasons. For selfish reasons.

So to really make the commitment I need to find the right reason for the commitment. Where my feelings or my own selfish desires won't hinder my steadfast resolution.

1Corinthians 10:31 says that whatever we do, we should do it for the glory of God. Our commitment, our resolution should be with the intent or purpose of glorifying God. Our resolve to change should be so that when people look at our actions, when they view how we live our lives, they can see an example of how to glorify God. ( Matthew 5:16)

I pray that God places a brokeness in my life that I depend on Him fully. That I make commitments to people and to myself that will depend on His strength and will glorify His name.